I kill you!

July 24, 2021, was the last time I wrote. A lot has happened but if I think back it's not worth writing about it. My Summer vacation is nearly over. It started with my stay at granny's house, I joined the gym camp with the bullies and if I think back I still feel miserable about the sugar water. I forgot to tell you about the cute stone man they gave me. The mascot of Advendo is a huge stone figure called Kuub. They said it became babies and we all got one for a present. I placed mine in front of the window in my bedroom.
Next, my mother tried to kill me as she became hysterical again. I do not remember much from it. I tried as they asked me what happened in hospital but all I remembered was that terrible voice and the cupboard covering me. There was a police officer and a lady from CPS asking me how or what. The nurse asked and next to the doctor but I said nothing. I am not allowed to tell strangers about my mother. My mother told me to keep my mouth shut. She knew these people would ask me. "If you dare to tell anything to anyone I kill you!", she hissed at me as she bent over me and right after that she smiled at the doctor who entered the room and he smiled back.

Am I the only one who sees how fast her face chances? One moment she is angry and yells and spits at me the next second she is friendly. It confused me. Sometimes I believe she regrets what she did but as soon as I believe her she attacks me. I see how she enjoys hurting me but what I don't understand is why she didn't get rid of me. I know she didn't want me so why keep me?

She didn't visit me frequently as I stayed in hospital but I didn't mind. The other children have visitors and toys and cards I don't. Their parents are friendly and mine is not. I don't like it when I feel sick or am in pain and people watch me or poke in me. I like it most if I am alone, away from home. If my mother acts weird it is better if she does that at home and not in the hospital, not if she stands next to my bed and everyone can see it.
I saw dad twice. Once he visited me and once I saw him with a group of others. They were all wearing white coats like doctors and following a doctor. I asked the nurse who brought me in a wheelchair for some tests. I didn't tell her my dad is one of them, one of what she told were students. So my dad is a student in the hospital? Did he tell anyone I am here? Why I am here? It's a very big hospital more like a factory perhaps no one knows he is my dad. Perhaps no one knows what my mother did and no one knows she is dangerous and mad.
I think I stayed at the same hospital as grandpa. He died but I am still alive.

The nurse told me I could go home and later the doctor said the same. No one told me how to get home. It was dad who picked me up and drove me to grandmother's home. He didn't say much just that I had to stay with her for the rest of the school vacation. It was a long drive and I mainly slept while I was strapped with a belt to the backseat. It made me feel sick. At grandmother's house, he lifted the big brown suitcase out of the car and put it into the bedroom. This time I had to stay in the bedroom that once was my mother's. The big bear filled with seagrass was sitting on the couch and stared at me. Did my mother abandon him like me? He's nearly as tall as I am. I'm not sure if he's hand-knit. Perhaps he is and grandmother made him for her. She knits well and very fast. His eyes scare me though. I held him for a while but it's not a bear who likes to cuddle. He feels hard and stiff and I think he doesn't like to be touched.

"You stay here", dad said, "you can go to bed it was a long day",
I'm not sure if it was a long day, longer than other days. It's not dark outside and he didn't give me any food. The hospital gave me breakfast. Two slices of bread wrapped in plastic. Two slices of what they call cheese were in plastic packed too. They felt warm and soft smelled like sweat. I like cheese but not this one it should be called and shouldn't smell bad. I didn't eat it.
The room is large and not as white and warm as in hospital. I like the silence and go to bed. I haven't seen grandmother yet but that doesn't matter. "Perhaps it's safer here than at home", I tell bear. He looks at me and I think he understands but he looks lonely. I slip out of bed and lay the bear on the couch. "I won't hurt you, you can sleep now bear." He looks at me and I hope he understands me. If someone always hurts you you have to be careful and watch your steps. It's long ago she hurt bear and he still knows it after all these years. I think he was happy alone in this room and now I am here and the danger is back.
I turn to my left side and ignore the pain. Bruises will heal, it will all heal one day but not what she said to me. "I kill you," she said and I know she will. It wasn't the first time she tried to kill me. Did she kill the baby in the jar too?

Saturday
July 31, 2021


It's dark when I wake up. For a moment I wonder where I am. It's quiet and I need to go to the bathroom. There are two. One is downstairs. Two long stairs and through the cold hallway. The other one is at the end of the hallway and a few stairs away. My grandpa made that one and I don't think it's used much. I will use it and after that, I go back to bed. Perhaps grandmother will come and to see me later. Usually, she does not. She always wakes up early and is in the kitchen if I wake up. Back in my room, I hesitate. It's still dark outside.
"We have to stay here longer bear," I say while I look at bear. His eyes are wide open but he doesn't look at me. I understand he is afraid.
"I can hide you in the closet if you like." I lift bear off the couch and carry him to the closet. He's heavy but I have to help him. On the bottom of the closet, I make his bed. There's room for both of us but bear isn't used to me. "I'll leave the door a bit open for you. It's safe here, it's a good closet."
I think bear is happy. He can sleep now. I go back to bed.
If I wake up again the sun shines and I hear the church bells. It's Sunday people go to church. The suitcase dad carried upstairs is opened. I wonder who packed it. There isn't much in it. I brush my teeth and get dressed. Grandmother will be downstairs and I hope she gives me tea and something to eat. She will not go to church.

Grandmother is in the living. She listens to the radio and has a pot of tea. She gives me a slice of bread with butter and brown sugar and one with cheese. She doesn't tell me to pray and doesn't look at me. She lets me do what I like and I can watch television. No one visits her. She acts as if nothing has happened but avoids looking at me. She will once she is used to me. Me and my bruises, bandages and ugly face. Me the child no one wants to have around.

Sunday
August 1, 2021

A kid's diary

Message in a bottle

That terrible voice

Gym camp with bullies

It's all about lives I never live

#kittywu #diary #childhood #childabuse