Today it is...
It is October 20! I woke up. My head hurts. My ear hurts. My eyes are swollen. My throat hurts. I am not tied to the bed. It's grey outside. I feel the cold. Did it freeze? I tried to sit on my knees on the bed. I feel dizzy. I don't feel so good. I see mist outside and the streetlight is on. It's grey.
I woke up felt the pain. I hurt my mother scream at me again. I did all she wanted I did not refuse. I tried to be polite and attentive. She waited for me behind the door. She hit me by surprise. I didn't do anything wrong. She yelled, cursed, scolded me and kept beating me with the whip. She hit me with everything she could find.
I saw them looking, the neighbours, other kids. She yelled I am a thief and stole all her money. She held her wallet in her hand swung it in front of me. "You stole my money. You've always been a thief! I know you are."
I said I didn't take her money. I didn't come into her room as she was asleep. She should know I don't. I hate to be in her room. It stinks and it's dangerous. I didn't take the money. I did not! She kept yelling was furious again because of me. She always says it's because of me. I saw how people watched me. Now everyone thinks I am a thief. I asked her to give me the wallet. I needed to see if it was true. Was the money gone? She said there was no need for me to have a look. She yelled she had checked it at least ten times. She said the housekeeper already did so. The money was gone and I stole it.
It went on and on and on.
The housekeeper stood behind her. She didn't say a word, didn't help me. She didn't tell my mother to stop. She didn't close the door. Did she enjoy my mother molesting me?
Next, I had the wallet. I slowly opened it. There it was. The lost money. It wasn't stolen. No one took it.
"Here it is," I said and showed her the money. She grabbed the wallet out of my hands turned around and left.
She left me with empty hands, a broken body and didn't care. She didn't say sorry. She didn't say: I'm glad it isn't lost. She didn't care about me, my feelings, what people think about me. What will people think? They think she is right. Adults are always right. Children always lie. I lie, I'm a thief and have that crinkle. A crinkle in my head, that's what she says about me. Crinkles are sick minds. She wants me to die or wants me to be locked in a nuthouse.
Can be I am crazy but I never scream, yell, scold. I do not see heaps of dirt and sand. I do not count how many times I wipe the same spot with the dustcloth. I do not walk the hallway up and down for hours and say: I am nuts, nuts, nuts, you drive me crazy, crazy, crazy.
I remember it all. I remember it very well. It all came back the minute I woke up. I don't understand why she hates me. I don't understand what I did wrong. I did not ask to be born. I did not ask to live in a world with people who hate me. I can't forget. The memory is back. Memories will never disappear. Not memories of a bad life. My life. It won't get any better. I will not ever feel better. They say writing helps but I don't think so. Not if writing is dangerous. Not if she reads it.
I waited in bed longer. The alarm clock stood still. You have to rewind it each day to know the time. There's a clock downstairs in the living. I can look around the corner and see what time it is. Perhaps when the clock strikes I know what time it is.
I took my alarm clock with me and opened the door of my bedroom. I have to be silent. I don't know the day or time. The stairs are long, the house is cold. I see the newspaper on the floor. This means it isn't Sunday. Quickly I turn it around. I read the day. I read the date. I keep repeating it. Wednesday, October 20, 2021, Wednesday, October 20, 2021... Do I sound like my mother? I'm scared and I need to pee. I hurry to the toilet downstairs. It's at the end of the hallway before the kitchen. I hesitate. It can't be late. There's not a single sound. I wait and wait, too afraid to flush the toilet. Scared to leave the privy. If I don't flush my mother will be mad with me. I flush and ran out to the kitchen. The dogs are inside. It's quiet. I feel thirsty. The table is set for breakfast. It looks as if nothing happened. The clock in the pocket of my bathrobe cannot tell the time. Did time stand still while I was away? I hesitate. I'm thirsty. I drink water from the tap and eat some cheese. She will notice it but I can't help. I need to eat. I wait if I hear something. What time is it? It's Wednesday, October 20, 2021. The living room door squeaks. I will not walk over the carpet. I won't leave footprints. The clock is ticking. If it's true it's nearly 3 o'clock. Three in the morn. I hurry back upstairs, back to bed. Three more hours and the day starts. I set the clock while I'm shivering in bed. Why is it so cold?
Wednesday
October 20, 2021
Yesterday at 10 my mother told me to get out of bed. I had to take a bath and go downstairs. The kitchen was warm and I had my breakfast. She didn't say a word about the cheese. At noon we had lunch and I could watch the telly. She didn't speak to me. After supper she said I go back to school tomorrow.
So today was my first day at school. I gave her a letter to the teacher. No one asked where I was. I don't think I missed anything. Not at school not at the gym.
Thursday
October 21, 2021
It's Friday. At school, we first read in groups. It's with the entire school. After school, it was practising for the orchestra and choir. I can not play an instrument. I wish I could but I can't. We practice for Christmas, not for Saint Nicholas. These songs we do with our class. Christmas is a celebration with the parents. Nine weeks till Christmas. Six weeks till Saint Nicholas. Nine times or eight times to practice. Oh no, fewer because there will be Autumn vacation. The school will be closed.
So I was sick for how long? My mother always sends me back to school before school closes.
Friday
October 22, 2021
Dad is home. Everything is back to normal. Out of bed at 6, making the beds, polishing shoes, setting the table and cleaning the house. Dad sings and my mother complains. I wish someone will call and she leaves. No hiking club today. She said next week. The hiking club already has a vacation.
I don't like vacations if it means I have to stay home. The housekeeper will stay home too. I try to stay close to dad and hope she forgets me.
Tomato soup and bread for dinner. On Saturdays, we only eat twice. Bread for breakfast and soup with bread for dinner and a pastry or cake at coffee time. My mother orders a lot of pastries, cookies, cakes and chocolate at the confectioner. Most of them she eats. After eating, she sticks her finger in her throat and vomits on the toilet. I don't like the sound of it.
Saturday
October 23, 2021
Sunday day of rest? No, out of bed early, serving my mother and dad breakfast on bed. I got permission to switch the central heating on. I cleaned and went to Sunday school.
It's cold outside and I don't like to wear skirts. The skirts are short and cold. I wish I could wear long ones like when grandmother was a child.
I feel itchy again. I try not to scratch but I can't stop. My skin hurts. My mouth, eyes and face too.
I don't like to sit with my parents in the living. Dad reads the paper and my mother is always busy. Busy cleaning, at the telephone, her looks, complaining or with her schedules. Schedules about work. House chorus and so. She writes in the notebook for the housekeeper again the one she keeps it in the kitchen drawer.
If my parents would go on a holiday I could stay with granny... or grandmother. I haven't seen them for longer. Auntie will get married so I can never stay with her again. I have another aunt. Dad's sister. I never stayed with her. My mother hates her.
Sunday
October 24, 2021
A kid's diary
Promises
I am a burden
Trapped
Thor fights back
Me being born made her hate me
Oh my, I feel so bad about that. I hope you heal soon