STRUGGLES that keep me going

I was once planned to be aborted by my parents. How did I know that? Well, I can hear it every time and that stuck to my mind while growing up.

My life was endangered when I was a baby because of dehydration and the sensitivity of my skin and experienced the 50/50 of being alive.

I was an outcast before, am not good at school, I don't have any talent either. I was just a girl trying to survive at everything.

They always want to compare my achievements in life, like what's the point of living here if you are useless.

I was just a girl who loves to read stories about the origin of something, the history of the economy, and of course, fairytales and romance novels.

Junior High School

I tried to change myself when I started to attend secondary education. I study hard but it is not the best for them, I became top 2/50 and awarded as the most responsible student in the class but no one appreciated it. Another year passed, I got into trouble but still manage to be on the top 6/51. Still, no one appreciates it. Another year, being the third year I started to be a working student and I was 15 years old at that time and it was really hard for me because this is the year that forced me to support my financial needs or else, I cannot attend school anymore. Then I strived harder and tried to prove to myself that my life is worth fighting for. I became top 2 of the class and was awarded as being most responsible again but I was frustrated that I can't beat the top 1 of the class. Not because of my own good but for my parents who expect more from me. It makes me cry once more, I feel so demotivated and hopeless at all. I still have one year, I told to myself to keep fighting and fight for my dreams. The grading system changed and they challenged the student to get 90% on average to become one of the achievers, this is getting crazy because I was tired and no motivation. I am tired of being compared with my sisters and brothers, cousins, and even the children of our neighbors. Having a good grade? I wasn't like that, I hate being like that. I don't wanna be the first at all. I hate it. And you know what is the worst scenario I experienced? My science teacher changed my grade with an average of 98% for the last quarter, the reason why I got an award as an achiever of the year and of course as being the most responsible student. Why? I actually don't know why she did that for me. I was ashamed of myself because in the first place I don't deserve it at all.

The Moving up ceremony

Four years of attending the recognition no one accompanied me to hang the medal on my neck, it is always me and my adviser who will congratulate me every year on the stage. During the moving up ceremony, I was crying as I walk alone having no parents to go up to while receiving my diploma, my adviser was busy at that time and no one really walks with me. Why? because they need to attend together with my sisters and brothers recognition day. I need to understand the situation.

Senior high school

I just enrolled in what I think is the best so I chose the strand ABM or Accountancy, Business, and Management. I don't care about my grade anymore all I think was having a passing grade is enough, I don't wanna strive for more. With the help of the encouragement of my friends, I still managed to graduate as being one of the "with honors awardee and most benevolent award" and finally my older sister accompanied me to the graduation ceremony.

What happened before is not an achievement at all, It is my struggles that keep me going just to survive and prove to them that my life is worth living. I hate myself for being like this.

Being a working student while trying to make them proud is my nightmare. But in the end, we are family. I understand that they just want a good future for their children but being controlled is too much to handle.

Why am I writing this? because writing is my sweet escape from reality. I have too much drama with my life but I will still choose to be positive at everything.

Author's Note:

"I am getting frustrated with myself, but I won't be discouraged. This is testing my patience, but I won't be discouraged. Now I wonder, How far can I go? I shouldn't be discouraged right? Yes, I should not be because I type with purpose." -carisdaneym

Thank you for reading, God bless. :)

If there are Grammatical errors please, kindly correct me.