I could but... I didn't

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3 years ago

The inability to achieve goals, to maintain an emotional connection, to be a favorite in society… all these failures create disappointment which is the trigger for many new problems. In order to accept our own incompetence, it is easiest to blame something or someone or a situation in which we did not react properly at the right moment. Someone else prevented us from fulfilling our dreams or if there was no tire defect on the car, I would have arrived on the plane in a better tomorrow. Is that OK?


This feeling occurs when people, dissatisfied with their choice and missed opportunity, realize that it is too late to do something different, although it is usually an idealized fantasy of a much better life. 

Most people, when they look back and look at their lives, at the decisions they made at certain moments, they can find something that makes them feel sorry for doing it now or for not doing something else.

Life is often presented as a path, and on that path, from time to time, "crossroads" appear when a person has to make a decision on which side to go. When, after a while, someone realizes that he is dissatisfied with his choice, then he can regret that he did not decide otherwise - that he missed the opportunity. Sometimes it is possible to change the decision and go the other way, but most often it is not possible for various reasons or it is "late". Then a person has more or less regret for what he missed.


They could, but they didn't.


What do people regret? Some regret that they chose a profession that provided faster employment and a better salary, and not the profession they felt a passion for. Some regret marrying the "wrong" partner. Some regret that they did not opt ​​for exciting employment abroad, but remained in the zone of the known and safe. People are different, so their regrets are different.

In theory, there are two types of regrets: in relation to what someone has done and in relation to what someone has not done. Research shows that many more people regret what they did not do, and they could. It is a pity for a missed opportunity.


When someone regrets a missed opportunity, he declares: If I had chosen the other, my life would have looked much different. At the same time, they assume that such a life would be better, of better quality, more meaningful, more satisfied. Life would certainly be different, but there is no evidence that it would really be better. People are not clairvoyant and that is why they simply cannot know how their lives would really have turned out if they had taken a different path. That is why their regret for what they missed is based on an idealized fantasy about a much better life than the life they live, which they are dissatisfied with.

In the depth of the feeling of regret for what was missed, there is a kind of anger towards oneself or others because the person made a "wrong" decision at some point in the past. Anger is a demand for change, and a person who is angry at himself and his actions in the past wants the past to change, which is impossible. In addition, regret for the missed passivates the person. If she is dissatisfied with her present life, she should do something, either change it and direct it in a satisfactory direction, or accept it as such and stop regretting it.

In a completely different situation are people who are at the end of their lives, who are dying of some incurable disease and who therefore do not have time to change anything in front of them. What is interesting is that according to reports, these people regret not so much some specific decisions, but regret that they did not live differently - that they did not have a different way of life.

The world public's attention to this problem was attracted by the book by the Australian caregiver of terminal patients, Broni Ver, about five main reasons why people mourn on their deathbeds. The main regret is that they did not live their lives more authentically, doing what they really wanted, and not what they had to or what others expected from them. People are sorry that they worked too much in their lives, and had too little fun and socialized with friends and relatives, and were happier. They are also sorry that they were not braver in expressing their feelings. Later, lists appeared that included additional statements: the better I took care of myself; that I no longer lived in the present and cared less about the future; that I understood life as something that is taken for granted, etc.


I would repeat the same thing

All these messages from my deathbed can be a useful reminder to those who do not think that life is limited and that everyone has a responsibility to themselves how they will live and live it. For all those who want to change the unhealthy psychic mechanisms by which they live, and which are reduced to a system of "commandments" (to constantly work, to please others, etc.) or "prohibition" (not to express their feelings, not to enter in conflict with others, that one's own desires are not important, etc.) modern psychotherapy has a number of techniques that lead to liberation from these mechanisms.


The goal is not a "happy" life, but a life filled with meaning. Such people know how to explain their life decisions, and when asked: What would you change if you had a time machine, they answer with: Nothing, I would repeat the same thing.


The photos used in this article are taken from the site www.google.com

Source: Zoran Milivojević: Žal za propuštenim, Beograd ,2020; Broni Ver, Pet najvećih žaljenja, Novi Sad, 2013.





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3 years ago

Comments

People complain about different things. The greatest regret remains when we don’t tell someone we love them. If we miss such an opportunity, we can repent for the rest of our lives, and we do not have a new opportunity. That’s why it’s better not to be stubborn and express our feelings.

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3 years ago

If we are realistic and mature people, we will definitely not regret something we missed because if we could we would do it.

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3 years ago

in order not to regret in life for the wrong decisions we have made, you should first think carefully before making a decision, also when choosing a life partner you should be sure that this is the woman I want to spend life or not if you are not sure then it is better to leave the girl than when you are married and then you realize that it is not for you.Pozz Bobi

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3 years ago

in order not to regret in life for the wrong decisions we have made, you should first think carefully before making a decision, also when choosing a life partner you should be sure that this is the woman I want to spend life or not if you are not sure then it is better to leave the girl than when you are married and then you realize that it is not for you.Pozz Bobi

Even though I'm not Bobby, I figured out what you wanted to say... someone thinks, plans, devises tactics while others get into the story, so how will it be ... everyone has a choice of how to act in life...

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3 years ago

Definitely one remorse doesn’t die, either what you did or what you didn’t, but blaming others is pointless because every decision in life is your choice.

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3 years ago

Definitely one remorse doesn’t die, either what you did or what you didn’t, but blaming others is pointless because every decision in life is your choice.

it's that story ... remorse follows

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3 years ago

In life one should repent for things we have not done, not for those we have done.

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3 years ago

Only if we have not done some evil can we say that we will not regret something we have done. But if your future goals won’t hurt anyone close to you then it’s the right thing to do. Good luck

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3 years ago

There are many things we used to be able to do that we didn’t. For some we regret not doing so, and for some I am glad I did not do them differently.

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3 years ago

life changes from day to day and so do the challenges and our goals. If we react well at a given moment and use the chance, we may have a better life, but that is all a question. Many accept challenges because of adrenaline only and the feeling of a winner. and for some it is enough to have their peace

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3 years ago

I am one of those who just want peace :)

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3 years ago

You are the one who chooses peace, but you push your children and do not allow them to lag behind in their development. You have partially reached your goal, but I think you will still chase your chances ;)

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3 years ago

I always wonder if I'm doing the right thing, but it's always better to try, it's easy to give up on everything.

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3 years ago

if you are constantly wondering if you are doing the right thing, you have to change something. Either or just stop questioning and take action

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3 years ago

When I start or do something, then I wonder if I did the right thing. Maybe I better not. And if I didn't accept, I would ask myself the opposite. Although lately, I've been thinking, what will happen.

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3 years ago

When I start or do something, then I wonder if I did the right thing. Maybe I better not. And if I didn't accept, I would ask myself the opposite. Although lately, I've been thinking, what will happen.

Make a plan of your own. Imagine yourself in 5 years the way you would like it to be. And move towards fulfillment. And in order for wishes to come true, a lot needs to be done. Well, if it doesn't come true, you will still have enough fruits of your work to enjoy them. Good luck :)

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3 years ago

You will always regret more for 'what if', than for an 'oops'. Things that we could do, but we didi not will follow us long time, they will be there, near us, for a very long time. Thatis why we should not be doing that to ourselves. We should do what we want to do.

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3 years ago

There is only one important thing and that is to recognize that moment at the right time and not after half a century;) There is a solution to the whole problem. If you don't know how to recognize that moment, then you are a real small collection of mistakes and missed opportunities ... pppffffff

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3 years ago

Article with deep message. As you say: People are different, so their regrets are different. I always try to look forward.

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3 years ago

Article with deep message. As you say: People are different, so their regrets are different. I always try to look forward.

That's right, life is unpredictable and you never know when a new chance for betterment will appear

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3 years ago

Regret is the second most common emotion that people mention in their daily lives.Life is so short that even the second we devote to regret is wasted unnecessarilly.

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3 years ago

Regret is the second most common emotion that people mention in their daily lives.Life is so short that even the second we devote to regret is wasted unnecessarilly.

To put it bluntly. I packed the worries of that guy in a drawer for later when I had no obligations and when I was bored.

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3 years ago

It is never too late to do different things. Great article.

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3 years ago

It is never too late to do different things. Great article.

Yes, but it often happens that it is easier to cry for missed opportunities than to boldly get into a movie, no matter what.

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3 years ago

We all have a long list of things we wish we hadn’t done, but regretting some actions in the long run is less painful than remorse for not doing something. Repentance for missed opportunities leaves deeper “scars”.

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3 years ago

You work, you live as you can and what is there to think about now. And when I heard that I could but ... I go crazy. I think what you missed is God's pure will ... amen. God gives you to choose and that's what you chose, there is no going back ...

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3 years ago

I think in life we all make such choices which don't turn out to be in our favor yet we have to lived with it and accept it.

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3 years ago

Yes, that's the story. Everything else has nothing to do with life. live as you please. Sometimes more happiness and sometimes less and that’s all life.

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3 years ago

true

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3 years ago

I don't like to be guided by that logic, "what if" ... I look at life like this, to live the life that befell me, whether I like that kind of life or not. I will do my best to beautify it, and to be better.

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3 years ago

I don't like it either ... my father is a real collection of missed opportunities. The worst part is that he didn’t let me live for my goals. He always held me back. I push my children and state that if they don't try, they will never know if they will fulfill their goal.

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3 years ago