@McJulez 27 December 2021 more from that month

I don't deserve the pain As I glance through my window, I see leaves falling down. The wind is not too strong nor too soft, but enough to make the surroundings a bit comfortable. I am not in the mood to go out today and meet people. I just feel sleepy and wanna spend my whole time today laying down in my bed. I'm feeling cold even when it's hot. I want to talk but I don't have someone to stay beside me.

There's this feeling inside me that I cannot explain. I am smiling, but deep inside I feel sad. There's something in mind that makes my heart in pain. I honestly don't deserve this kind of pain. All my life, I have always been doing what's good for me. But never did I thought that by being like this would somehow cause some things I would have experienced if I just let myself to do them. I am not mad, nor angry. But I feel pain, even when I don't deserve it. I fell in love with someone I couldn't have. Someone whom I really love so much, but also someone who might not feel the same way. And that's how I feel pain in my heart. I'm too stupid in love. I did not take the chance to confess when I have it. But now I am regretting 'cause it seems like the person I love who has found someone already will end up being forever. Yes, it is so painful knowing that I am not the one in that position. It's painful that I have to conceal what I really feel when I am in front of the person I love. It's painful when I see her smile while I was faking mine just to hide what I truly feel and prevent breaking down in front of her. But still, I don't deserve this kind of pain. At first, I thought that ignoring her messages would somehow ease the pain and help me forget my feelings for her. But it only worsen the feeling I have inside of me. I wanna cry out loud but I can't in front of her. Out of the blue, I suddenly feel the need to call her. But when I look for her number in my contacts, my thumb seemed to have been stuck. I can't click the call button. My heart beats faster and I have a hard time deciding 'cause my mind is being confused. I was shocked when I saw her calling me. I cleared my throat before answering. She said hi and I said hello. She just asked about how I was doing. If I am just fine because she said she has not been receiving any message from me lately. It's already my chance but my tongue seemed to fold backwards. I just answered with a short reply, "I am fine." As I expected, I am really a fool when it comes to love. Maybe, just maybe, I will still have the chance. I am not hoping for something to happen with her current relationship status but maybe, if destiny will give another chance to me, I hope that the stars will align and help me confess my feelings. But if we are not really destined to each other, I hope someday that I could still say it to her that I once loved her and she will always have a special part in my heart. It is sad and definitely painful. But I wish someday, I will also find someone who will love me the same way as I love. **You can also catch up with my latest articles:** **One Upon a Day with Friends** https://read.cash/@McJulez/one-upon-a-day-with-friends-9cc3f6ae **Joy to the World!** https://read.cash/@McJulez/joy-to-the-world-a23a2f03 **Christmas is almost near!** https://read.cash/@McJulez/christmas-is-almost-near-24b438f2 **Two latest movies I've watched** https://read.cash/@McJulez/two-latest-movies-ive-watched-648d6e7e **A Happy Hobby: Beading** https://read.cash/@McJulez/a-happy-hobby-beading-7a074328 **One more week before Christmas** https://read.cash/@McJulez/one-more-week-before-christmas-4e15d930 **International Business and Trade** https://read.cash/@McJulez/international-business-and-trade-7806cb0f ****Small e-loading business is doing goo******d** https://read.cash/@McJulez/small-e-loading-business-is-doing-good-0b3d0799 **You will also find me on:** noise.cash account: ****McJulez**** https://noise.cash/u/McJulez Telegram account: ****McJulez**** https://t.me/McJulez