I'm lost.

Last night, I slept so late again. I think that was already 12 AM or 1 AM. There are a lot of things that are keeping me awake every night turning me into nocturnal. I sleep during the day and fully awake at night. I tried several ways on how to fall asleep fast but those ways don't work for me. Even drinking a glass of milk every night doesn't induce my sleep unlike before. I tried to think deeply what really keeps me from sleeping early and I realized that maybe it's because I think a lot at night. I worry about tomorrow and still dwell in my past.

I have this ex-boyfriend who I cannot forget since the day we separated. We ended up in a not so formal way. We didn't say goodbye to each other. We just ended the communication until we decided on our own that we are already over. Meaning, no closure at all. This ex-boyfriend of mine is the very first man I cannot get over with. At first, I thought I will just forget him just like the others but I am wrong. I think God let us meet so that I will learn my lesson.

Call me anything you can describe/think. I have been to another relationship while I was still in a relationship. Yes! That was last year. I was with my boyfriend for 6 years when I met another man (the ex I am talking in this article). My 6-year boyfriend was fine but I don't really see my future with him even we are together for so long. Perhaps, we are not just for each other. I told him many times we should broke up because I don't feel anything towards him but he's just too hard-headed and would decide to continue the relationship. When he was away, I found a reason to broke up with him. I know I was too harsh but not letting him go when I feel nothing at all is like fooling him. It's better to hurt him with the truth for one time than making him believe we still work though we don't. I called him and told everything that I am breaking up with him and each one of us will be in our best if we separate.

That's why I met, Steve, my ex as well as of now. Steve was so generous and loving type of boyfriend. He gave all to me without me asking. He was the type of boyfriend that you will not have a problem when it comes to financial aspect. He has his own business. He's selfless too and spend money everyday just to treat his friends with foods and drinks. He put me first before anything. He thinks about my welfare and my future. He cares about my family too and gets along well with them. He supported me when I was still applying for a job and until I get the job already.

I was thinking that if he's the one I marry, my life would be perfect because I told him already that I really wanted to be a housewife and he agreed. Actually we planned about our future already. He had already purchased car, and the next one will be buying our home in case we plan to settle down. We searched for house and lot online and already eyeing one that he's about to buy. Everything was planned already but then destiny made fun of me and tested me, and my faithfulness which I failed.

I never knew I love him not until the day I left him.

Something happened that ruined our relationship.

I've been influenced by my friends which made me lied to him. Instead of giving him my time after work, I lied to him and told him I want to rest but I was really with my friends partying. He saw me a lot of times when I told him I was asleep but I am not. Still, he forgave me. I can still remember the times he cried in front of me asking me what's wrong with him or what's missing in him. I felt so guilty during those times but I was not changed at all. I kept doing the things that hurt him.

Though I changed a lot, still he loved me and his treatment towards me did not change because he said maybe one day, I will get back to the old me and we will be fine again. Honestly, I really tried because I don't want to hurt him more. But the the temptations were too strong which made me deviate to what we planned. I was lost because I chose to be carried away with temptations and fun with friends without realizing that these moments don't last forever.

I chose my friends over Steve. I will never forget the day when Steve let me choose him even just for one time but then I chose my friends. I chose to go with my friends leaving Steve behind and he was waiting for me at the street until dawn. Can you imagine how bad I was before?

After that, he forgave me again and thought I will change. His treatment was still the same -- caring and loving. He never failed to give me food after my shift and took care of me when I felt tired of work. But then the same thing happened again which made Steve so broken. He questioned his worth because of what I did. He felt that he was so small and useless.

That's why I decided to let him go because being with me hurts him a lot. He still doesn't want to end the relationship and kept on reaching out. I was so heartless during those times so I blocked him in every means he can reach me.

I know he was so hurt and I know he's been drinking every night just to ease the pain but I just ignored the realization. Our common friends told me that he's not doing well but I don't mind it that time. It's better for him to be that way because I know he can move on one day.

After a month being away with him, I started to miss him. I started to miss the things we used to do. Our escapades, our dinner dates, his jokes, the foods we shared, his love and the way he takes care of me. I miss everything about him. But I realized I am not in the position to reach out to him. I can see that he has moved on. I saw pictures of him smiling and being happy with friends and family.

I have this urge to chat/text him but I am afraid what response I will get. I'm too shy because of what I've done.

I feel lonely without him and I think this is my karma for not loving him the way he deserves when he's still with me.

If this is the price I pay for everything, I have no choice but to accept since it's my fault.

I deserve this sadness. Karma really works.

And now I'm lost.

Sorry for being emotional. I just want to let go some of the baggages I carry everyday.

Any advice or violent reaction is welcome.

Thank you so much guys for reading! You've been so kind to me since day one.

Thank you so much again for your time! To my generous sponsors, upvoters and to those who comments, I am sending you my warmest gratitude! Let's talk and get to know each other well.

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Ciao! ❤️