In Love with a ghost.

Today I saw a short video on Instagram, and my heart filled with a wide range of emotions. It was from a man I haven't seen in twenty-two years and probably doesn't remember me by now, but, every time I see him I blush, I smile, I dream.

What does this mean? Is it possible to be in love with someone I don't know and who doesn't know me?

It troubles me for a number of reasons, and even though seeing him gives me all these wonderful feelings, I can't help to also think that I'm crazy for feeling this way, because what kind of a crazy person would have such strong emotions for someone she doesn't know?

I remember the first time I saw him.

He came to conduct our orchestra, I was 14 at the time (yes, I was a baby). He was a young conductor finishing his college degree and with a prominent future ahead of him. His implacable gaze and good manners made anyone sigh just by looking at him, and the way he took over the podium was worthy of great characters from novels by Jane Austen or any of the Brönte Sisters.

The guys didn't like him, and even though the girls melted at his sight, they didn't like him either because he didn't respond to any gallantry on their part, nothing could catch his attention, which made him even more interesting for me.

The first oboe at the time was a very irresponsible young woman who from the beginning made him feel uncomfortable with her bad demeanor and rude manners, to the point that often I had to fill in for her on the rehearsals because he needed that voice. Because of that, he ended up relying on me and trusted me with that responsibility, and when the day of the concert came, I had to play the first oboe because my superior didn't show up to the soundcheck and he suspended her.

The concert went well and at the end, he hugged me and congratulate me on a job well done, but sadly, I never saw him after that. When one of my older brothers had to undergo surgery to fix his shoulder due to a shattered rotator cuff, he went to visit him at the clinic, because my little brother was taking a conducting class with him at that time and when he knew of George, immediately went to check on him. At the clinic, he spoke to my mom and said he had great memories of his time here, especially of me, and I was flattered, I admired him and at that point I realized, now that I was a grown woman, that I had a big crush on that man.

Then, a few months ago, through the Instagram account of the local orchestra, (where I used to work), and that is managed by my mom, I started to see him again, but this time with different eyes. I thought that like many others, he had left the country but no, he's still here, and just two hours away from me. He still got that implacable gaze that I remembered, and I have seen him through short videos and interviews and end up thinking, someday I have to meet him, someday I have to be in front of him, someday I will speak to him, someday...

I'm not in love, I know that, but I don't think I'm infatuated either. I don't think of him every day, I won't spend any money traveling to Caracas just to see him, if I do get to see him in person, I don't plan on making any moves to get his attention. I'm not desperate, I'm not anxious, I'm not irrational, I'm not obsessed with the guy. It's just that every time I see him, I get a funny feeling in my stomach, it's like his aura speaks to me, saying that he is a good man, unlike the jewels I've had in my past.

Am I crazy? or am I idealizing him? or am I projecting a hidden desire to find a good man?

Maybe one of these is the answer, maybe all, maybe none. So all I have left to do is keep living my life as I have so far, and maybe one day, we'll be face to face, and only God knows what will happen next...

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✨✨Blessings✨✨

@rebeysa85

November 4th, 2021.