Midlife crisis

What a midlife crisis and how to survive it?

Overestimation of life values, longing for missed opportunities, reflection in the mirror, which causes sad thoughts about the inexorably elusive youth, and extravagant actions in attempts to grab this very youth by the tail - these are just some of the signs of the so-called. the crisis of middle age, which each of us must go through. How to understand that the crisis has already arrived? Is it worth resisting or is it smarter to go along? How to get out of a depressed state as a winner and find a new meaning in life?

Midlife crisis is a collective concept. We are talking about an emotional state associated with a reassessment of life experience in the age range from 30 to 50-60 years, when most of the opportunities that a person dreamed of in childhood and adolescence are missed (or, conversely, realized) and an urgent desire arises for something urgent change in your life. Sometimes, instead of a longing for change, depression and apathy come.

The crisis of middle age is multidimensional and affects various spheres of life: personal relationships, life opportunities, professional realization, material wealth. It is also a period of experiencing physical changes: strength falls, health begins to fail, the feeling that death is not far off and life is about to set. In other words, it is impossible to reduce the crisis of middle age to separate spheres: only work, only family, only sexual relations, only feelings about old age and death - it's all at once.

What are the boundaries of the midlife crisis?

When talking about a midlife crisis, as a rule, several age lines are distinguished.

The first of them falls on 30 years. However, one must understand that this is an artificial selection, since the physical, intellectual and mental development is different for everyone.

Nevertheless, a man after 30 years really often begins to worry about the following:

• what standard of living and material wealth has he achieved

• whether it was realized professionally

• is he married and has a family

• whether the goals set in youth have been achieved

• are there any further prospects and opportunities to improve the quality of life and develop in the future

If it turns out that something from this list is missing, he begins to think about it, worry and assess whether he can make up for it in the near future.

From such a process of internal inventory, a man begins to feel weary.

At the same time, there are usually no worries about age in men at the age of 30, as well as problems with potency. The fear that he is old and unnecessary is also absent. The process of revaluation mainly affects the level of ambition: "I have this" or "I don't have this, and it worries me."

Strictly speaking, this crisis is not too serious, because the prospects (and very good ones) still exist: at the age of 30 it is quite possible to develop further, change your place of residence, find a future spouse, if there is such a need, etc...

The next frontier - closer to the age of 37-40 - already begins to resemble a crisis to a greater extent, because at this moment many things begin to leave a man. In particular, there are changes in health, appearance and physical characteristics.

The key problematic moment of this period can be called problems with potency - even death is not as terrible for men as its loss, because, in fact, it is a loss of male identity. For a man, this is a disaster, because he begins to feel not fully complete. As a result, it can change attitudes towards women and life in general. It's like a filter or a prism through which a man looks at the world. It is at this moment that he begins to destroy the usual foundations of his life. So, often after living together in marriage with one woman for 15-20 years, the husband has a mistress and family relations begin to burst at the seams.

The most striking male crisis occurs in the period 37-42 years. This is the transition from the state of the alpha male, who can do everything, to the feeling that physically he is no longer as strong as before. After jogging in the morning, he suddenly feels very tired. He begins to catch himself on some minuses and realizes that he is different now. Or he sees that he is starting to turn gray or lose hair. Or notices wrinkles. The man is painfully going through the transition from his powerful resource state to the phase of withering.

What actually lies at the root of the midlife crisis?

Let's digress from specific things and look at events more broadly. We are all born and, being small and completely defenseless, are completely dependent on the environment, which in one way or another tells us what to do, how to live, what to orient ourselves on.

We grow and develop, and we have no fears that "life is going downhill and soon we will die." We are full of hopes and confidence that much will still be achieved, experienced and felt. Then comes youth - we ardently strive to realize something, to realize our ambitions, to move somewhere: that is, in fact, we begin an independent life, in the process of which we check our plans, goals, achieve something, something then - no. In the wake of such rapid changes, there is no time to think “what have you actually achieved?”, Because....all the best is yet to come.

But at some point, these notorious thirty come, then forty, and then some of the goals, alas, may not be achieved.

And here all social norms and social rules that we have fulfilled or have not fulfilled are subjected to rigorous analysis and comparison. Along with two columns: “reached” and “did not reach” - a third appears: “I will never reach”. The older we get, the fewer the prospects. This is why a midlife crisis inevitably begins to manifest itself.

Is it possible to identify specific symptoms of a midlife crisis?

Often in books and on the Internet, you can really find a listing of signs of the onset of a midlife crisis. Among them, the following most often appear:

• anxiety

• irritability

• mood swings

• conflicts

• feeling that life is leaving, and you do not have time to do something important

• feeling of loneliness

• loss of vitality

• pessimistic outlook on the future

• feeling of hopelessness and others...

However, if you look at these symptoms in an abstract way and do not comprehend them in the framework of a specific problem, they will not say anything. You can worry about anything, conflicts with the environment are not excluded at any age, we can get irritated with or without.

If we take a midlife crisis, this is not only about a complex of external manifestations (for example, depression and increased anxiety). It is much deeper and is ALWAYS accompanied by:

1) thoughts about the meaning of life and how this life is lived;

2) the feeling that what we have now will remain unchanged - and this categorically does not suit us.

A person is suddenly overwhelmed by the feeling of a complete lack of prospects, which is aggravated by the extinction of physical capabilities.

If we take examples from the cinema, this state is perfectly conveyed by the hero of the film Groundhog Day, every day of which the previous one repeated. The midlife crisis is no less vividly conveyed in the cartoon "The Simpsons": Season 25, Episode 4.

However, against this background, men, as a rule, try to change something in their life: live better or live a brighter emotional life. This is where the search for new sexual partners begins, side affairs, hunting trips, parachute jumps, attempts to change their place of residence and move somewhere, start life from scratch with another family - any attempts to satiate your life and jump out from this emotional pit. So a person tries hard to compensate for what he once did not receive.

Everyone face the fear of death during a midlife crisis?

During a midlife crisis, a person is gripped by the fear of death. It is the revitalization of childhood fear. As children, we are aware of our mortality and experience that we will die, at a very early age - usually before the age of 7. Then we forget about it. But when we notice that the body is aging, this fear begins to revive.

The fear of death at the stage of a midlife crisis is, in one way or another, related to how satisfied we are with life now and how rich it is. These are interrelated things. A person who lives a bright life from which he receives moral satisfaction, as a rule, does not think about death. If a person is overcome by such gloomy thoughts, then either he is seriously ill, or his life does not suit him at all.

Should we fight a midlife crisis?

There is no general correction for everyone, there are no general recipes. Sometimes they say: the child is of a transitional age, he is so intolerable. But what is adolescence? This is a state when a child is no longer a child, but not yet an adult. He begins to intensively produce hormones, his behavior changes, his temper, hesitancy appears, he does not always understand himself. After some time, he goes into a state of physically more mature, and after 20 he is already obliged to behave like an adult, because society begins to demand this.

A midlife crisis is also a condition. And the problems associated with this state, each solves in his own way. Someone can solve them on their own. And someone - to go deep into painful thoughts, and then he will need help. There is nothing wrong with that, because everyone goes through this crisis! There is no person who would not pass this crisis: only for someone it is easier, for someone it is more difficult, for someone it is very difficult. What is the reason for this? First of all, with the environment and with the achievements of each individual person. If he more or less approached all his dreams and expectations that he had at a young age, in other words, he realized himself - it does not matter in the family, children, business with which he makes a living, or in something else - everything will be the flow is much easier.

Do family problems always signal a midlife crisis?

As you know, where it is thin, there it breaks. If, for example, the family has already fulfilled its role - the children have grown up, the spouses are more like friends - the emotional relationship between them can weaken, which can lead to the emergence of a desire to start a relationship on the side.

Does this apply to a midlife crisis? The issue is controversial. It happens that people meet, get married, implement everything they have planned within the family, and then there is a feeling that something is missing. And an attempt may be made to create another family. However, if we don't know for certain how people met and why they got married, it's not at all wise to tie their breakup to a midlife crisis. It so happens that relationships between people are such that divorce is the logical conclusion of their relationship.

How do most of us go through a midlife crisis?

Everybody goes through a midlife crisis with different impressions. You can make a list of two columns: on the right “what I want” and on the left “what I got”. Compare these columns. If the lists on the right and left are about the same, then the midlife crisis will be felt very weakly.

When a person has many embodied things behind his back, then the feeling of accomplishment, the feeling of one's own fullness will very well warm and support him, as a result of which he will be able to continue making plans and setting goals taking into account his current physical and life capabilities.

It is much more pleasant to plan something when you have a lot of accomplished things behind you. And it is harder to plan when much of what was previously planned has not been realized: in this case it is difficult to understand what you are capable of, and chaos arises in your soul.

But as we said, a midlife crisis IS NOT A PATHOLOGY. This is a state of mind, an emotional experience associated with the age at which a person is, what he can afford further, what he wants to fix, what to get, what to catch up. In other words, it is an assessment of the segment of life lived and making plans for the future.

And now this crisis is coming. What happens then? A person is acutely experiencing the loss of some opportunities. He is frightened of the prospects that he sees around him or that he drew for himself. But at some point, these experiences begin to fade away. There is an understanding that there is nothing to be done about it. You should live on. When a person looks around, talks about this with someone else, he realizes that he is not the only one who has encountered this. And as a result, it gradually calms down. You have to upset yourself very much with some gloomy prospect in order to worry for a very long time. This condition usually ends on its own or loses its severity over time.

There are two most common scenarios:

• people tried to fix or change something, something worked out, but something did not, then life goes on, and over time their midlife crisis loses its acuteness

• people at a higher level of meaning try to understand themselves, find ways and means of living the rest of their lives more vividly and, as a rule, find another scenario and learn to enjoy the future life. Faced with a crisis, they emerge stronger and more constructive and find new meaning

How to simplify your life in a midlife crisis?

It all depends on the needs of the person. If it is very difficult emotionally and you want to get out of this state as soon as possible, then they seek the help of a psychotherapist in order to understand themselves, find the causes of anxiety and find the optimal solution. Such people, as a rule, achieve good results with professional support and go through this period with much less turmoil.

If we talk about the work of psychologists or psychotherapists to help a person, we always go from specific symptoms. In which area are they the most? If they are concentrated in the sphere of personal relationships, then we begin to help the person to establish them and fix something in them. If this is related to professional skills, it becomes necessary to soberly assess the skills and resources of a person and to develop or change something in this area. If experiences are associated with age (appearance, changes in potency and sexual habits), we work on this aspect.

The main thing to remember: a midlife crisis is not fatal, it is not a pathology, everyone faces it, and you can come out of it as a winner with a lot of advantages for yourself. Because each age has its own undeniable advantages.