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Tomorrow everything is back to normal

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Avatar for wakeupkitty
Written by   747
3 months ago
Topics: Writing, 2021, Life, Childhood, Childabuse, ...

Grandmother is angry with me. She says I have to eat everything she gives me. I will never grow if I refuse to eat. I can't eat. The food is too much. First soup, next potatoes, vegetables and meat and after that yoghurt. I wish I could eat as much as other people do but I can't. I can not go to the bathroom either. My belly hurts but I cannot poop. Grandmother says if I walk all stairs up and down I can go. I ran all stairs there are over 140 steps, I did it four times but it's useless. I cried but she looks angry. If she's angry she looks like my mother. The same eyes and same mouth.
She left the table and told me to finish my plate. I did not. I watched the gravy get cold and white...
Much later she came back and took my plate away.
"You will finish this before you get other food", she said. She put my plate on the shelf in the cellar. The shelf is high and I can't reach it. In the evening she placed it in front of me. It looked strange and I didn't eat it.
No food for me. She sent me upstairs and I was happy to lay down. If my belly hurts my back hurts too. She didn't come upstairs to ask if I said my prayers or to say goodnight.
Grandmother never hugs me or reads me a story.

August 3, 2021

I stayed inside since I was sent to grandmother. This morning was the first time she took me outside. We went to the marketplace by bike. Grandmother has a black bike and I sat behind her with my feet in the big shopping bags.
I don't like marketplaces and know no one where grandmother lives. I have lived here too as I went to the first class of kindergarten but I only remember where the school is and our old house. It was an apartment not a big villa like grandmother lives in.

August 4, 2021

I helped grandmother with the beans. They are big and green and have to be cut into pieces. I like beans but not these beans. She calls them string beans. They feel like razor blades inside my throat. We sat outside in the garden and cleaned them. After that, I could push the beans through a mill and they came out in small pieces. Grandmother will save them in jars. Downstairs in the cellar are hundreds of jars, she calls them preserving jars. I never saw that many. Most of them are empty. She's alone so she doesn't need so much food.
She said I could sit in the washbasin with water if I like. It isn't big but the water is always cold and I don't like cold water. She already placed it outside. Perhaps the sun can make it warm but that takes long. I don't want to sit in it but I did it because she thinks I like it. I don't think water is fun. It makes my skin itchy. The only water I like is a bathtub with warm water but not if other people are around.

August 5, 2021

Grandmother gave me a doll. It looks a bit like beer but the doll is soft. It's is hand-knitted and I like it. I don't like the vest she made. It's itchy and too small. It feels stiff and as if it chokes me. The hand gloves are bad too always too thin. I can feel the wind through it. They are never warm.
I tried to knit again too. She saved what I started the last time I visited her in the black cabinet. The cabinet with a painting of Jesus at the cross. The painting and frame are black only Jesus is not. I think it is a nice painting but I don't know who made it. I don't like Jesus but still like to look at it. Grandpa bought it just like all the furniture, the piano, books and the animals. All things grandmother doesn't like.

Tomorrow dad will pick me up. Grandmother told me before I went to bed. She said my parents went on vacation and are back now. She showed me a postcard they sent. I looked at the pictures printed on it. The postman brought it today.

August 6, 2021

I waited the whole day till dad came. How come my parents are always late? It was late at night as both came and I felt sleepy and dizzy. My grandmother said nothing but she looked angry. If she is angry her mouth looks like a small line. I hoped my dad would be alone. If my mother is around he's different, many times mean to me.

"There you are. I hope you behaved", she said while she pinched in my upper arm.
I didn't know what to answer. Is not finishing the food given bad behaviour? Grandmother gave me the same plate with cold dinner for two more days before she gave up. I saw how she looked at my belly.
My mother didn't wait for an answer because she followed grandmother to the kitchen. I heard how she complained while grandmother whipped the milk on the stove.

Dad carried me inside and took me to bed. I felt too tired and dizzy to wake up. I heard how he placed the suitcase in my room.
"Goodnight", he said. I couldn't say anything back or kiss him goodnight. The last thing I thought was I don't want to be at home.

August 7, 2021

My mother woke me up at 5:30 a.m. It's Sunday and I had to clean the house before we went to church. Sunday school is still closed.
Back home I unpacked my suitcase and my mother told me she would wash all my clothes. They are not dirty grandmother washed them but she doesn't want bacilli in her house, that's what she said.
This is the first Sunday we do the laundry. She says it's because of me. Because I stayed at grandmother's house and tomorrow she needs to work and I go back to school again.

At 7 p.m. I was sent to bed. It's not dark outside. I see the light through the orange curtains.
Tomorrow everything is back to normal again. I fear tomorrow, back to normal most of all.

August 8, 2021

A kid's diary


I kill you

Message in a bottle

That terrible voice

#kittywu #diary #childhood #childabuse

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Avatar for wakeupkitty
Written by   747
3 months ago
Topics: Writing, 2021, Life, Childhood, Childabuse, ...
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