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Trapped, that's how I feel if children look at me. I can feel they don't like me, avoid me and talk about me.
The housekeeper said I am not ugly or fat. My mother says I'm ugly and children say I'm fat but my mother is not though.
In the afternoon I had a closer look at myself in the mirror. I don't like mirrors and don't use one. I brush my teeth with my eyes closed and do the same with my hair.
I think my mother is right. I am ugly and so is every school picture of me. The clothes I wear are ugly and itch and I never look great like some other children do. My face always looks hurt.
I don't have many school photos just two. I am always sick if the photographer visits the school. I gave grandmother a photo but I don't think she likes to have one.
If I look in the mirror I see a stranger. I don't think it's me I see. I feel trapped, being trapped in a body I don't recognize. It's not mine.
In bed, I think of the people who live in the wild. They have horses and colourful clothes and walk bare feet like me. I try not to hear my mother, she's in the small room next to mine. People are with her. I feel pity for them they have to visit her and cannot go somewhere else.
September 15, 2021
Auntie will get married. I have to wear a long skirt and a tailor will make it. Grandmother will knit a vest and I need a new blouse, a white one for the wedding. My mother announced it like she announces everything that needs to be done. Dad said it can wait since it will take a few more months and the date isn't said and they need to ask the church first.
I wonder if grandpa would have liked my new uncle. I think he would since I like auntie, not my mother but auntie. We sit at the kitchen table and eat bread. I try not to listen to my mother. Her voice... It hurts my ears I wish she would be quiet for a change. She always starts a fight if there's a celebration coming up.
September 16, 2021
My belly hurt and I'm crying in the bathroom upstairs. There's blood. I hope no one hears me because if it would only make everything worse. I sit and sit and hope it will be over soon so I can go to bed and sleep. I hope I can sleep.
"Are you in there," dad asked? I didn't know he was upstairs. He heard my cry.
"This is not normal," he says behind the closed door. He doesn't tell me to open it or tells me what to do so it will be normal. To me it is normal, I think it is. I heard how he left and walked down the stairs. Why did he ask if he doesn't help me? I don't know how long I stayed there. My legs felt numb, I felt cold and sleepy and decided to open the door and go to my bed. I hid my diary underneath my pullover and crossed the hallway in the darkness. I don't need a light, no light to find my way, no light to shine on me. At least the darkness takes care of me. I felt relieved as I stretched out in bed. Just wished my belly would stop hurting. I tried to lay on it but couldn't. I hope it will stop. The pain has to stop. My mother is more violent if I'm in pain. It makes her hate me even more.
September 17, 2021
My mother is angry or is it mad? She shouts and screams and it's about money again. Bills she cannot pay. She pays the bakery though if he delivers all those boxes with bread, rolls, cookies, cake and pie. She yells at me and my dad and told me I can forget about new clothes. She says she can not afford to buy me clothes for aunties wedding. I don't think auntie cares if I have new clothes neither do I. The clothes my mother buys for me make me feel unhappy. They itch and are ugly. She yells auntie needs to find herself another flower girl. I have no idea what a flower girl is and I don't care if I can't be one. I don't like it if people look at me. They should look at auntie not at me.
I hope my mother won't spoil her wedding like she did with my birthday and does with Eastern, Mothers Day, Saint Nicholas' birthday, Christmas and New Years Eve. Days she will fight with me and dad and everyone in her way. Those days I can count on being beaten up again.
I don't think there are days I can count on not being beaten up. Perhaps if I stay with granny but it's long ago I have been over there. She didn't visit us as it was my mother's birthday.
My mother left after she said if she would have an accident with the car it was me to blame. It's always my fault. Every night, the lack of money, her being pissed is always because of me. She says her life would be so different if I was never born. "I wish you were never born. I hate you and if I kill myself it's your fault!"
She slammed the door and left me behind shivering for fear in the hallway. I heard her car drive away. No bang, no accident.
I don't think I asked to be born. I don't think I would pick her to be my mother. I don't want her to touch me.
Dad told me to come along with him to the grocery shop and gas station. He didn't ask me how I felt, didn't tell me everything would be fine.
We already ate soup and bread as my mother arrived home. She dragged many bags and packages inside and ignored dad as he asked her if she bought clothes for herself again. I kept staring at the television and was happy she ignored me too. Perhaps she didn't notice me because I sat on the floor next to dad's chair. I wished he wouldn't have said anything. Wouldn't have asked her how she could pay for this. He should know she would fight with him, start scolding him saying it's her money!
September 18, 2021
Boring day but boring is always better than fights and being beaten up again. My parents don't speak to each other and they don't speak to me. Dad hides behind the newspaper and my mother is upstairs. She answers the phone with her voice as cold as ice.
We had fried chicken with peas and applesauce and dad went to the snack bar to buy some fries.