I'm so tired, I cried
09.16.22
There were days that you thought that everything will be fine, everything will work out, everything will just pass by and I will be okay. There's gonna be one point or day that you'll realize that you've burned yourself out.
I am tired
I just noticed that I am posting articles on being a mother, or a parent, and realized that I may be having a hard time being one. This may come like a rant post but I just want to say that I was about to break down again today.
For a few days, I've been feeling restless and wanting to go out for a change of scenery. Our current setup is making me more tired than ever. I know that I have ranted before when we were still at my parent's house but I knew that this would be one of the challenges that I will have once we moved out.
Here are a few things that made me so tired lately:
Breastfeeding - I have been breastfeeding for almost 16 months now and the Lil B sucks out all of my energy when she does. I get to be more hungry and more sleepy. I am proud to breastfeed my child since she was born but it wasn't easy. I am just glad that I still have milk so she can be more healthy.
Financial Crisis - Since my MIL got hospitalized a month ago, we've been having money issues. Oh boy, I feel like will share it soon here too. Anyway, we've been saving money and basically, we are living from paycheck to paycheck to get by. We have emergency money that we can pull out for emergency reasons before all of these happened but now, we don't have anything aside from my husband's bi-monthly salary.
Chores - These are expected but lately, I changed my routine because of our financial situation. Another chore that I added to my routine was washing our clothes. Plus, I recently used Lil B's disposable diapers because we were running out of disposable diapers. I can say that cloth diapers were a big save but I need to wash them thoroughly. Did I mention that I am handwashing our clothes and Lil B's cloth diapers? Damn, yes I am handwashing them as we don't have a washing machine yet. I've been doing the laundry for days now and I can only wash them if Lil B is asleep.
Lack of sleep - I haven't been getting enough sleep since we moved to Tacloban. When we moved here, all I can think about is our expenses and how would we get by and how can I help my husband financially. I am glad that he really appreciates what I do in taking care of Lil B and our little home. Being a full-time mom is already a big help, but I still want to help financially. That's why I stay up late to publish articles here and try other platforms as well.
Headaches - It's been a while since I had headaches like my head is gonna crack. It's a stomping pain in my head and I want to hit my head on a wall thinking it would stop. I've been having headaches for days now. I am not sure if it was just because of my eyes or eyeglasses.
I cried...
Yesterday, I asked my husband if we can buy groceries. I am not sure if he wants to do the groceries because it was becoming late as Lil B and I slept in the afternoon. It was around 5 pm when we left and we already caught the rush hour.
The other day, we were discussing something related to his office and why we are keeping it a secret that we are already renting a place here. We are going low-key and avoiding places where his co-workers may see us.
It has been days since Lil B and I went out. I am not sure if it was my fault for not waking up early enough so we can take a quick morning or afternoon walk, or is it my fault that Lil B tries to resist her sleep and ended up sleeping late at night? Is it my fault that sometimes I don't have the energy to play with her? Is it my fault that I sometimes think I am becoming the mother I don't want to be?
I think I need help. I cried when we were on our way to the grocery store. I cried after I raised my voice on Lil B because she was being too playful. I cried because she was acting out, crying every time she wants attention or when she needs something. I cried because I don't know how to teach her how to talk. I cried because I feel too tired and I want to get out of the house to relax. I cried because I felt my husband's frustration in our situation too. I just cried...
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Yes, it sounds to me you do need help!
Stop breastfeeding you did it long enough or reduce it to once a day. She can start eating, make your own babyfood no need to buy.
Schedule your life. There's a time to play, and a time to sleep. Little B can sleep in the morning, in the afternoon and through the night.
You should drink more and go outside every day! Go for a walk with or without little B. You need fresh air, catch vitamine D, meet and greet people or sit on a bench or wall for a while. Fight that headache. Before and after you breastfeed and visited the bathroom you drink a glass of water.
Those diapers: soak them in water... next into the next basin... make it yourself easier! If possible diapers off.
If it comes to tasks share them. You can make a grocery list. If you go to the shop go alone and let dad take care of his child. It is good to be alone so you can breathe in and out and see something different without the care, being alert.
If possible ask someone else to babysit once or twice a week so you have time for you (go out you will sleep better).
Ventilate your house daily for at least 2-3 hours and if possible sit in the sun even if it's behind a window.