Why breastfeeding?

I gained weight when I was still pregnant and it doubled after I gave birth. I never thought that I can gain weight after my pregnancy for I thought that my body and how much I weigh before would come back. I even promised to myself that I will do an exercise after I gave birth so I won't have that round and watery body. Haha! But then they were right that I can't go back to what and how I look before especially that I am breastfeeding. Actually, breastfeeding was not part of my plan because I don't want to get stuck at home. I love my baby but I thought that being a full-time mom doesn't suit me that I prefer to be a working mom.

But fate is really playful. What I didn't wanted came before me. My daughter was underweight at birth so I tried everything to have enough milk supply for nothing compares to breast milk. Breastmilk is powerful and no other formula milk can make even. Don't get me wrong, I am not against formula. It's just that they can't have what breastmilk has the reason why doctors advise that breast milk is truly the best for babies.

My baby, being underweight, made me sad that I kept on blaming myself because I was the one who carried her and she was like that because of me. My plan of giving her formula milk has changed because I want to give what's the best for her. I want to make it up to her. We were also prohibited to bring formula milk in the hospital to encourage moms to breastfeed.

At first, my milk won't come out and I can't see a drop even if I squeezed my breast. I asked my partner to buy breast pump with high hopes that it can help. Fortunately, the breast pump helped a lot because after few minutes of pumping, the milk was coming out but it's volume was not that satisfying. In short, it can't make the baby satisfied. It didn't even reached one fl. oz.

I was disappointed because I saw myself as a useless mom. I should have milk because my baby needs it. There's no one who can give her breast milk other than me. I kept on pumping while I was crying for I saw my baby lying with a black blindfold and black cloth above her diapers and she was under that blue and yellow lights. She had an infection in her 2nd day and got seizures and one side effect of her infection is feeding refusal. Oh dear, I don't want to remember those memories because I can feel again how my baby suffered and fought for her life.

I kept on pumping every 3 hours because the nurses asked milk from so they can feed my daughter using that tube inserted in her mouth. Thank God my milk supply increased that I can fill the 4 fl. oz. feeding bottle. But even though my pumping went successful, I was still worried, broken and unhappy because my baby is fed through that tube instead of directly latching on me.

After four days, a miracle happened. I saw my baby moving her mouth and she keeps on opening it like she's thirsty. I called the doctor and she inserted one of her finger in my daughter's mouth to test if she can latch. The doctor gave me a wide smile and told me to try breastfeeding her.

I thank God during that time for my daughter was able to latch again. I cried even though the nurses and doctors were around. Mixed emotions were all over me but the pain in my heart didn't stopped because I know my daughter is having a hard time latching on me while the tube was still in her mouth. She had a hard time but she still she made it.

My daughter's health is my top priority since then and to give her formula milk doesn't ever crossed my mind especially during the first month. I admit I am sometimes envy to those moms who used formula milk because they are now at work and can eat whatever they want. I really miss working but I will miss my baby big time if I leave her.

Next month, Teacher's Ranking will start and I am stuck between giving up my application or to just practice my baby latching on a feeding bottle and give her formula milk so I can go. I want to go back to work but I can feel the guilt leaving my baby.

I'm so lost at this moment.

Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help.

Ciao! ❤️