The inability to achieve goals, to maintain an emotional connection, to be a favorite in society… all these failures create disappointment which is the trigger for many new problems. In order to accept our own incompetence, it is easiest to blame something or someone or a situation in which we did not react properly at the right moment. Someone else prevented us from fulfilling our dreams or if there was no tire defect on the car, I would have arrived on the plane in a better tomorrow. Is that OK?
This feeling occurs when people, dissatisfied with their choice and missed opportunity, realize that it is too late to do something different, although it is usually an idealized fantasy of a much better life.
Most people, when they look back and look at their lives, at the decisions they made at certain moments, they can find something that makes them feel sorry for doing it now or for not doing something else.
Life is often presented as a path, and on that path, from time to time, "crossroads" appear when a person has to make a decision on which side to go. When, after a while, someone realizes that he is dissatisfied with his choice, then he can regret that he did not decide otherwise - that he missed the opportunity. Sometimes it is possible to change the decision and go the other way, but most often it is not possible for various reasons or it is "late". Then a person has more or less regret for what he missed.
They could, but they didn't.
What do people regret? Some regret that they chose a profession that provided faster employment and a better salary, and not the profession they felt a passion for. Some regret marrying the "wrong" partner. Some regret that they did not opt for exciting employment abroad, but remained in the zone of the known and safe. People are different, so their regrets are different.
In theory, there are two types of regrets: in relation to what someone has done and in relation to what someone has not done. Research shows that many more people regret what they did not do, and they could. It is a pity for a missed opportunity.
When someone regrets a missed opportunity, he declares: If I had chosen the other, my life would have looked much different. At the same time, they assume that such a life would be better, of better quality, more meaningful, more satisfied. Life would certainly be different, but there is no evidence that it would really be better. People are not clairvoyant and that is why they simply cannot know how their lives would really have turned out if they had taken a different path. That is why their regret for what they missed is based on an idealized fantasy about a much better life than the life they live, which they are dissatisfied with.
In the depth of the feeling of regret for what was missed, there is a kind of anger towards oneself or others because the person made a "wrong" decision at some point in the past. Anger is a demand for change, and a person who is angry at himself and his actions in the past wants the past to change, which is impossible. In addition, regret for the missed passivates the person. If she is dissatisfied with her present life, she should do something, either change it and direct it in a satisfactory direction, or accept it as such and stop regretting it.
In a completely different situation are people who are at the end of their lives, who are dying of some incurable disease and who therefore do not have time to change anything in front of them. What is interesting is that according to reports, these people regret not so much some specific decisions, but regret that they did not live differently - that they did not have a different way of life.
The world public's attention to this problem was attracted by the book by the Australian caregiver of terminal patients, Broni Ver, about five main reasons why people mourn on their deathbeds. The main regret is that they did not live their lives more authentically, doing what they really wanted, and not what they had to or what others expected from them. People are sorry that they worked too much in their lives, and had too little fun and socialized with friends and relatives, and were happier. They are also sorry that they were not braver in expressing their feelings. Later, lists appeared that included additional statements: the better I took care of myself; that I no longer lived in the present and cared less about the future; that I understood life as something that is taken for granted, etc.
I would repeat the same thing
All these messages from my deathbed can be a useful reminder to those who do not think that life is limited and that everyone has a responsibility to themselves how they will live and live it. For all those who want to change the unhealthy psychic mechanisms by which they live, and which are reduced to a system of "commandments" (to constantly work, to please others, etc.) or "prohibition" (not to express their feelings, not to enter in conflict with others, that one's own desires are not important, etc.) modern psychotherapy has a number of techniques that lead to liberation from these mechanisms.
The goal is not a "happy" life, but a life filled with meaning. Such people know how to explain their life decisions, and when asked: What would you change if you had a time machine, they answer with: Nothing, I would repeat the same thing.
The photos used in this article are taken from the site www.google.com
Source: Zoran Milivojević: Žal za propuštenim, Beograd ,2020; Broni Ver, Pet najvećih žaljenja, Novi Sad, 2013.
People complain about different things. The greatest regret remains when we don’t tell someone we love them. If we miss such an opportunity, we can repent for the rest of our lives, and we do not have a new opportunity. That’s why it’s better not to be stubborn and express our feelings.