I'm lost.

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Avatar for Marinov
2 years ago

Last night, I slept so late again. I think that was already 12 AM or 1 AM. There are a lot of things that are keeping me awake every night turning me into nocturnal. I sleep during the day and fully awake at night. I tried several ways on how to fall asleep fast but those ways don't work for me. Even drinking a glass of milk every night doesn't induce my sleep unlike before. I tried to think deeply what really keeps me from sleeping early and I realized that maybe it's because I think a lot at night. I worry about tomorrow and still dwell in my past.

I have this ex-boyfriend who I cannot forget since the day we separated. We ended up in a not so formal way. We didn't say goodbye to each other. We just ended the communication until we decided on our own that we are already over. Meaning, no closure at all. This ex-boyfriend of mine is the very first man I cannot get over with. At first, I thought I will just forget him just like the others but I am wrong. I think God let us meet so that I will learn my lesson.

Call me anything you can describe/think. I have been to another relationship while I was still in a relationship. Yes! That was last year. I was with my boyfriend for 6 years when I met another man (the ex I am talking in this article). My 6-year boyfriend was fine but I don't really see my future with him even we are together for so long. Perhaps, we are not just for each other. I told him many times we should broke up because I don't feel anything towards him but he's just too hard-headed and would decide to continue the relationship. When he was away, I found a reason to broke up with him. I know I was too harsh but not letting him go when I feel nothing at all is like fooling him. It's better to hurt him with the truth for one time than making him believe we still work though we don't. I called him and told everything that I am breaking up with him and each one of us will be in our best if we separate.

That's why I met, Steve, my ex as well as of now. Steve was so generous and loving type of boyfriend. He gave all to me without me asking. He was the type of boyfriend that you will not have a problem when it comes to financial aspect. He has his own business. He's selfless too and spend money everyday just to treat his friends with foods and drinks. He put me first before anything. He thinks about my welfare and my future. He cares about my family too and gets along well with them. He supported me when I was still applying for a job and until I get the job already.

I was thinking that if he's the one I marry, my life would be perfect because I told him already that I really wanted to be a housewife and he agreed. Actually we planned about our future already. He had already purchased car, and the next one will be buying our home in case we plan to settle down. We searched for house and lot online and already eyeing one that he's about to buy. Everything was planned already but then destiny made fun of me and tested me, and my faithfulness which I failed.

I never knew I love him not until the day I left him.

Something happened that ruined our relationship.

I've been influenced by my friends which made me lied to him. Instead of giving him my time after work, I lied to him and told him I want to rest but I was really with my friends partying. He saw me a lot of times when I told him I was asleep but I am not. Still, he forgave me. I can still remember the times he cried in front of me asking me what's wrong with him or what's missing in him. I felt so guilty during those times but I was not changed at all. I kept doing the things that hurt him.

Though I changed a lot, still he loved me and his treatment towards me did not change because he said maybe one day, I will get back to the old me and we will be fine again. Honestly, I really tried because I don't want to hurt him more. But the the temptations were too strong which made me deviate to what we planned. I was lost because I chose to be carried away with temptations and fun with friends without realizing that these moments don't last forever.

I chose my friends over Steve. I will never forget the day when Steve let me choose him even just for one time but then I chose my friends. I chose to go with my friends leaving Steve behind and he was waiting for me at the street until dawn. Can you imagine how bad I was before?

After that, he forgave me again and thought I will change. His treatment was still the same -- caring and loving. He never failed to give me food after my shift and took care of me when I felt tired of work. But then the same thing happened again which made Steve so broken. He questioned his worth because of what I did. He felt that he was so small and useless.

That's why I decided to let him go because being with me hurts him a lot. He still doesn't want to end the relationship and kept on reaching out. I was so heartless during those times so I blocked him in every means he can reach me.

I know he was so hurt and I know he's been drinking every night just to ease the pain but I just ignored the realization. Our common friends told me that he's not doing well but I don't mind it that time. It's better for him to be that way because I know he can move on one day.

After a month being away with him, I started to miss him. I started to miss the things we used to do. Our escapades, our dinner dates, his jokes, the foods we shared, his love and the way he takes care of me. I miss everything about him. But I realized I am not in the position to reach out to him. I can see that he has moved on. I saw pictures of him smiling and being happy with friends and family.

I have this urge to chat/text him but I am afraid what response I will get. I'm too shy because of what I've done.

I feel lonely without him and I think this is my karma for not loving him the way he deserves when he's still with me.

If this is the price I pay for everything, I have no choice but to accept since it's my fault.

I deserve this sadness. Karma really works.

And now I'm lost.

Sorry for being emotional. I just want to let go some of the baggages I carry everyday.

Any advice or violent reaction is welcome.


Thank you so much guys for reading! You've been so kind to me since day one.

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Thank you so much again for your time! To my generous sponsors, upvoters and to those who comments, I am sending you my warmest gratitude! Let's talk and get to know each other well.

Images are from Unsplash.com

Ciao! ❤️

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Avatar for Marinov
2 years ago

Comments

Awts pain. Ganon po talaga siguro kapag nakukuha yung gusto or minamahal ng totoo. Minsan kasi hindi natin nakikita ang ginagawa ng tao para saatin kaya hinahayaan natin. Tas hahanap in kapag nawala. I think napatawad kana niya, patawa rin mo nalang po ang sarili mo at maging masaya narin sa mga taong nag mamahal sayo. Hindi lang po sayo ngyayari to pero lesson and learned narin to sa mga taong nakakaranas ng ganito ngayon. Goodluck po sa mga susunod mo pang decision at hoping na makapag move on kana rin sa past mo. Ingat❤️🤗🤗

$ 0.01
2 years ago

Hello, sis! Salamat sa pagbasa at sa advice mo. Na appreciate ko ☺️ sana nga makamove on na ko at sana makausap ko sya ulit.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Goooo naaaa siiiiisss!!! Take the risk dyan ka lang magkakaroon ng peace of mind at satisfaction basta hindi pa sya in a relationship, I suggest that you'll approach him slowly! Huhu gusto ko ng happy ending. If you have decided to make that move update ka after hehe then gawa ka ng part two .. charoot demanding nacarried away lang😁😅💕

$ 0.01
2 years ago

Try ko sis ah, baka kasi mapahiya ako eh hehe! Sure gagawa ako ng part 2 nito pag nagreply sya sa IG hehe

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Sigeeee imention mo ako ha!! Pray ko dn na sana your feelings will reach to him🥰

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Oh sure, sis. Salamat ❤️

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Medyo may kalungkutan pala ang story mo,sana magiging okay ka rin,at magkakaroon ka ng peace of mind.

$ 0.01
2 years ago

I hope so too. 🥺 Thanks, friend.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Talagang ang pagsisisi nasa huli.., naiinggit ako sa mga ganitong kwento.. ung kwento na naranasan nila na may nagmamahal sa kanila..,

Ang mahalaga natuto tayo ng lesson.., natuto at isasabuhay ang natutunan..,

$ 0.01
2 years ago

Korek, sis. Ngayon masasabi ko talaga na natuto na ako.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Good to know po...,

$ 0.00
2 years ago

I think you should talk to Steve and rekindle that relationship. Love is sweeter the second time around, right? :) But whatever you think is good for you both. Follow your heart.

$ 0.01
2 years ago

I wish I have the strength to talk to him. But one of these days, I will try to reach out and say sorry again. I won't expect that we'll get back together I just want closure and to say my apology. Only then my mind and heart can rest. Thanks, Lee. Your advice is very much appreciated.

$ 0.01
2 years ago

That's right. It would be best for both parties to have closure to clear the air so to speak.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Tama na yan. Inuman na🥂

$ 0.01
2 years ago

Ako na tiga tagay pero di ako iinom haha!

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Naaa mura jug moinon. Puhon ig mahuman na kos ahong mission magtagay ta. Hahaha

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Steve sounds like such a wonderful guy and thats exactly why you should talk to him and let him know your feelings. The way you wrote this shows me how much you love Steve just write something to him. I am sure he will be glad to hear your voice or see your writing.

Dont feel lost without trying he may still be waiting just try!!

$ 0.02
2 years ago

Thanks! I didn't realize this before that I have fallen for him this hard and leaving him would make me feel what I lost. I think he doesn't want to talk to me now. 🥺 Nice to meet you, by the way.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Bat ang dami mo atang nasaktan? I mean, kwento mk nga ba uny nabasa ko noon na iniwan ang bf, not sure lang ahahaha basta un.

But seriously, why you're like that. Bakit ka nananakit, ay wait meron din nga pala sa buhay ko na nanakit ako. I mean, diko na kasi talaga mahal kaya aun. Hiniwalayan ko, ayaw pumawag kaya gumawa ang ng dahilan kunh ano ano ng ginawa ko kaso ayaw talaga. Pero napilit ko din in the end hahaha

Pero ung sau, karma na ata yan talaga masyado kang mapanakit 🙄

$ 0.01
2 years ago

Ito talaga yung realtalk eh. Salamat ms. Ruffa kasi napaka straight forward mo po magsalita gaya ng nanay ko. Hehe! Oo, parang kwento ko yun. Hehe! Ewan ko ms. Ruffa di ko lang talaga sguro pa alam kung ano talaga gusto ko nuon, pero ngayon, alam ko na at huli na ang lahat. Karma nga hehe

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Let me hug you Sissy. That's really hard but I suggest you to send a message to him even just 'hi', let's see on what will be his response on that. If he replied then let your heart and mind cooperate to make the conversation ongoing, atleast you can talk to him. We may not know he miss you too so much.

$ 0.01
2 years ago

Thanks for the hug, sis. I am afraid of his response and I don't like to be just on "seen" that's why I don't communicate first. But I will reach out one of these days so my mind and heart can have their peace.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Goodluck Sis, basta ang goal lang natin dito ay peace of mind for you and to grab the chance, atleast di ka magsisi sa huli

$ 0.00
2 years ago

I really hope you will find the courage to speak to him 🌺 if you do, maybe things will happen, and if they don't happen the way you want, at least their will be closure for you to move on. You never know, maybe he is feeling the same way for you 🌻

$ 0.01
2 years ago

Thanks, friend. Yes, that's it. Closure because we really don't have closure since we broke up. Definitely, I wish I can have the courage to communicate to him.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Day by day parang namememorized ko na mga love life mo Teacher Marinov hehe, its really nice to men to read a real story of like this, its give me idea somewhere down the road hehe..

$ 0.01
2 years ago

Hehehe somewhere down the road talaga eh. Pasensya na pod serr medyo drama ako ngayong araw kasi palagi ko syang naiisip. Charot.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

absence makes the heart grow fonder ... you might feel that because you are not together anymore... but the question is if the same feelings will rekindle once you get back?

$ 0.01
2 years ago

Oh what a question. I don't know sis. I am really confused. But one thing is for sure -- that I do miss him and I want to have a proper closure. Whatever happens after, I will surely accept and just move on for my peace of mind.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

hat a question. I don't know sis. I am really confused. But one thing is for sure -- that I do miss him and I want to have a proper closure. Whatever happens after, I will surely accept and just move on for my peace of mind.

that's great... you must indeed have a proper closure.there's no harm in trying sis

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Omygad. Pero why won't you try to reach out? Wala na bang chance talaga?

$ 0.01
2 years ago

Parang wala na sis eh. Hehe! Feel ko ayaw na nya sakin.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

youch... waah. .oh well.. charge to lesson learned then? Hard stuff.

$ 0.01
2 years ago

Yup, charged to lesson learned. Very hard but this is what I deserve for being a heartbreaker

$ 0.00
2 years ago

It takes time but everyone moves on. Maybe he moved on now...you should too.. I know it hurts but there is no way to go back again.. 😉

$ 0.01
2 years ago

Aweee thanks, sir. This makes sense. Yes, perhaps he had moved on and I am the only who's stuck. I should get going then

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Most times, we feel so sad when we have finally found the importance of missing such beautiful Opportunity. I think to me, someone doing this to me, I don't think I will ever hurt him in anyway but to keep loving him. I think if he isn't engaged yet, you can just go and meet him, apologize and get back together again. If he isn't engaged yet, he may feel so happy you finally changed.

$ 0.01
2 years ago

Thanks, Princess. I will try to connect with him one of these days for us to have closure and so I will have my Peace of mind. Doesn't matter if we will not get back together I just want to apologize 🥺

$ 0.00
2 years ago

You know the importance of the person when it's gone. Nasa huli ang pagsisisi gajud diay mem. Pero akong advice, why not take the risk to reach him ? At least mahibaw-an nimo kung dawaton pa ba ka niya or dili na. Arun pud mahiluna na imong hunahuna. Have courage lang mem.

$ 0.01
2 years ago

Mauwaw ko mo communicate ug una mem hehe ja kahibaw ko gidaotan nakog maajo sa ijang mga barkada. Ja usa pa, naa napod koy uyab run. Hehe! Lisod lge oy. Saon pa buang2 man lge ko

$ 0.00
2 years ago