"What if" "Then"

I am not sure if some moms or first-time moms ask this question too. Actually, I am a little bit guilty of asking this to myself because I know my boyfriend would feel upset if he read this. I also don't want to open up this to him yet so I am keeping this to myself but I only ended up crying with a pain in my chest. Is it regret I am feeling? Or am I the one who's not contented? Or maybe I just miss my life before that I keep on comparing the life I have to today. I am not saying I am not happy. I just feel like I miss a part of me that will never come back and I am not sure what it is either. Is it also bad if I keep on thinking that what if I chose the other one who's more matured, who has the same vision as mine, who's ready to have a family and who has a family-ready pocket? Then I would just live freely, relaxed and calm because I don't have anything to think of rather than taking care of my daughter. This is the biggest 'what if' in my life that I feel like I should have tried so I won't have regrets later on.

I know you think I am ungrateful to my partner and you can laugh at me and judge me. I am very much open to that so I will be awake with these nightmare-like thoughts. Whatever you say, I will still share what it's killing me inside so it won't weigh that much.

Have you also felt like you don't deserve the life you have today? The feeling like you could have had the perfect life but you haven't just because of the wrong choices? And what's worse is that you can't do anything to change the fate that you choose so just accept it and go with it. Sometimes you feel happy but most of the time, your 'what ifs' always hunt you. Maybe because I had an anxiety that's why I am thinking this way or is this the thought that gives me anxiety? I'm not really sure.

Should I ask for a pshychiatric help? If yes, do we have the fund for it? How about my Clea? Who would take care of her? Oh dear! I am striving to help myself because I don't want anyone else to be involved in this trouble most especially my daughter. If I go crazy, I will not be able to take care of her which I don't like to happen. Though it's hard to control my thoughts, I am fighting with it and choosing to think of the present rather than the past or the future. I am living in the present so I must focus on what is happening today because if I keep on dwelling on the past and thinking about the future, I will not be able to enjoy my today.

What I also learned is that the small choices we made can make a great impact in life and so we must be mindful of what we choose everyday for regret doesn't happen at the very first day.

See I won't be able to change what I chose because it will be a big trouble if I withdraw from the gambling I entered. And, I could not go back too because I am not welcome in my past anymore.

What if I am not with who I am today? Then maybe I would be a happy wife. Maybe....

Is this the thought of a mother who's tired and still waits for the signal at 1 AM? Lol. Crazy me. Sorry for this folks. I only type it just now for I am saving the time when the internet connection is good (only from midnight until 2 AM).

So what's your 'what ifs' and 'then'?

Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help.

Ciao! ❤️