I Don't Deserve It...

I will never forget the day I met you. It was raining so hard on an April evening and I was stranded at the bus station, soaked and wet because I forgot to bring my umbrella the morning, I left the apartment. I was standing at a corner of the bus station while rainwater drips from my office jacket. Suddenly I felt a soft nudge on my shoulders followed by a man’s voice that says, “Miss, you can take my seat”. I looked to the direction from where that voice was coming from and I saw you- a 6-footer tall man wearing a black leather jacket and faded jeans. Yup, I can still vividly recall how you looked that evening and yes, I still remember even until now how I felt that familiar thug when I saw you beckoning me to sit down on a seat where you used to have seated. I never liked it when someone notices me or pays attention to me or out me in a position where other people would start looking at me, but on that night, I wonder why I was not mad at you even tough you made me feel a bit awkward. Did you made some incantations before you asked me to sit down? Because instead of blurting out my cliché,” No I’m good. I felt a seeming hypnosis that pulled me to the seat that you have been offering. And instead, I said,” Thank you Mister!” as I bowed down my head like how characters of a Japanese do. Do you still remember how you responded to me, or is just I who can still perfectly recall how our first encounter transpired? Well, you just told me this one sweet line that had my heart beating like a drum on a local bugle corps, “You looked tired over there, kaya sayo nalang yung chair “. I have been so used to not having someone noticed me when I am tired and sad. And that night, you really got me, because I was really tired and plus my seasonal affective disorder triggered by the rain, had me feeling so sad. My love, that was way way back. Until now whenever it rains, I still get sadness due to that seasonal affective disorder, but what is new now is I get a sweet smile on my face because rains remind me of that fateful April evening a long time ago when the universe conspired and has brought you to me an me to you.

You have no idea maybe, as to how much you change the way I look at myself, love. That fateful night in the bus station was one of the many sweet memories that I have always treasured. On that night, for the very first time, someone SAW me. All my life I thought I was really INVISIBLE, and I was so used to that.  I spent 24 years alone, hiding from everyone, I was so used to fighting my battles because I thought no one would do that for me or that no one would be so interested to get to battle in behalf of me, but then you came along and we fell in love. I'm not used to being seen this much by anyone. Love, I am writing this to let you know how blessed I was and am to have you in my life. You should know that I love the person that I am, when I am with you. The way you talked to me about your dreams and the things you believed we can accomplish together made me feel that I am worth something. You made me feel so happy, that I want to cry. I used to be so good at comforting myself when I cry but now, I crave for your presence whenever things don’t go right, coz I know you have that talent of uncovering the brighter side of almost every single dark tunnel that I am put in.

The simple things that you do, the way you look at me, the way you ask me how I am doing, the way you take the time to listen to me, love, it's all too much. The way you talk to me and the simple things that you do for me, makes me the happiest but every now and then, I feel like I don't deserve it. Because the way I see myself, my flaws, my tantrums and my syndromes-they make me feel that I am undeserving and unworthy of a minute of your time but then you are still there. No matter how difficult I am to deal with, no matter how many times I shut you out of my world you are still there, waiting for my insecurities to settle down so you can hug me tight. Above all the manly features that you have, the part that I love the most is your arms. Why? Because it is my favorite place to cry my heart out, it is where I have repeatedly said, “I hate me, I hate me, I hate me” over and over again but it is the same place where you have countlessly hushed my insecurities and calmed my troubled seas. My love, I can never imagine life without you. You mean the world to me. Though my insecurities are unceasing, your love and understanding has been constantly increasing and I love you for that my love from that rainy April evening.

Hi my dear read.cash fam! Hope you had fun reading my article! This article is inspired by the song entitled I Don't Deserve It by Lisa Cimorelli. Its one of the countless songs that I would listen to when I am sad. She wrote it from her experience with past relationships and her insecurities. She felt it was so difficult for her to move on and see herself as someone that is worth a man’s love and care. But on top of that, I am writing this because there are certain moments in my life where I felt like Lisa. I felt undeserving of any love that people gives me. I have felt that I don’t deserve to be loved by someone who has loved me unconditionally because I know I am not the best and the fact that someone sees me in a special way just don't make sense to me. Countless times I have asked my husband why he choose me, why does he love me when all I see in me is someone who is teeming with insecurities and imperfections. But then there he is, he continues to do and even until now, I still do not understand, and I thank him so so much for loving me unconditionally.

So yeah, that's it, I hope you liked it my dear fam! A big thanks to @meitanteikudo for the article he wrote which contained a ton of ideas that you can write about. If you want to join the fun, come and write a story about your favorite songs. Do not forget to tag dear @PeterMolnar since he was the one who taught of this wonderful prompt and @meitanteikudo too. Do not forget to use the hashtag #InspiredBySongs. Enjoy!

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