I literally hate life, I hate being born, I hate being in this world, I hate me, I hate myself, I hate everything about me, I hate anything around me.

There are moments where I blame myself for everything, where I blame myself for the things that's happening right now. I can't think enough that I am good, that I feel okay, that I feel alright. I just don't feel right, not at all...

I'm trying to kept busy out of anything and everything, but whatever I do, whenever I am, seems like the problem were still chasing me and don't want me to have a break. I want peace, I want anything that can give a piece of mind to me. I felt like I'm stuck at everything, stuck of being not enough, stuck of being unworthy, stuck of a garbage, I'm just stuck. Stuck of nowhere where peace are not existing at all.

There are moments where I am okay, not until someone shouted inside the house.

• I'm a type of person where I just become quiet whenever I'm at my house. I don't feel like saying a word or anything to anyone who's also in the house. I really felt okay when the house was peaceful and quiet, not until one person will start shouting and saying bad words. I don't know, but my anxiety is kinda worst this past few days. Even if it's just a accidentally shout, I feel like inside of mine were panicking. And all of sudden, I don't feel alright again.

I just wanna cry, I don't feel anything just sadness. That's how my mood words.

There moments where I am okay, not until I want to avoid everyone.

• I feel alright sometimes, no problems, no issue, no overthinking but I really want to avoid everyone. Can you guys feel me? All of sudden you will lose your mood, you will lose your energy without having a correct reason why, without having a prrfect answer why you felt like that. You feel like, everyone is not for you, even your friends, that you are not safe. But there are one exception:

  whenever I feel this way..the only person whom I love can keep me down. Whenever I don't feel safe, only her presence can me me feel safe. Her presence start being one of my comfort zone, and resting area where I love to feel anytime and I love to be with. Whenever I hear her voice, it makes me feel okay. I'm not sure when this thing starts, all I know is one day...all I want is her presence.

There are moments where I am okay, but all of sudden I put all the blames on me.

• I know I shouldn't do this, like blaming myself because of small things. But I can't avoid saying to myself that because of me, this happened or that. But I'm aware also that it's not the things that I want, I just need to be stronger despite of anything.

I'm don't have any idea like what's wrong with me, there's are just time where I really hate myself.

Being too generous.

• Because of being too much generous, I can't help but to give money always even if I need it also. I ended up saying, "It's okay, I still don't need it." Especially when my mother were asking about money.

I guess I need to control this kind of attitude of mine towards my family, I'm already spoiling them to the point where when I can't give them money I can see how upset they are already.

So I have this little rantings again, my father were asking me something earlier but I didn't hear it clearly so I ask him again. Instead of answering me, he shouted and told me that I am so deaf. Is it my fault that I didn't hear him? Or it was really my fault because sometimes, I can hear clearly and sometimes I can't. Or maybe I was too focus on what am I doing earlier that's why I didn't notice that he was talking to me.

And I told my mother that I want to standby somewhere because My mind was kinda messed up inside the house, guess she didn't understand that I've said and start saying words that I'm going to waste money again. I told her that I'm not because I was saving them and here we are again. When it comes to money, ofcourse I can't do something, they always win.

All I can hear is I'mst their child and they are my parents so I must respect them. I always have respect to them, only them who don't respect me.

And my mother keep blaming me if something's missing on her belongings, and ended up she's just misplaced it. All I can do is to understand her but deep inside of me of course it's hard.

But wait, there's more. Let's talk about self insecurities.

I have self insecurities for so long. Like, I'm a chubby person ever since I was a child. It was inborn already, a lot of people I know already told me that I don't need to feel insecure about myself just because I'm chubby. They said, even though I'm like that still I'm beautiful inside and out. I don't know if I'm gonna agree to them since I was just showing what my attitude is towards everyone. I don't know why I'm insecure also to myself. I'm not insecure that someone is pretty against me, that someone is sexy against me, that someone is almost perfect against me. But I'm insecure of how brave they look, I'm insecure to the way like how they were handling their problems despite of being in a world of unfair. I mean, if I am them, I can't and I'll never be good as them for handling my mood and handling my problems. I always ended up breaking down or else nor even knowing myself.

Author's note:

Sorry for this lil ranting, I just don't feel good.

I wanna say thankyou to the users who renew their sponsorships to me, to all users who were sponsoring me. Thank you so much!

I'm also done renewing the sponsorships that will ended up this week, I'll start renewing sponsorship nextweek for the new batch that I'm sponsoring. Godbless everyone!

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