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I went to school... again but we didn't do much. It's more like killing time because the school has to be open and the teachers... They want to finish everything before the holidays start. I received my report today. I have to give it to my parents and can show it to my grandpartents. Grandparents can reward you with some money but parents never do. After the holidays I have to return it.
The teacher asked who will take care of the plants. You can take a plant with you or an animal and after the vacation you bring it back. Our class doesn't have an animal but the other classes do. In October,in the afternoon, you can bring your animal into the class if you like and tell about it.
I will not take a plant with me. It will die at our home. Each plant dies with us. The plant they gave to each child to take care of for some sort of contest doesn't look too well either. It's a fuchsia and should be kept outside but it doesn't like it.
June 14, 2021
I don't have much time to write. My mother keeps me busy and an eye on me because she says I cannot be trusted. I don't know why she says that. There's no place to go or to hide, I have no friends and if I don't work or am beaten I have to stay in bed.
June 15, 2021
I had to stay with strangers at their home in the afternoon. My mother took me by car so I can play with that child. I don't know this child. She is younger than me and the house is big. I don't know how to play, what to play with and I just watch.
She came back much later and said she took Soot to the vet. The vet killed him! She said people complained about him and that's why. She didn't kill Monthy though. Soot is a sweet dog and I saw how children bully them. That vet is a monster and so is my mother. She killed my dog and I couldn't say goodbye to him or hug him. He thought they would just go out for a ride. He loved sitting in the car. I can't be trust? She killed him, killed my dog!
June 16, 2021
Tomorrow dad will drive me to granny. He knew she would kill my dog.
June 17, 2021
Each time she speaks it sounds as if I hear a barking dog. It makes me nervous. I never heard a lady talk like she does or saw one being dressed like her. I don't know what to say to her. Should I greet or stay out of her way?
The barking continues while she lights one cigarette with the next. Did she smoke the entire cigarette already? It smells terrible. We don't smoke. Granny doesn't smoke and I wonder why she allows this person to make her house stink. Granny gives her coffee and offers her cookies but she doesn't want any.
While the lady barks on granny keep silent. I wonder if she is waiting for something.
I don't understand what the talk is about. Adults can be so confusing. They say nothing or talk about things that aren't important till they start totally unexpected about what they really want to say. I don't believe she is complaining but she needs to tell granny something she should know. The woman who visits her because? Most likely because she lives nearby. They are neighbours so to say and their children met and became friends. Is this woman granny's friend, even her best friend? Somehow I think she's not. Granny is polite like she always is and as soon as the woman leaves she will clean up. Open the windows, washing the cups and continue with her own life. She doesn't talk much and never gossips not even talk bad about my mother. I know it makes her angry how my mother treats me but granny says too she isn't angry with my mother because she never harmed her. I don't know what she means by that. Does it mean it's fine my mother hits me as long as she doesn't hit my granny? I know my mother hates granny and scolds her. Doesn't that hurt?
Perhaps it doesn't if you do not see that person frequently. Perhaps granny learned not to hear those bad words and ignores the scoldings. Perhaps she can because she is old and no longer cares about other people and she has a home of her own. Or perhaps it is because she survived the concentration camp and it can always be worse like living with my mother in the same house.
I think granny is happy in her home and happy if the lady leaves. She has things to do and has said what she needed to say.
"Will you visit us next time," she barks at the door before she leaves and granny nods. I am not sure when exactly next time will be but I know she won't take me with her.
My clothes stink. I smell smoke everywhere. I think my hair stinks too. I don't like cigarette smoke it makes me feel sick.
I wonder how it is to have a home of my own. A place where I can do as I like. I can sleep and no one will drag me out of bed in the middle of the night. No screaming, yelling, no punishments. No waiting till she is tired of beating me up, of breaking me.
I don't know if that will ever happen because children can not find a house of their own.
The bed I sleep in is softer than mine and there are springs underneath the mattress. At least I can sleep for some hours without being disturbed. Granny never enters my room if I am in bed and my uncle has his own room.