They scare me

I am not fat but the scales told me I am heavier than the bully in my class.
"Don't listen to hear," the housekeeper said. She usually does not talk to me. I feel sad and wonder how this can be.
Heavy bones do I have them?
I asked dad as he arrived home. Not immediately because it depends on his mood what his answer will be. He never shows much interest in me but I cannot ask someone else. Someone I trust like uncle Eric. He never speaks a lot. His sentences are short. He is not touchy and if he speaks at all I listen. He's the only uncle who complimented me. It's long once we went out to visit his uncle. The one who can cook and had a monkey, the uncle with a garden and who eats raisins bread with peanut butter. Uncle Eric and his uncle never told me I am ugly or fat. My uncle would tell me the truth.
"You have a boy's figure," dad says. I frown. I don't think I look like a boy. My hair is long, I wear dresses...
"It will change if you grow older. You are taller although you started so small."
Dad left and I stayed behind to clean up the kitchen.
I had to wait in the kitchen till the visitors went into the living. I waited longer and went upstairs after my mom told the first one to come upstairs. The front door was left open and I climbed the stairs as silent as possible. I heard them talk and went into my bedroom next door. I haven't seen my mother today which is good. I hope her clients will not make her angry. If they do she is kind to them but will punish me.
Before I fell asleep I heard dad go downstairs. Perhaps he stays in the kitchen? We both are not allowed to stay in the living if my mother works.
"No one needs to see your ugly face," she shouted to me not that long ago. At least I am not fat it would only give her more reasons to punish me.

Thursday
August 26, 2021


Back to school is not too bad. The teacher is still kind and I think all children like him. Mrs Mulder left school and I think many children did. We started with two classes and now there's only one.
This afternoon the reading with the entire school started again. I like it although I wish it wouldn't be so short. Sometimes it's boring to wait how other children spell each word it takes so long. I couldn't help sighing. It's noisy in the classroom because there are at least 8 reading groups. It's hard to focus on a story if everyone talks.
Teachers and moms are helping with the reading groups. They call it tempo reading. Although I am in the 6th group the tempo is slow. Soo slow. Sometimes I nearly fall asleep. If that happens and I am asked to read a few sentences I don't know what is read the last. What I hear sounds different from what I read.
To be honest I wish I could read alone. Better and thicker books would be good too.
At the end of the reading time, children who still find it difficult to read are told to practice at home every day. I don't think they will. There aren't many children who love to read out of fun but I do. If I read a good story I forget about my own life, the world I live in.
Moms, parents in books are always kind and understanding. The dads have a job and go to work and the moms stay at home and care. They have supper at noon and the family eats together. They pray but never tell the children they are not allowed to speak or they are ugly. At 3::30 pm the moms wait at home with tea. They listen to you and teach you things, help you. In real life parents are different. They are busy, hit you and in our family my mother works while my father is rarely home. We have a housekeeper, often another one and everything is super clean. My mother can not stand a dirty house. One bread crumb or dust will make her furious even if it's imaginary if no one except her can see it.

It's leftovers-day and I could choose what I liked to eat. I took the white beans in tomato sauce. I love beans especially out of the oven.

Friday
August 27, 2021


After I did the house chores I was just in time to catch the bus. It's hiking on Saturdays again. I think my skirt is too small. I don't like miniskirts. It's cold plus it shows your underwear. Just like with gymnastics I look like an idiot. My underpants are the problem. I need new ones better ones but my mother never buys them. What is torn has to be repaired which is done on Fridays. If the pants are really bad and fall of it's for the night. I don't like to be strangled by underpants if I turn around in bed. If I go to the bathroom I need to hold it. I don't think my mother wears clothes like that. No patches or second-hand clothes for her. She buys at boutiques and always looks fancy while I am dressed in a potato bag. If clothes make you look better why doesn't she buy them for me? She could hide my ugliness with it, right?

Dad bought french fries. We do not eat them frequently. It's a long drive to the cafetaria which is right next to a tunnel. The people there are loud and they scare me. They are different from us, look different and behave differently.

Saturday
August 28, 2021

A kid's diary

You are fat
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/you-are-fat-8408c536

Back to school
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/back-to-school-ba3914a0

Tomorrow everything is back to normal
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/tomorrow-everything-is-back-to-normal-a9972602

Upstairs
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/upstairs-aa430abf

#kittywu #diary #childhood #childabuse