I Think She's Depressed

I have written an article about how stubborn my grandma is. She doesn't want to stay in one place. She hates to sit still. She likes to move around as if she controls everything. She's very specific with her things, she always has something to say to anything.

She used to be a plain housewife so she's used to take over of the household chores. She's the queen of the house. Now that she's grown old, her body has become weaker but her mind is still strong. Her mind is the busiest but her body couldn't keep up.

2 months ago she was hospitalized because she got Covid but we were so glad she was able to get it through. Those were the times that we got so concerned. The family was severely affected but through God's grace, she recovered.

It was January 9, 2020, when she lost the love of her life. We lost our grandfather. He died due to a thoracic aneurysm. It was devastating. Everyone was affected. That was pre-pandemic.

Then March came and everything changed. Everything is almost restricted. The elderly and the children are restricted to go outside. Wearing face masks and face shields is mandated and should be practiced at all times.

This severely affected the lives of the people. Then there's grandma, confused about what's happening. She's saddened because she could no longer go outside every Monday for her adoration at the church.

Her social life went silent, she could no longer attend charismatic meetings and all activities related to the church.

One year has passed and I witnessed how her health deteriorated. She still does the things she used to do during the day but sometimes she takes a rest too often because her knees are getting weak and she experiences discomfort in breathing.

2 months ago, she got Covid and I'm sure that it's either I or my sister who passed it to her. I honestly thought it was just simple colds and coughs but the effect on her was serious. She got hospitalized and came out positive in Covid. 2 weeks passed and she recovered.

Lately, I have noticed that she behaves differently. She appears to be in despair and always into deep thinking. I ask what seems to be bothering her but she said she's okay.

Loss of appetite

Her stomach is very sensitive to acidic foods. Her doctor advised her to not eat foods that would trigger her ulcer. Oranges, pineapples, citrus, vinegar are some of those she should avoid.

However, what triggers her acid reflux more is her habit of thinking too much. As I said, it's as if she controls everything and if one fails to deliver, she gets stressed and there her acid reflux starts to act up. I'll give you some scenarios that do not really need to be executed perfectly but she's so specific about it.

When washing the dishes, the plates should be placed in a big strainer first before putting them on the cabinet to avoid leaking and damaging the cabinet.

The water used to rinse the rice should be stock water in a gallon because the water from the faucet is dirty and there are particles unseen that could put our health in danger. That way, the gallon stock with water can filter it.

The leftover rice should be put in the rice cooker once it boils so it gets heated and serve along with the cooked rice but has to be placed in the corner of the Tupperware which determines it as leftover.

And a whole lot more!

So if these things won't be delivered as how she wants them to be, she gets stressed, frustrated, and starts losing her appetite. When she does, she has this habit of always spitting because of the acid she wants to let out.

Sleep disturbances

As she loses appetite, her sleep gets disturbed because of the discomfort she feels in her throat. She said that it's phlegm that sticks to her throat and she can't manage to let it all out even spitting countless times.

This usually happens at night and so her sleep is affected and she's tired throughout the day. The moment we wake up in the morning, she stares at one corner appears to be weak and sad.

I hate seeing her like that. I do understand that elders have weaker stamina but seeing her be in that situation concerns me the most.

Always Irritated

Because she lacks sleep, she lacks energy, she feels irritated all the time. Our house helper mostly gets reprimanded for her expressions. She wants every detail to be exact and delivered.

One time our house helper was mopping the floor and cleaning the tables, taking away the dust from the furniture. She (grandma) complained about why the floor is so wet and why didn't she mopped it beforehand so she can pass by.

Her patience is just too low and she's overly sensitive to everything she sees. She comments bad things to the commercials on tv saying that girl doesn't suit to be there. Just everything.

Occasional talk about death

Yesterday, we had our lawn cut because the grass has grown and she hates to see it. The good thing was the man who mowers the lawn usually visited so we had it cleaned. The weather was gloomy and the sky drizzled.

There were bits of raindrops so we couldn't sweep the grass because if we do, we might get colds and she'll get infected again. Her immune system is weaker than us so she will be seriously affected.

The drizzle lasted almost the entire day. The next thing I know, she started sweeping the grass while the raindrops are falling. I confronted her to stop doing it because it's slightly raining. We'll take over once the drizzle stops and then she explained that she gets cold when she doesn't do anything.

My sister scolded her and told her about how vulnerable she is to catch colds so she sat at the bench mumbling. I heard her saying "maayog pag mamatay" which translates to "better if I die".

That statement got me thinking deeply and confirmed to myself that maybe she's depressed. Maybe she misses grandpa and our aunt working in Oman. Or maybe she's frustrated with the situation or with her health.

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Thank you for reading.

Keep safe everyone! ❤