It's my mother's birthday. Good enough to skip church for my parents and Sunday school for me. My mother expects breakfast on the bed in exactly the way she orders it.
No one brought me breakfast on my birthday. The orange juice, egg, bread and toast are all there. I picked some flowers and made the tea.
She acts like a queen, is the queen and we all should jump if she looks at us. Dad decorated the living room and bought her a huge bunch of red roses. I am not sure if there are as many as her age perhaps there are even more. The roses are dark red and it hurts if you touch them. Dark like blood and pain like my mother causes people. The perfect flower for her. I will never buy red roses. Not for her, me or anyone else.
We had coffee with pie and the visitors came and left. I tried to stay out of her way because she hates it if other people get attention. The family is used to it. They wait till she finally climbs down the stairs, welcome them and say they can enter the living room. She sits at her throne while my father serves the visitors. After the coffee and cake he serves drinks and there are snacks. Different types of nuts, cheese, and what adults like to eat.
My mother has one sister and her mother. It's a small family. My grandmother and auntie didn't come to visit her but they called. My mother's voice sounded as cold as ice. She doesn't care about them, doesn't like them but I'm sure she will be mad and scream if they will not call her.
My father has more siblings and they all come to visit us except granny and uncle John. John isn't the only one who hates her but the others try to be polite. Not that my mother is polite. She humiliates them just like she does with dad and me. Dad still defends her and never tells her to bite her tongue and try to be more friendly for at least one hour or two. All family lives far away from us.
I watched them leave and I think they felt relieved. I would feel the same if I could leave. I will if I find a way out of here. For now, I feel happy dad sent me upstairs and told me to go to bed.
I still hear voices but at least she isn't screaming. I hope she had a great birthday and she likes all her gifts. Those on her wishlist and the extra ones.
Sunday
September 12, 2021
She wasn't around as I woke up. I overslept. It was 6 a.m. instead of 5:30 a.m. I quickly got dressed made my bed and placed all the smaller furniture on the bed. Everything is clean, it's always clean but I wiped dust. The dust I can't see but my mother notices everywhere. The dust that kills me at least that's what she wants me to believe. She does all the cleaning for me, to keep me healthy. I check the room, open the window and leave it quickly. I'm always afraid to bump into her. She sneaks up on me, follows me or hides to check me out. Clean is only clean if I follow her rules, her protocols and spent enough time doing the house chores.
It's difficult to go downstairs without making a noise. I feel my heartbeat in my chest...it hurts.
I quickly put the kettle on and set the table for breakfast and put all shoes in a line in the hallway so I can polish them. Polishing shoes is my task too. Even the shoes she didn't wear I need to polish. Can she really tell the difference? Quickly I rub in all the black shoes, next to the brown ones. There's no time to wonder, ask me if there's a need to. I don't have the right or energy to argue with her. I haven't forgotten how she attacked me not that long ago. Well, polished shoes are only good if her mood is. It all depends on her mood if someone made her angry. I try not to feel the high heels of her shoes hammering on my head again. Carefully my finger feels at the spot underneath my hair. It's still painful but the pain doesn't exist if no one can see it. I hide the pain, bruises and if I can not I am that clumsy child, the crazy stubborn kid with the crinkle in her brain or... I am sick. No one will ever believe me.
Monday
September 13, 2021
Is Thor the god of the thunder and a rainmaker? At school, the teacher didn't tell who makes the rain, sends the dark clouds. I think Eeyore can make rain. At times there's a cloud above his head. It follows him wherever he goes. If you can make a cloud it must be possible to make it rain. I don't like rain. Water hurts my skin it feels as if the rain eats it.
There's thunder and lightning outside. If I sit on my knees on my bed I can look through the window. I'm not afraid of thunder or lightning. Perhaps Thor uses his sword and is in a fight up in the air, he's fighting for his right. Not many people fight for their rights. They believe others will save them. They hope God does but they do not fear or thank the gods. I think that's weird. The teacher says you have to fight for your right, yourself. I like to listen to the old stories of how people lived back then, what they thought. It makes more sense, somehow it does.
Did it rain at the time the wind blew the roof of the garages and shed right into our garden? I remember I stood behind the window in the living. I remember the sky became dark and I was home alone but I can't remember if it rained at that time. I only remember the wind and my parents arriving home after it happened with the roof.
Tuesday
September 14, 2021
A kid's diary
Me being born made her hate me
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/me-being-born-made-her-hate-me-4fc5b9cd
They scare me
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/they-scare-me-79c5a932
You are fat
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/you-are-fat-8408c536
Back to school
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/back-to-school-ba3914a0
Tomorrow everything is back to normal
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/tomorrow-everything-is-back-to-normal-a9972602
When a mother has her birthday, everything must be done for her. All care and detail is little. My mom's birthday tomorrow. So I'm pampering her from now on. It all deserves it. She gave me life and deserves to be cared for now that she no longer has the same strength. It's up to us now to take care of her.