Good day everyone!

So it's been month or months since I stopped using this account. I'm not active at noise.cash either. So what's the news? Nothing new.

Let me share you guys what I'm going through this past few months, days and the reason why I'm become inactive.

I'm emotionally depressed.

• Some of you saw my post on noise.cadh about my mother who told me that she regret giving birth to me. I'm not fighting back against them because I have this huge respect but it drives me to hell. There are some things and a lot of things that words can't explain. I breakdown for almost 3 weeks, I even threat myself last dec 19, 2021. It's not something that I can put unto hold. I'm trying, yes, I was.

• I know some of you will say, put my faith in God and tell him everything that I'm going through. I always do that, I trust him so much and I believe him. But, it's not the faith that has problem here. But my emotions, my brain and also my health.

My Cousin Died Because Of Suicide.

• Some of you know KyeoptaAreum. Or AreumKyeopta, sorry I forgot her exact username here. She has a twin sister and it's also dead because of suicide years ago. And last dec 8, her oldest sister took her own life.

So allow me tell a story.

• Last Dec 8, 2021 around 8pm I received a chat from her saying, "I have a favor, can you please not chat me again?". At first I was so shock, but wait..see the picture below first.

Her: I have a favor. Can you please stop chatting me? And also stop updating me what's happening there. Can you?

Me: Why you telling me that? Did I do Something wrong? Did I?

Her: you don't do anything, I'm just saying.

Me: Then why are you like that? What did I do wrong??

Her: Just don't chat me, and don't ever talk to me. If auntie ask you if we're talking to each other told her that we don't, I also knew that she go there ealier.

Me: I don't understand you guys, you told me that you're always there, that you guys will not be gone. You told me that you'll stay and this and there but this is what I'll read after wards, looks like we're not cousin. I don't know you have that attitude.

Me: I don't know what did I do wrong, I don't know if I do against things that's why you told me that. The one you're talking to is not a robot, we don't arguebto something then this is what I've read from you, just please not today. Give me break...give me rest in this kind of thing.

Her: there's no problem with you gy. You also didn't do anything. I know this is a riddle for you why did I say that. But there's no joke about what I've said. I also didn't say that we weren't cousins because we're always together before. What I'm telling you is stop chatting me and don't talk to me. If you'll ask me the reason I want to say that long ago but I don't know where to start.

Me: I can't do anything if you don't want to talk to me, if you will avoid me and you will get your pride up. I don't have any idea why, also I don't have any idea in on your reasons why you telling me that. But, before you spill a words I hope you think first that I'm not a robot, yeah you have opening a favor but I didn't expecting this. I didn't expect to read something like this from you.

Hee: Don't worry, I already told princess. I'm looking forward to your journey, take care of you'll go already.

*End of a conversation story*

After that, we didn't talked to each other. Actually I'm angry because of what she said, like she's not like that. She's a friendly person and a jolly one. She looks like a big sister to me and she's the one who's giving me advice whenever I'm down or drowned.

Days after: last Dec 12, 2021

This is around 4am, I suddenly Woked up because of my dream. In my dream, there's a room and the door was not lock. When I opened it I saw a bed and a chair beside of it, and I saw a feet far away from the chair. I want to look up so that I can see if who's that person..but I can't, it looks like there is something who's stopping me from looking above. Beside the bed there's a small dora box and a phone with it..I saw a picture cover of Areum and that's where I got the idea if who it was.

When I woke up, all of the creepiness I felt goes to my head. It's cold also, that's the first time that I felt cold..not the normal cold that you can feel through the atmosphere but the coldness that you can feel away from the weather.

I told kyeopta and also I told my bf about my dream, she gave told me that I should tell them so that they're aware.

I know some of you read my old article where I dream one of my friend being killed by someone, I have this premonitions where I always dream of the people who were close to me if something will happen bad to them.

Days after, I received a chat from kyeopta. She told me that her oldest sister commit suicide the same day at Dec 8, 2021.

Actually, it's become a hottest topic on my family. Instead of feeling pity about what my cousin did, they told me that, "That's the problem of the teenagers now, they commit suicide without thinking twice".

I don't know if I will going to blame myself, I'm blaming myself for almost weeks now.

I didn't know that she has a problem, she's always smiling and she's do a lot of things to people to make them happy, so why?

What's the real reason why?

She's the person who's giving me advice to avoir hurting myself, but she lost her own battle weeks ago.

It's really better to asked someone if they're okay. It's really better to ask them if how are they, because we might don't know...they have a lot of problems than us but they can't open up.

Because of what happened, my cousin Kyeopta adjusted my flight. Instead of june she make it March, said said that she can't wait any longer since she's afraid I might take my life too.

I'm planning to commit suicide, days ago.

• So my mother and I argued, she told me that she wished me dead so that they can avoid spending more money into family, she also told me if I didn't get operated maybe the money was still there. That's where she hurt me the most.

I'm holding a knife, placing it into my heart. Thinking and holding breath, while the tears run slowly down my eyes. I'm hurt, I'm in pain. My body were shouting, my heart were racing. My soul were shouting quietly, "Help me", as it says.

I suddenly throw a knife away, and let my tears flow. A lot of questions were on my mind, asking my worth, asking why I need to feel this pain, why this feeling just can't go away.

I want to shout, asking, "You're my mother, this is my home. This is supposed to be my resting area, and not my hell ground".

After hearing those words from my own parents, I suddenly lost my motivation, lost my interest in everything. If I lost into this battle of mine, always remember that I do my best before giving up.

-OfficialGamboaLikeUs.