I'm okay, I don't feel okay. I'm okay, and I don't feel okay again. That's what I feel all the time, and everytime. I'm trying to be motivated as long as I can but ended up being sad again. Sometimes, we can't really control our mood right? What I mean is right now we're okay, and later on we're not.

There are times where we can't explain ourselves, we can't explain the feelings we felt. We can't easily put them into words, like how we really are or what we really feels like. We can easily describe them, but we just don't know how to say it into words.

Last night, I can't help but to cry. My heart feels heavy but my mind is clear as skies. I'm trying to figure out the things why I don't feel okay, why I feel unmotivated, why I feel unreal. I used to be a funny person, a cheerful one and a person who used to laugh all the time, I used to be that kind of person where I easily can turn my mood up and where I can easily chance everything into good ones.

I used to be the person where I choose happiness all the time and where I choose my emotions and feelings at all cost. I used to be that kind of person. But right now, whatever it takes I can't motivate myself anymore. I want to go out and grab some fresh air but I can't since I'm not allowed to go out if I'll just going to somewhere. I can only go out if I have a school schedule with a proof on it.

Strict right?

Nah, my home is my jail.

Everyday I just want to go out and be free, do a lot of stuffs and help myself. Being with somewhere where I don't need to think of everything. My parents today were asking me if I can give them money for like 40$ or 2000php. I can't give my money to them since I am saving up for my flight on March. When I told them that I don't want to touch my money, I already knew that my mother were pissed off because I didn't give them some. She's gonna say a word but before she says a word I already told her that I'm not selfish. I just need to save up for myself, I need to think first about the money that I need to spend when I'm on Baguio already.

I'm not sure if they'll going to give back the money that they borrowed last year, it was 200$ or 10,000. It was a huge amount right?.

I told myself if They not give it back to me then I don't have a choice but to save all my money and try not to spend every minutes.

Asking myself a same question.

• I am repeatedly asking myself a same question why and how, what if and when. Ofcourse, having a messy mind is a worst experience ever that everyone has. I mean, no matter how positive, and cheerful you are there are time that you will breakdown and you will having a hard time trying to understand each question.

Just like, Why the world have money, if we can access things freely?

I have this question why money is important and how it was made, why money is everything and why money is the reason that there are poor and rich. If you'll ask me a question, I would like to make money disappear. Why? We live freely in this world and for me without money there will be no riot, there will be no rankings, there will be no poor, there will be no unfairness.

Money is keeping this world spinning, but at the same time keeping everyone away from each other.

What Do I Mean About Keeping Everyone Away From Each Other?

We all know that money is the root of all devil. Did you ever try to put your shoe to the people who don't have money and hunger eats them? Where they have no other choice of to be a thief so that they can eat something? Where there's a crime that was made by the higher ups to the poor person but no one takes action because they are poor and they have no money?

Did you ever put your shoe to the kids where the only thing they do is to look at someone's toys, new bags, things, foods but even a small piece of food they still need to beg just to have it? Did you ever see someone who's having a double job to that they can sustain their family needs?

Did you ever put your shoe to the people who needs to undergo operation to save their lifes but ended up at the morgue because they don't have money? Did you ever put your shoe seeing their love ones cry because they loss someone who supposed to be part of their family?

Did we ALL put our shoe into someones life?

The answer is, no.

Most of us were no. Even me, I'll not deny the fact that when I was still a kid I was so judgemental. I hate poor people, I hate the people who you can into roadside, I hate the people who asked money. I always throwing them away. Yes, I was a bad kid but I managed to change.

When I Grew Up,

I understand the things more clearly when I reach the age of 7, in that age, I already saw my parents sacrifices so have a food to eat. My family were happy before even though we don't have enough money to spend.

I still remember when we always asking the store to give up some food and we'll pay it back if my dad get his pension. There are times where we already borrowed 2k (40$) to 3k (60$) to have a food to eat from that store. Sometimes, they don't let us buy to them because we always have no money.

At the young age, I saw how my father get tired to ask someone to give him money to buy foods.

We have a lot of money before, not until I caught the sickness called Pneumonia and put myself into the 50/50 situation where I need to choose between life and death. Everything was still clear to me, I used to live in the hospital when I was in G1 and my teacher just sending me some homeworks so that I can cope up.

I still remember when I stayed inside the hospital for like 1month and the bill reached 250kphp or 4800+ $ (I'm not sure about the amount in the usd base, please correct me if I'm wrong.) My father and mother were fighting inside my room because we don't have enough money and I need to discharge before the bill got bigger and bigger. I have no Phil heath during that time so we have no choice.

My mother shout to my father said, "You can't let your daughter die", and it's where they both cried to each other. I still don't understand the situation but I remember it clearly.

(A/n: lol, everything's changed right now. They're not like that, they become the monster itself where they used to say things that are not supposed to be. But still I love them.)

After that, I'm scared to face the situation where I need to choose between life of death, and because of that, I learned how to be good to others and appreciate them even though they're like that.

Author's note

Unexpeted situation right? Sometimes when we feel how hard the life is changes is coming. And I am one of them.

Howdyyy! How's everyone? kinda good and not. Maybe it depends on how this day was tiring.

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