When is infidelity acceptable? Is there a reason valid enough to justify an unfaithful heart? And when all else fails, is there anyone to blame?
Dear Professor,
I would just like to share what I experienced recently for I am just looking for answers. You know, I have been cheated on 3 times already by 3 different guys in the past, and now, Ryan, my current boyfriend, I had my suspicions and I just saw him exchanging raunchy messages and photos with another.
I thought he was different, I thought that I was passed the bad guys. He was my dream guy from since we started dating. He even agreed with my demands to put up sex after marriage. He was cool with it, at first but as our relationship progresses, he was bringing it up more and more and I am rejecting him more and more, maybe it's a factor but I still can't believe he can do that to me. I was tempted to break my chastity promise many times but I held on.
Is it really that big a deal if I don't let him do it with me? Am I the problem in this case? What should I do?
Lovingly yours,
Janna
Response
Janna,
I would like you to know that I sympathize with you and am feeling bitterly sorry for what you are going through. Before anything else, let me tell you that above all else, infidelity is never justified, it's never reasonable and it shall never be accepted.
That being said, the best course of action for you is to end the relationship. It may be hard to accept but that's just it. You are not married so there's no question of working through it. If he can throw tantrums like that while you are not even married, it will just be sending the wrong message if you comply with his demands. Just dump his sorry bum and move on. But take this one as a hard lesson to learn.
Men, all of us are wired differently than girls. Men will always be the more physically attached and sexually invested when it comes to relationships. Men tends to show love and affection often physically, unlike women who are much more invested emotionally.
Sex and physical activities will translate to "attention" and affection for men. So the more you are involved physically in the relationship, the more you are committed to them, it may not be ideal but that is one ugly truth out there. But of course, no one shall put up with anything that they are not comfortable with. It's just that.
There are several factors that contribute to infidelity. In general, we commonly attribute infidelity to frustrations, unhappiness, dissatisfaction, the feeling of unappreciation, boredom and sometimes revenge.
If we are to relate some of these to your past relationships, those guys may have been frustrated with your setup, and since they are such cowards that could not voice out their real intentions and they could not swallow their pride to back out with your arrangement, they succumb to their frustrations and seek pleasure and release with other women.
We may also say that they were unhappy with your arrangement. Or they may even be dissatisfied, well that one was obvious don't you think.
Again, it may really be a hard pill to swallow but men and women just don't think alike. We may not fully understand each other no matter how hard we try so again, it is all up to our communication schemes and agreement to compromise and work out through our differences.
Nobody deserves to be betrayed, played, and preyed on. There may be a lot of factors and explanations why infidelity and unfaithfulness occur but it should not be condoned or tolerated in any way. "Once a cheater, always a cheater..." that's not just an old saying or anything, there have been studies that showed people who have been unfaithful before are three times more to be in an affair in their next relationship. But of course, I am not saying that ALL past offenders WILL repeat their actions, there are always exceptions to any rule.
The opposite of that is also true, if a past infidel found a partner who meets all of his or her requirement, needs and wants, being unfaithful may not even be a possibility.
In today's era, there are also a lot of things that could create an atmosphere conducive to infidelity :
Alcohol - this has always been known to alter moods, state of mind and even personalities. A faithful person while sober may be an open infidel when the spirit of liquor kicks in.
Substance abuse - some of the substance may even turn a timid person into a wild killer.
Internet - emotional dissatisfaction may also be a factor in infidelity and the internet gives a lot of people the endless opportunity to connect with other people who they may develop emotional and intimate bonds with.
Porn - although the effects of pornography in infidelity has been proven non-significant it still may contribute to some people's fantasy and incite them to act inappropriately.
To end my response to you my dear child, it is in your best interest to really cease your relations with this guy and prevent yourself in making a bad precedent. Your only choice moving forward is to find a guy that will share the same promise as you or you might reconsider your priorities and mindset.
No matter what you decide, I hope that it's happiness that you will find.
Love
Prof
Hey there!!!
It's another installment to our letter series Letters of the Heart . If you are not up to date with the series and you would like to read the past publications, you may do so from the links below :
Still, everyone is encouraged to send in your letters for the professor to answer. If you have any questions or you would just like to share the matters of your heart, you may do so by commenting to any of the articles listed above or to this one, the professor will get back to you as soon as possible.
I appreciate that you spent some of your precious time here and as always...
Cheers!!!
References:
Image 1 : https://phys.org/news/2016-10-effects-infidelity-long-term-relationships.html
Oh, this was hard and somehow I can relate to Janna. Got same experienced and he even broke up with me on our anniversary🤣 just because of that reason.
Though I was always misinterpret as liberated one because I can converse something "spg" but I am actually convervative. I did't agree and I hate it when my boyfriend demands like I am obliged.
However , I noticed that in todays generation it seems normal to some couple. Well maybe this the current trend.