That's how I feel. My mother would say I am never in the mood, always look grumpy, ugly, am lazy and have a crinkle in my head. She means my brains are sick. I saw photos of brains and brains look crinkled to me like worms, not different from walnuts or intestines were thrown back into your body after the doctor cut you open, had a look at it and decided to throw it back. It's what they did with granny. My granny, dad's mom. She didn't feel well and they sliced her open. That doctor must have been a butcher. He sliced her open in the same way a hunter cuts his prey. Granny cried as she showed me what she looks like now. She cried about what the doctor did to her. He wasn't a specialist, didn't care about her, her feelings. "I'm old and no one needs to like me, there's no need to look good anymore is what that doctor said," she told me, "I should be grateful but I am not. I can't. How can I be grateful? He did nothing for me. Nothing to help me. That butcher used me for his experiments!"
Granny feels hurt and cried and I have never seen her cry in my life. She always goes on and never complaints. She has survived the horrors of the concentration camps. She has survived her abusers, molesters, rapes and humiliation and it didn't bring her any further. This doctor is not any better. Doctors should not harm people, they are not allowed to harm and swore they wouldn't.
If Hell exists it will be crowded over there. All those lying, cheating, stealing people. All those pretenders, scammers, politicians, doctors, dictators, bad neighbours, priests, monks, teachers, bullies, fake friends, CPS and bad parents. They will meet again. I don't think they fit into heaven but since the bible mentions "heavens" which means atmospheres (layers in the air outside) I think there's room enough. Granny already had her Hell. I keep thinking about how she lifted her clothes in the kitchen to show me. I don't know why she showed it to me. Perhaps because I was in hospital many times or perhaps because dad wouldn't care and shrug. My mother... She couldn't care either probably laugh and tell her not to be such a cry baby since she's old and has had her best years. Is life in a concentration camp count as "best years" because she was young? Dat lived in the concentration camp too.
My mother hates granny and is a monster. A monster who wants granny out of her way but granny is tough. I know she cried but she never says a bad word about my mother. She doesn't interrupt her if she yells, screams scold at her. Granny keeps her mouth shut. It's what makes my mother angry most of all. Being ignored, not being able to make other people angry or sad. Granny doesn't show any emotion and dad behaves the same. He waits till she finished her tirade. He never sheds a tear or scolds at her. Grandfather did it and he slammed her in the face if she behaved like a monster. He was the only one who could control her. Now he is dead and each day she changes more. Every day is a horror and I have to watch my steps. Granny never said it but grandmother says "your childhood is the best part of your life". Grandmother is wrong. I don't think her childhood was great but she keeps up appearances because she fears what other people think about her. Her reputation. She is wealthy and wealthy people should have a good reputation and give a good example to others. With us, in her family, something went wrong. Is she a good example? Her brother isn't and my mother is not.
Monday
June 7, 2021
A kid's diary
She taught me a lesson
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/she-taught-me-a-lesson-c4ce3e8d
It isn't gold for real
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/it-int-gold-for-real-9ed1fe16
God doesn't want you to be happy
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/god-doesnt-want-you-to-be-happy-045edf7c
I don't hate Monday's
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/i-dont-hate-mondays-ad9f6dc1
She made me count thrums
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/she-made-me-count-thrums-af67cf7c
