September 5 to 11, is the Suicide Awareness week. I learned this from Mindnation, a group of people helping people about mental health. Our company is one of the group join in and we are receiving emails about their articles for mental. They do blogs about how they can help people but most of the time they are inviting everyone for a one and one session to assess their mental health.

Moving forward, everytime I am reading the word "suicide", I cringed. I remember a good friend during my training in a BPO company. The training lasted for 10 working days, but that short period of time with that person is equals to a lifetime memories.

This friend of mine, let's call her Amy. Her name is long so let's shorten it. Anyway, Amy is not her real name though. Amy became my seat mates during the training. The two of us are belong to the people who are not technical with all the shortcut terms in the computer, so we always exchanged questions that both of us can't answer. Good thing there are kind individuals who answers the questions for us. We tried our best to pass the training.

Amy, is like me, she is one of the bread winner in her family. As I remember she have an Engineering course during college but she didn't passed the board examination. As we are seat mates, we get closer. After two days, we found ourselves sharing personal stories. We shared family problems and try to motivate one another. By the way, we are both training in that BPO industry only for part time. We have our regular jobs during daytime and at 7pm we meet in a certain BPO industry in Ayala Makati for the training.

One day she shared about her most difficult problems in her life and that is her mother. Her mother, as she described, has a big mouth. She is a good mother, always cook for them, wash their clothes, aka House Mama. When she is finished with all the household chores, she will we transform to Tita Marites, one of the neighborhood gossiper. Once Amy went home, during their dinner, for sure the House Mama will share a story of some other mother, with a daughter or son, that has been successful in life. She is always proud of someone else achievement. Amy in the side, is always belittled by House Mama. House Mama will say "if you passed the board exam you are now in Italy or in Germany and giving me a hundred thousand pesos every month, just like the daughter of so and so". We a deep sigh as a reaction, she will just look at her mother. The conversation is always like that.

When she is giving the House Mama the budget for the month, the house Mama will say "if you passed the board exam you could give me this amount in triple, just like the daughter of SO and so, just recently they bought a new washing machine this big". When money problems arises at home, the House Mama will again rember the failed board exam results of Amy. So Amy, just to escape the big mouth of House Mama, find another job to make ends meet, or more than the amount of it and to also avoid conversation like that at home. When the house mama found out an additional job she will say "naku, if you just passed your board exam you don't have to be hard on yourself like that, you should be resting rather than little by little dying".

Before I continue the story, I invite your to visits my amazing Sponsors who doesn't have a big mouth and will not compare me to anyone's daughter and son.

Amy, always questioning her capacity and ability to provide for the family. It seems every hard work is not paying. I told her that what she is doing is okay. I am having triple jobs too. She said she feel exhausted and every thing she does is not enough. I said to her that the only problem is her House Mama. The House Mama's attitude towards her should change. She should move forward about the board exam as Amy already move on from it. I think it's bad for her own daughter to be compared by some other's daughter because they have different decisions and different efforts in making a living. A mother should support their child with their decisions and not to push them away because some other's daughter is earning more. That is the reason why she is always exhausted.

On our 6th day of training, Amy is absent. On the 7th day, Amy went to training with a big bulge in her eyes. I know already what happened, another misunderstanding with House Mama. Actually she learned that her House Mama do not feed her dog because the money is not enough for the dog to join. When she went home the night before, her dog was ill and do not want food anymore. She went to a nearby veterinary office to treat her dog. The dog was saved. When they went home the door is lock. She was shouting outside calling for a family member but no one is answering. She then forcely opened the door that made a loud sound. The house mama went down and when she opened the door, she gave her a sounded and heavy slap. She went dizzy and fell on the floor. The House Mama said "you have a budget for your dog but you didn't even think to replace our rice cooker". Then she saw the dog walking inside their house, the House Mama added "she is still alive, I thought both of you died in the road, you didn't even managed to call where you are going, you just left without saying anything". Amy, with all her dizziness, stand up and went to her room with her dog. Still the House Mama shouting "who am I talking with, a ghost?" then she doesn't heard anything because she fainted in bed.

On that night, when we were about to go home she thanked me for listening. She thanked me for making her happy for a short time. She also said that while she have misery at home, she enjoyed the training and she thinks God gave me to her to confide her problems. She hugged me and said goodbye. I blurted "uy teh may 3 days pa tayo" she answered with a sweet smile.

On the 8th day, she was absent. I don't understand what I felt. I was like feeling cold and my stomach ache. I texted her but she didn't reply. On the 9th day, I found out I got in. She didn't because she failed to have the examination on the 8th day. I kept calling her mobile but she didn't answer. The HR also asked me if we had conversation and I said I do not received anything from her.

On the 10th, as a passed the hallway of our office on my part time job, one of my co-trainee ask me about her and if I know. I asked why, but they stop talking. I felt nervous because of the expression of her face. We were in a room, a few who passed the training and was given the list of requirements. While we were at the HR office, one of the HR personnel called me. She asked me if I know already. Again, that question is horrifying, it seems I know what happen but I honestly didn't know. I asked what happened and she told me Amy is dead. She took her own life in the 7th day of training. Her remains are at her house at Guadalupe Makati.

I didn't know what to say. I can't cry. I just don't know how to react. They gave me a water because I looked shock, because I am. I don't know. I really don't know why she did it and if that is true. I got feverish after knowing it and was not okay until 5 days. I felt bad. I lose a wonderful person but I still don't believe she will do that. I able to visit her house, together with our co-trainee, on her last day of wake. As I look on her coffin, she doesn't look good. She looks sad. I failed to know what really happened to her as her family don't want to talk about it, but it is clear that she took her life. Her dog died too. They are buried together.

I kept on praying to God to know the answer to my question but it is giving me the answer that it is about the pressure that the house Mama is giving her. Oh, before I forgot, I saw House Mama when I visited Amy's wake. She is a picture of a mother full of regrets,i feel bad for her. I didn't go near her though, my mind didn't allow me. I just hug her older, younger sister and her dad.

I was crying while typing this. I am still hurt losing a good friend. I just wish she just get out of their house rather than killing herself because taking lives is never an answer to problems. Maybe you can escape it, but remember there is always a solution to a problem. Amy failed to do something and that is to tell her mother that she is not comfortable to everything that she says about her. I kept on recalling if I gave her the right advises or suggestions, or maybe there is something happened before she took her life. I wish she is at peace wherever she is and I miss her. I'm wiping my tears now. Now that she Close she close her eyes, I am weeping.

Sorry for making the night sad by this story. I just need to let it all out of my chest.

Taking your own life is never an answer and a solution. If you know someone who you think will do take their own life you can help them and enlighten them. The only problem is, most of them do not talk about it, they just do it. Also, if you are pressured in life and you always think of taking suicide to end it, please don't. Just choose to relax and unwind, pray to God to change your mind and have a support system, the people that will not judge you for what you are going through and please choose to live.

Image : Unsplash

September 8, 2021