It's been days again that I haven't visited the platform. Actually, I have time to write only if I want to despite all of the mommy duties. I can write whenever my baby is asleep but, I chose not to. I was carried away with TikTok videos about babies and I was like crazy because I can't hold my tears whenever I see videos about baby and kids. I was never like this before. In fact, I don't like babies that I thought of not having one. But tadaaa! God blessed me with one cute little angel. Though I was not really prepared for this, I accepted my fate along with the challenges.
But hey, I noticed some of my attitudes and characters have changed from being calm and unbothered to cry-baby and praning (idk what's the term to use in English for praning lol). These days, I usually cry whenever I see touching videos especially about pregnancy and babies. Believe it or not, I also cry sometimes while I am watching my baby. Maybe because the trauma is still there. I can still remember the difficulties my baby went through after I gave birth to her. I even questioned God why He let my baby suffer and fight for her life while other newborn babies are healthy. The memories are still here with me, living in my brain and heart and I think that's the reason why I am afraid to make a mistake in taking care of my baby.
Yesterday, I chatted @Zhyne06 again because I have these worries and I need answers from an experienced mom. I asked her about the tips how to make a baby burp since I really don't know how. I tried and tried but then I was worried again I might hurt my baby. She was small compared to the other babies who are born with the normal newborn weight making it hard for me to carry her, make her burp and even change her diapers and clothes. There was this instance when we were still in the hospital, I cried again seeing other babies who are born with a weight of more than 2.5 kg. I questioned myself what did I do. Why is my baby having low birth weight? Was it because I was stress during the pregnancy or was it because I have an anemia? Or was it because I haven't took the vitamins my OB-GYNE has told me to take? I really regret following the advices I got from here. They said, I shouldn't take those vitamins prescribed by the OB since it will make the baby big and it's a benefit fot them if I will have a C-section since the pay will be big. For Pete's sake I really don't want to follow them because I know deep within me that my baby needs those vitamins. But, the fear of being called disrespectful and disobedient took over me. I was afraid my boyfriend's family would brand me with those adjectives so I didn't bought those vitamins and just rely on the food I eat.
For this reason, I hated myself. I blame myself for everything. It's my fault why baby needs to have those antibiotics and feel the pain of those needles even when she's only 2 days old. Some of us adults, are even afraid of needles so how much more a baby? Oh God. I wish I can erase those memories because if not, I will forever blame myself.
This is also the reason why I wanted someone to take care of my baby because I am too afraid to make a mistake and because my anxiety is always acting up. You know sometimes, I don't want to get close to my baby. I prefer someone who's good in taking care of a baby to take care of my baby too. And when it's time for feeding, I will just be there to breastfeed her. I don't know I think I am getting crazy for thinking this way.
I even panicked yesterday when I saw some milk coming out of my baby's mouth. What does that mean? 😔
I don't know but the feeling of worry and fear are living within me. It feels like they overpower me everytime. I know I should not complain since I need to learn everything. And knowing that other first time moms made it so why can't I?
Oh dear, I guess these are what they called baby blues or pospartum depression perhaps.
What are your thoughts?
Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help.
Will keep in touch. Ciao! ❤️
It's pointless to blame anyone or yourself sis. Bawi ka nlng ngayon, maganda ginagawa mo of asking more experienced moms about this and that. Hoprefully, baby will grow healthy, of course always pray for God's intervention.