Letters of The Heart ( 6 ) : Ethical Conundrum

Dear Professor,

I am Grace, I am part of a university faculty. I am single and looking for someone who will take care of me and love me for who I am. There's a nice guy in my class, who interests me. He is 5 years younger than me, we exchanged some conversations and exchanged mobile phone numbers. We started texting and I find him smart, we always text but in my class we just look at each other and exchange smiles.

One day, he asked me for a dinner, I asked myself "is this a date?" and I reasoned with myself that it's just a simple dinner between friends. I joined him in a dinner, we had great conversations between us. That one simple dinner has been followed by many dinners until one day, he gave me flowers and he told me that he already have feelings for me. My heart beats fast, I don't know what my answer would be, because even if I admit it or not, I like his company a lot. Now I told him I would not answer yet, I have to think many times. So professor, please help me out. I admit it, I like this guy and I feel that he cares for me. But what should I do? Will I say yes? If I say yes, I'm afraid people will judge me. If I say no, I might lose this chance of having someone who let me feel important.

Here hoping for your advice,

Grace.

Response :

Dear Grace,

Thank you for courageously opening up to me. I know that reaching out to me with this situation has not been a breeze. I am not just saying that because I am always on the move now, like as of the moment, I had a sudden whim to ride this old locomotive train and let it take me wherever for a day. There is something relaxing in the sound of the train's chug and the way the metals spark against each other on its railways. I mean that it must be hard for you to share this somewhat sensitive situation of yours.

It has been said that we should not piss where we eat. I guess it means that we must try hard not to mix business/work with pleasure or romantic relationships. And this specially applies to educators like us. We have a direct impact in shaping young minds and so their future can also be linked to us.

As I sip this warm tea they offered me in the train and consume some of these cookies, let me answer your question quickly and straightforward. You are asking for an input to what you are going to do when your student is obviously courting you. Simple answer? You say NO. It may not be illegal in other countries but to some, romantic relationships between teachers and students is punishable by law. But even if it is not illegal it may seem to be unethical, the same way that a psychiatrist shouldn't be dating his or her patient. Now, if you are both willing to try after he is no longer a student in your university, that's another story and a better story that your current situation.

As long as we are in this topic and I am still several miles away from the last station of this locomotive, let me broaden my response to you a bit. As straightforward as your letter is, it may seem that there is another factor that is convoluting the matter. Since you specifically mentioned a 5-year difference between you two, your focus seemed to be more inclined to age gap rather than the professional aspect of your positions.

If it is the age gap that you are concerned about, if you worry that people may judge you because you are dating a younger or older partner, I say to you, there is no need for that. First of all, the gap between you two is not that big. It's just 5 years. Those 5 years will not reflect any generation gap that is usually seen amongst elders and the youngsters. Second, it has been proven that time and time again, age is just a number. There are a huge numbers of relationships that we can consider successful stories in which the couple are not on the same age bracket.

Age Gap Theories

As generally accepted, the average acceptable age gap for partners in our society is 3 years. But that's just the average and that's just the accepted in our ever judging society.

It may also help to consider that there is an accepted rule concerning age gaps in relationships. Here's how it goes : you divide your age by two, and then add 7 years to that, so for example, you are 30, that is 15 when halved and that is 22 when 7 years is added, it means that for a 30 year old male or female, dating a 22 year old is just socially acceptable as dating another 30 year old. But bear in mind that to every rule, there is an exception. And to this specific rule, there are quite the number of exceptions.

There are also several concepts that are usually talked about when the subject of age disparity is touched.

It is said that a young male tends to seek older females as romantic partners, but as he grows older his preference changes to that of a younger female. Mainly maybe because in males, the physical attractiveness plays a huge role in this hunt. Whereas in females, they usually tend to look for older guys, since maturity is a huge factor in their search .

Conclusion

Again, let me say that I believe that age is just a number (as much as legally possible) when it comes to relationships. As long as you are both in the same page and you are in the same wavelength in understanding the problem (age gap) is only in your own minds. Whatever it is you're doing, you will never be happy as long as you care what other people think or what they would say. What ever you do, no matter how good it is, no matter how good of a person you are, people will always have something to say about it, so it is best not to let them ruin just everything it is you enjoy. People tend to throw rocks at things that shine as one great philosopher said.

So, but in the meantime, as I am about to alight this train, let me part with you with an old saying. Good things come to those who wait, *wink, wink*.

NOTE:

I would like to express my deepest gratitude to @MizLhaine for bringing us this particular letter. This is quite moving and I personally I could relate to that story. Thank you very much.

For anybody else who wants to be part of this series: You may send in your letters or ideas to MeitanteiKudo on TG or you may comment it here or in any article contained in the Letters of The Heart series (click for other letters of the heart ):