Some peace

Last night was a loud banging at the door. A bag with presents was at the front door but no Saint or Piet. My mother made hot chocolate and we all unwrapped our presents. I had two books, a game, and some new clothes.

Today I had to get out of bed at 6 .m. again. My mother doesn't allow me to sleep longer. It's30 minutes longer as on Monday's and Friday's but I feel so tired. My body feels tired and I have a hard time thinking. If I drop something my mother calls me clumsy. I stumbled over the bucket with cleaning water. She kept scolding me and hitting me where she could while I put towels on the wet carpet to try to get the water out of it. She hits me and hits me while I stamp at the towels. My father doesn't respond. He never says anything. He's cleaning the bathroom, sings and if he finished it he goes downstairs to clean the kitchen.

Saturday
December 6, 2020


Sunday, the same boring day. I am only allowed to visit Sunday school if I cover myself. I am not sure if my parents visited the church. They are home if I come back home. I listened to a story, a Bible story, but I cannot focus. I don't like to go back home and I do not want to pray. God never listens to me. If someone doesn't listen he doesn't exist. No one ever saw good. He is made up for those who have no one to turn to. Some people need something to believe in, my mother needs to get rid of me, and I want to die. If I am dead all problems are solved. No pain, no eczema, no one who scolds at and hit me, tells me everything is my mistake.
Sunday is a bad day. The day of rest doesn't mean no one beats you up. It just means you are not allowed to do anything.
My dad reads the paper and I sit there do nothing. I do not want to eat. The food makes me sick.

Sunday
December 7, 2020


I don't feel too well. I listened to what the children in my class tell, how they spent the Saint Nicholas evening, the presents they received. Hans-Paul says nothing. He lives with his dad. I don't know if he likes that. A mother is not always great. Mine is not and my mother said her mother was never kind to her. I am not sure if that is true. I only hear my mother scold at her mother. If my granny says something my mother tells us to get our coats or pack our bags and we leave. If we leave my granny starts begging "please, don't go". I would be happy if my mother left and wouldn't return. The piece, I want peace.

Monday
December 8, 2020


I have a geese game. It looks nice. I like geese because my granddad had geese. I am not sure if they are still around. My grandmother doesn't like animals. Sometimes, at Christmas, we eat goose. My granny uses the eggs to bake a cake.

Tuesday
December 9, 2020


It's Wednesday. I only had school till noon. After that, I had to help my mother at home. I didn't watch television and she sent me to my room because she didn't want to see my face any longer. She says I have an ugly face and look exactly like my dad. I wonder how that can be. My dad is a boy and shaves his head. I am a girl and my hair is long. My mother is a mean person just like the mean girl in my class she pulls your hair and scratches with her nails. I don't understand why girls do such a thing. I never do it but I have no nails. My father cuts them very short. A part of the nail is white I have nothing. It hurts if they are that short.

Wednesday
December 10, 2020


We practiced Christmas carols at school. Some children join the school's orchestra and some sing in a chorus. I don't know when they practice. At home, it isn't Christmas yet. My mother will tell me when it's time to decorate the tree. We always have a huge, real one. At school, there aren't trees yet but they will come. One in the hallway and a huge one in the auditorium which is my class.

In the afternoon I went to gymnastics. It's always the same. I learn nothing, it's cold, the dressing rooms stink and I look like an idiot. My pants always pop out of the stupid suit.

Thursday
December 11, 2020


My mother was vacuuming as I came back home at noon for dinner and she still was at 3:30 p.m. She wasn't singing but scolding and crying and mad at me. How can it take her so long to vacuum a room? I don't know where the girl is. Shouldn't she do that work? We didn't drink tea but I had a cookie and tried to stay out of her way. I sat with the dogs outside. Later she told me to brush them. I have to brush till not a single hair sticks in the brush. Is that possible at all? I think their hair always falls off it never stops. Monty and Soot are both big dogs.

The girl left to her sister. It's not for the weekend only. She will not come back. I guess she found a new home. A place where she can sit without hiding and has some peace.

Friday
December 12, 2020

A kid's diary

Wishlist...

Sunday blues

The Saint

I think...

#kittywu #diary #childhood