The Responsibility that Isn't Mine in the First Place
I am the second eldest among four of my siblings and as the second eldest in the family, I know for sure that I will soon carry the heavy responsibility on my shoulders in the future. But you know what? I became too complacent because I know that I have an eldest brother that will support us once he graduate from college. That he will be the first one to carry the burden and responsibility to support our family before me, but some things don't work as we planned or imagined them to be. Indeed we can't predict the future, and we can't foresee our fate. Everything can change in an instant and the only thing that we can do is go with the flow, accept, and embrace the changes.
Right now, I feel like the crown was passed onto me without me expecting it and all I can do is accept the responsibility to lead my kingdom. I thought that I can still be able to enjoy my youth and freedom but I suddenly felt chained and committed to my obligations. All that happens because of one reason, and that reason changes my priorities and whole being.
Who would have thought that my eldest brother unexpectedly chose to take a different path? A path wherein his friends are his utmost priority than his family. A path wherein he chose to give up his education, and a path wherein he is considering building his own family. No one ever sees that coming and we never expect it to happen. The one that I thought to be the first one to help my family is the first person who gives up achieving his dream, making me the next successor of his duties and responsibilities.
I can't help but feel pressured. Especially now that I am in the final step of my education which is college. Soon enough, after 3 more years, I will graduate, and I needed to find a stable career to support my family. Since my brother decided to stop his studies, it just means that I will be the first one in the family to take a college degree. Of course, I am proud but I feel like I suddenly became the eldest among us. Now, I know how the eldest feels when it comes to obligations. It's hard to do and hard to maintain.
My current situation pressured me a lot even though my parents are not pressuring me. I can't help but overthink. What if I failed them? What if my future is not as bright as I see it? What if I became a disappointment? Will my parents still be proud of me? Will they still look up to me? I have a lot of what-ifs but I am fighting the urge to give up. This is just a challenge to me. God will never send a problem that I can't solve. I put my trust in Him.
I just want to express what I am feeling for a long time now. It's my first time opening up about this to people who I don't personally know because I know you didn't know me too and you will not judge me 😹 It's really hard to be the eldest in the family because it means you are obligated to help your family financially. Salute to all the people who became the father of their homes, I admire your strength!
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