Sana kapag pwede na, pwede pa...

Hi, there read stars. I've been off for a while because I had my monthly sickness and dysmenorrhea almost killed the hell out of me. On Tuesday was the International Womens' Day and with the condition, I suffered yesterday, I thought to myself being a woman is indeed not an easy role in this world. I should feel honored, for God made me a woman. I salute all the strong women out there, we are all beautiful and we are all worth the love in this world.

I excused myself after I finished my class in the afternoon, so I could lay down and relax my lower abdomen part. I was trying to doze off but the pain is keeping me awake. I spent like hours scrolling Facebook. I planned on reading articles on this platform but my head can't focus.

I messaged my elder sister and cousins in our group chat. It's safe though because all the members there are only females. I asked for sympathy and what position should I do to make me fall asleep. They have replied in various ways which made me laugh at others' replies. I felt good in that way though. Our conversation went on, we didn't care even if the night is getting deeper. Then one of my cousins who is older than me called me and asked for a bit of my time.

Have you ever been told by anyone with their stories that somehow you needed to be careful with your words or else they're gonna drop the call because of not saying the right words?

On the other line, I heard at first her deep breathing. I just listened to her and waited until she started telling me what happened. I was stunned by the story she shared with me. When I was wasting my time scrolling Facebook, I read an essay about, "Kung sana kapag pwede na, pwede pa." I can't believe that what I'm hearing from my cousin is somewhat the same as that.

She worked as a nurse in Canada for 3 years, but before she went there, she did a lot of sacrifices. She broke up with her boyfriend, who was at the same time her best friend. At that time, her boyfriend was still pursuing his Engineering degree. She didn't want to be a burden to him especially since they are going to have a big difference in their time zones. She wanted him to focus only on his studies because she knows too well the hardships of a college student. Aside from that, if she didn't break up with him, she will never go to Canada. Unfortunately that time, her family is in need that is why she really had to go and leave him behind. But she said, she left her heart where her love is. It's with her first love.

Now that she's back. After not renewing her contract there, she's back for good. She has no plans to go back to Canada anymore. Of course, all of us, her close relatives, know about the breakup. We thought she's gonna end up meeting someone new there in Canada but we were wrong, as what she said, she left her heart where her love is.

The last time I heard about his ex-boyfriend was like 3 years ago, I'm still at college that time, since his family lives in the Luzon area, he was the only one in the Visayas because of his grandmother. When his grandmother died, a few months after my cousin went abroad, he went to his family in Manila. And transferred also there. After that, we got no news about him anymore. He deactivated his social media accounts.

My cousin was hopeful to see him again. I just knew that before going home, he stayed a few days in Manila. She somehow got connected to his sister. She was told what address where they can meet to see his first love again. The next thing I heard on the other line was another complete silence. I heard her silent sobs. I just listened. I was expecting that they met and then the guy doesn't want her back anymore because he is already successful and has a family now.

She said his sister took him on a wide pasture and there she saw his name carved on a cemented block on the ground. "In Memory of Bryan Jacob S. De Veyra." He died after a year of staying in Manila. Only a few months he will be graduating but one night, when he's on his way home from church, a group of boys blocked his way and they surrounded them. He was tortured and was stabbed many times. They took his cellphone, clothes, shoes, watch, money, everything he had with him. He was found lifeless and cold with nothing on his body. He was brutally killed.

My cousin felt the guilt. She said, she should've taken the risk of having a long-distance relationship. She blamed herself for what happened. I just listened to her on the other line because I do not know the right words to say. I am too stunned to utter a word. We ended the call almost midnight. I can't feel my dysmenorrhea anymore.

Before I fell asleep, I was thinking, probably it would be less painful if he was alive and got his own family. For sure my cousin will understand that. I understand that my cousin was holding on to the "Sana kapag pwede na, pwede pa" (I hope if it is possible already, it's still possible) idea. I don't know if that's the correct translation though, but, I learned too many lessons.

I hope you are too.

Have a great day ahead ❤