Me being born made her hate me

I went out with the hiking club again. At the time I arrived at the bus I felt exhausted. Waking up early is hard, next to cleaning the house. Everything needs to be finished before I leave. I feel like the girl in the tale, the one who slept on the ground next to the fireplace into the ash. The ash cleanser. She must have been tired too perhaps not too tired if she could smile, sing and be quick. Perhaps she was not and that part was lied to make her look better than she was? Ash irritates the eyes and lungs. It makes you cough. Cinderella didn't cough, smell, look dirty. Isn't that strange? If you live a life like her or me you get tired, get dirty. Your body has bruises and everything hurts. If you clean that much with water and soap your skin shows it. You don't have nice hands or nails. You are wounded. I don't think her godmother made her look better because she met her for the first time as she wanted to go to the party.
I always wondered why her dad left. What if he planned to leave his daughter behind? Anyway, her life isn't worse than mine. I have two fighting parents. Parents who don't care about me. I am in their way, the reason for their miserable life, my mother's anger and hate know no boundaries. She could be a guard in a concentration camp. She's cruel and enjoys beating up people, molesting them, children included. She lies at one piece and those who don't know her well will not notice it. They always believe her. They say she is charming. I have no clue what that is, in which way she is and do not understand how people can be so blind. Her face is not friendly, her eyes are not, her voice is like hissing and she smells.
Perhaps Cinderella her stepmother wasn't her stepmother but her real mother? If she slept next to the fireplace it cannot have been for a long time.
I tried not to vomit on the bus. Some people can read in it I can't. I have no friends here. I think I am the only one in my class or school? It's not important to make friends. We are drilled, walk as a group in three rows. We march like soldiers for 5 kilometres while wearing the same outfit. Only our shoes look different.
My new place is in the first row in the middle. I walk too fast the leader says and that's why she made me carry the flag of our hiking club. She gave me a white belt over my shoulders and the stick of the flag fits into it. The rest of the flag I need to hold with two hands at a certain angle. It feels like children labour to me. I wasn't asked if I want to or like to try it. No one cares about how I feel. I am already tired if I arrive at the bus, next to a drive that makes me sick and after that, a march of 5 kilometres with a flag and even singing once the left, right, left, right, left, right is hammered into our heads. Left, right, left, right... I march through the world, through life, try to survive but there's no fun in it. This is not my hobby, not good for me. Left, right, left, right... I carry the flag, my eyes are infected, my arms and feet hurt and am no longer searching for the jury hiding somewhere. Old men spying at us. I never heard our club won and can't say I care. I am just one of those ants doing as requested. A child without a will, right, free choice and a godmother. Cinderella's life was easier. She was no broken soul. Someone popped up as she cried while no one will if I do. Auntie hardly visits us. She has a man now and my mother can't stand it. Envy, hate doesn't make the world a better place. If people hate you and fight you it's better to stay away.
I have another medal. At 5 p.m. the bus left. Time to go back. I tried to sleep. It's the only thing I can do to fight sickness. I wish my neck wouldn't hurt so much.

Saturday
September 4, 2021


We went to visit grandmother. Long drive by car. We had dinner there and auntie came too with her boyfriend. They will get married. My mother became angry, my grandmother didn't look happy. The corners of her mouth were downwards but my new uncle looks friendly. He's tall, blond and the opposite of my dad. Usually, auntie cries if my mother starts a fight. This time she did not. I hope she can escape out of the tentacles of my mother, the poisoned web we all live in. If you are an adult you should not fear your parents or siblings. You are grown up and should do what is good for you. Some families are sick. They enjoy breaking you. It's better to build a new life far away, out of their reach. Auntie is a teacher. You should think only smart people can become one, people with knowledge, self-esteem, good people with common sense. Auntie is a wreck, a person too scared to live, start living alone. Not that she's alone. She has friends and now she even gets married.
After dinner, we left and that was my Sunday. A day filled with cleaning, Sunday school and fights.

Sunday
September 5, 2021


Let's say it was a day like every other day. Kind of nice at school because of the teacher. Fearing because of the headmaster, bullies and my mother. It's better if she isn't home when I am but it's never relaxed, without fear. Each minute at home I need to pay attention. I live in silence so I can hear her footsteps, voice, her car arrive in the street where we live. The dumb thing is even if I cannot prepare for the worst. There's no way I can defend myself against her violence, no place to hide forever. Her madness and anger will never be gone. She can act kindly but as soon as she feels you fall for it she changes. I saw her face change into the evil one she is from one second to the next. It's not safe in one house with her. No one is safe.

Monday
September 6, 2021


Not much to tell about today. I had red cabbage for dinner. It looked colourless and was tasteless. I don't like it. The housekeeper cooked. Cabbage hurts my belly. It's swollen and painful and I can not go to the toilet for days. I think it's over a week now. I feel stuffed.

Tuesday
September 7, 2021


There's a birthday party today and I am not invited. It's because I did not invite that girl for my birthday. All children in the class talk about it. The girl brought sticks with cheese, meat and onions. They were stuck into something and it looked like a hedgehog so cute. She chose two children to get along with and visit the other teachers to give them a treat.
In the afternoon I watched the telly. My mother wasn't home and the housekeeper said it was fine.

Wednesday
September 8, 2021


Today it is my birthday. I am not sure if my parents will celebrate it with me. I had to wake up at 6 a.m. and do the house chores. My mother didn't congratulate me just told me to take the white Tupperware box with me to school to treat the children and teachers. I thanked her and was just right in time at school.
I asked Ellen and Wilma to come along with me both are kind. I don't like to visit the other teachers, knock on doors and if everyone looks at me.
Back home there was a cake. Mocha pie... I don't like it but my mother does which counts most. I blew the candles and didn't know what to wish for. Each year it's the same I never know what to wish for. It's like that tale about the golden fish and the three wishes or the one of that king who wished everything he touched changed into gold. All stupid wishes and those who wished ended up empty-handed or more miserable. If you don't know the consequences of your wish it's better to let it be. So I didn't make a wish although I thought about what I could have wished for.

I was born on a Thursday. Dad said it was a beautiful day and the sun shone. My mother said it was a bad day and she thought she had the stomach flu or diarrhoea. Me being born too early made her angry, hate me. So did all the crying, refusing to eat and the fact I spoiled her birthday. It's not her birthday yet but soon it is.

Thursday
September 9, 2021


No one at school asked if I will have a birthday party. I am glad the children didn't. I know they gossip about me. I see how they look. It hurts but I cannot change the way they see me. If they leave me alone I can survive the day, find a way to go on.
In the afternoon we had the reading groups again. I love reading and wish I could read alone.

Friday
September 10, 2021


Another day with the hiking club. Dad told me tomorrow it's my mother's birthday and he will take care of the presents. It's a relief. I hate shopping, my mother's wishlist is endless and she'll be angry if you don't buy everything plus some extras. He said tomorrow afternoon people are invited. I don't know who and hope I don't need to see all those aunts, uncles, shake hands and give kisses. I nodded and ran to school to catch the bus. I wondered what happens if I missed it. Could I go back home? There's no place to hide. It rained the whole day. Worse than bus rides and hiking is pouring rain, feeling cold and wet an entire day.

It's Saturday so dinner was canned tomato soup and bread. I had one slice with cheese and one with chocolate sprinkles. Dad asked me to make it for us so no honey. What a relief. On Saturdays, we do not dine at the dining table but sit in the first living room. A plate with bread on the lap and a plate with soup on the coffee table.

Saturday
September 11, 2021

A kid's diary

They scare me
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/they-scare-me-79c5a932

You are fat
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/you-are-fat-8408c536

Back to school
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/back-to-school-ba3914a0

Tomorrow everything is back to normal
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/tomorrow-everything-is-back-to-normal-a9972602

#kittywu #diary #childhood #childabuse