Setting Healthy Boundaries In Relationships...

"Boundaries are basically about providing structure, and structure is essential in building anything that thrives".

-Henry Cloud.

In reality, all healthy relationships have boundaries! A relationship can’t be healthy until people communicate their boundaries clearly either verbally or non-verbally, and the other person respects them.

Healthy boundaries in a relationship don’t come naturally, nor do they come easily. Establishing healthy boundaries in a relationship allows you to feel comfortable and develop positive self-esteem. A relationship without boundaries equals one with a low self esteem.

In order to establish boundaries, you need to clearly communicate who you are, what you want, your beliefs and values, and your limits.

So if a person is always borrowing money from you but never paying you back, then you may need to tell them that you are not letting them borrow anything else until you get paid back what you’ve already given.

If it’s a friend who is always texting or calling you late at night when you’re trying to sleep, then maybe you want to tell them that you can’t talk now cause you need to sleep — or you can stop answering all together.

If someone keeps making critical comments towards you, then you can tell them that you don’t appreciate being spoken to that way and that you will not accept it.

If it’s a friend who seems to always have problems for you to listen to and it’s draining your energy, then it’s probably time to be sure you say something like, “Hey, I know you’re in pain, but I have some of my own stuff to do right now.”

Setting Boundaries

So now looking at your feelings, stop and recognize how your boundary has been crossed. Is this person always asking to borrow money from you but they never pay you back..? Do you find yourself always answering your friend’s text or phone calls late at night and it’s causing you to lose sleep..?

Is this person always making critical comments towards you..? Does this person always seem to have problems that you always have to help them with..? Do you have a colleague who always shows up late for your appointments..?

Also, remember that your emotions are valid. For that reason, you are not wrong for setting your boundary. In fact, you are taking care of yourself, which is something that we should all do above all else.

Step 1: Make Your Boundaries Known.

Voice it! Make your boundary known — communicate it to the other person. Keep in mind that if there is any backlash from the other person or if they want to argue, then it may be best to simply just walk away and focus on taking care of yourself.

The reality is that if there is a backlash then the other person isn’t respecting your boundary. If we acknowledge their disrespect by arguing with them, then we are giving them what they want, and that is a weakness of our boundary.

By acknowledging and focusing on their backlash we are then subconsciously telling them that we are not grounded within ourselves and confident in what we want.

Step 2: Communicate with Respect

Healthy relationships include respect from both sides. The best way to communicate your boundaries with people is with compassion, understanding and respect for each other’s expectations. Having respect each time you communicate will ultimately make your relationship healthier and stronger.

Step 3: Get grounded

Take care of yourself. If setting the boundary brought up any backlash or feelings of guilt, then be sure to take care of yourself. Go for a walk, exercise, be out in nature, etc. Do something to help yourself get re-centered and don’t spend too much (or any) energy focusing on what happened.

So even if someone else wants to talk about the “drama” of what happened, then just don’t even go there. Tell them you don’t want to talk about it, because when we do that we keep the stress and fear-based thinking alive.

Step 4: Be Justified With Your Thoughts

Also, remember that your emotions are valid. For that reason, you are not wrong for setting your boundary. In fact, you are taking care of yourself, which is something that we should all do above all else.

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