My life is like a Quiescent Sea

It has been pouring cat and dogs since yesterday and it seems that this bad weather symbolizes my inner side and is forcing me to recall all the worst things which happened earlier which I don't want to do.

My life is like a silent sea , tranquil, placid, unruffled from outside but lots of endless currents of emotion is shaking my world each and every moment which I can't control.

I'm becoming a whole new person each day. Sometimes it happens with my will and sometimes it happens without my will. There were lots of "Sorry" rather than "Thank You" in my dictionary but now I'm trying to replace that unwanted dictionary of mine with a new one where I want to see just one word "Self-Love".

Back then, I was afraid of being forgotten, of being left behind. I wanted to be seen, heard, cared, loved by someone but no matter how much you try there are some people who could hear you speak a billions words for a billions time and still don't understand you and on the contrary there are some people who will understand you without saying a word, they can understand your longings, your sufferings through your silence, I wanted to find out this type of person but now I want to be that person.

After suffering a lot, I realized that some of my dear ones are polluting my soul, poisoning my heart unbeknownst to me so it is better to tear myself apart from everything which are causing me unremitting heartaches and wounds but believe me it was not as easy as I thought. It took lot of courage, lot of time to cut myself off from them but I ended up with a bunch of satisfaction and propitiation, it matters the most... Is not it???

I can still remember the worst day of my life when I chose others over my own self and decided to abandon my beating heart just to follow & engrave a small place of other's stone like heart.

I'm a minor compared to my age as because my brain and heart tooks lots of time to swallow all the true fact , to see the real color of all people. I used to have very hard time when I used to suffer a lot just to know the real intentions of my society, of my surroundings, how to cut myself off from some people. I never wanted to give up on people even on worst ones I considered that if I put more efforts, if I grind more, if I push myself more, if I give more energy, if I give more time then I would be able to make them happy. I did my best , I gave my everything up to make them content , happy but I failed to do that. I wish I realized this thing before, that no matter how much you try, no matter how much you give, no matter how much you love them_ there are many of us who will continue to hurt you for innumerable times. No matter how good you are, there are some people who will continue to demotivated you, disbelief you, discourage you but you know the real truth, you have seen the real potential of yours.

My parents are really proud of me not because I have achieved lots of things which I did not but because of my strong will power and strong charecter, they says that "Our daughter is very strong and can handle any situation" __but deep inside I know how many rivers, made of my precious tears, I allowed to flow through my cheeks and am still allowing them.

Whenever someone hurt me dunno why I try to be more strong than before silently by using some comforting words instead of defending myself from those hurtful, awful words and I know I will continue to do this again and again. I always try to convince myself that I need to be more strong, more courageous, more brave after all you can't please everyone so you have to strong because someone somewhere is waiting just to hurt you. I can't say anything to them in return, I can't hurt them in return, I can't defend myself from them not because I'm weak, fragile but because I know they are human too, they have their feelings too. I would love to drown in a ocean of my own tears than to hurt someone else in return because I know that if I hurt someone then at the end of the day I will be the one who will hurt and suffer the most.

I have learnt that this world will accept you only when you become like them but now I don't want to accepted by someone because I will be myself. I have learnt that people will hate you for no reason, they can go to any extent to prove that you are a bad person though you are not in real. But you know the truth, you know who are you in real. If you're worrying because of other's opinions, if you're overthinking because of other's judgment then please don't you can't change their imagination about you by worrying but your worries can hurt you in return.

I have changed myself a lot and I still have lots of things to change. I have become a whole new person, now I want to see myself from someone else's point of view again for once, I just want to know what they feel about me now. I'm not regretting at all for my worst past or for my worst experiences because My worst experiences, worst days has woven courage, braveness and self love on my every inch of skin and in my heart.

I was afraid to stop loving others but still I did but now I realized The end of loving others was the beginning of loving myself. So I should not feel guilty for this coz I did the right thing.

We should distance ourselves from others even for once because this absence of yours, this distance between you and others will help you to realize a lot. If you're regretting because if your late realization then remember 'A late bloom is still Beautiful.'

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Let me finish here for today. As still I'm enjoying a rainy evening here. Though I am bored now because of the same dumpy weather but to be honest I really like the continuous music of dripping rain, so l want enjoy the real music to the fullest.

How was your day??? I can't wait for a new months, just after a couple of days we will be able to enjoy and welcome another new month in this new year. I hope you all are fit and fine both physically and mentally. Don't roam outside until you have some urgent work.

Thank you sooo much all my readers, commentators, upvoters, subscribers, sponsors and Rusty too for all your endless supports and for reading my not-so-interesting articles. Thank you for giving me your precious time and thoughts.

Irene (6.09pm_26.01.2022) Lead image source :—https://unsplash.com/photos/KMn4VEeEPR8