Letters of the Heart ( 1 ) : The One I Love or the One Who Loves Me

Dear Prof.

I'm Abigail and I am as they say caught between two lovers: my boyfriend and an old flame.

My boyfriend and I have been exclusively dating for almost 2 years now and until now I can't think of a real big fight or any issue that we haven't been able to resolved. All of our past problems were normal and simple enough and we were able to put them to rest, kiss and make up.

Until recently, I thought about going all the way to the altar with him but alas, I met an old ex of mine a few weeks back and it started to stir up old feelings.

He is not an ordinary Ex, he was my first real love, he was my first everything and I gave my whole body and soul to him. And to be brutally honest, I believe that I am still under his charms.

We met at a party and as soon as our eyes met, the sparks and everything else went exploding in my mind and in my chest. We kept exchanging messages after that.

You have to understand that we just broke up last time because he had to go to another country to work and we both decided that LDR is not for the both of us and ended it amicably.

After short correspondence and meetups here and there he started to show those feelings and insinuated that he's willing to try again.

I know it's unfair because my boyfriend adores and cherish me I also care deeply for him but I just can't seem to shake these old feelings.

What do you think shall I do?

Love,

Abigail.

Dear Abigail,

This pretty much reminds me of two songs: The One You Love by Glenn Frey and Mahal ko o Mahal Ako (The One I Love or the One Who Loves Me). That famous line from the first song : "Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you, or are you going back to the one you love" is just the perfect line for you. I can only imagine how it feels to be in the middle of this heart-boggling dilemma. At one look it seems that whatever choice you make will make someone cry or hurt at the very least.

First let us talk about these old feelings of yours. I would like to commend your bravery to acknowledge these feelings that are part of your past. The familiarity, the intimacy and all that entails are a part of who we are in the present. Much as we deny, everything we've experienced will impact how we see things in the future. Some of us will deter these emotions fooling themselves that they've "moved on" and all that, while it may be right it's not the whole picture. Once you truly love somebody, you will always love them, the only thing that will change is "how much". Some people may love the same person enough to get back with them or love them a little less than before and make the separation a bit bearable. It's okay to feel those because that just means you truly loved that person through and through. However, it's not all that matters. Remember, you broke up for a reason.

It's quite normal to feel rattled when you meet an old lover, because no matter how you turn the world, you've shared the romance, the intimacy and all those special feelings and that cannot be denied. It's okay it does not mean that you are a slut for feeling those. You do not have to feel bad.

So back to the point at hand, who to choose: The one you love or the one who loves you?

There is no general rule or answer to that one, it may differ to person to person and a lot of factors may weigh in to making the decision. But based on this specific scenario there's no rush in making the choice because as you said, you've only been speaking with him for a few weeks. The excitement may subside after a couple more or they may get clearer in time.

If we are speaking practically, staying with the one who loves you is the logical and the best course of action. A wise woman once told me that in a relationship, you should find someone who loves you more than you love them. There won't be much of huge problems after that. But in terms of true and pure happiness, you should follow what your heart desire. If what makes you happy is going back to the one you love, then so be it. If your current partner loves you as much as you claim then understanding you would not stop his world.

And again, this is just my humble opinion and not a set of instructions.

Good luck and may you find the peace and happiness your heart deserves.

Love,

Professor.

You may read all the other letters of the heart here :

Letters of the Heart (Cover Page)