Stage fright

As a kid, I was used to attending outings and parties from an organization where my dad is a member. I was never alone because I was with my family. Since my brother and I were still kids, all we ever did during such events were to eat, play and swim. My mom would look after us at the same time she also had to mingle with her fellow sisters or mothers. My dad on the other hand was busy having fun with his fellow brothers or fathers.

When we grew up, my dad seldom brings us to such events because he kmows that we find it boring. I am not sure if we were in high school or college when we last attended my dad's organization party but I know that I won a raffle gift that time and also it was the first time that my brother and I played billiards as there was a pool table in the venue. Because we were still at that age wherein we are not yet into such events, we need not to introduce ourselves. It was a yahoo for me. LOL. But not until recently.

After more than a decade, I happened to attend an annual party from the said organization. This time, my brother will be joining the said organization as he is already at the right age. Having said that, there were also quite a number of female attendees so the host asked each of us to introduce ourselves. The moment that I heard that, I felt my heart stopped beating. I hate speaking in front of a lot of people. I hate public speaking. In short, I have stage fright. But what can I do I was seated in front and I had no chance to excuse myself as it will really draw some attention. My sister-in-law was lucky as she went out several minutes before the host said that the females needed to introduce themselves. I had no choice but to introduce myself. I only said 2 sentences but boy, oh boy, I was really nervous. We did not have to go to the stage as the microphone was long so I just stood up, introduced myself and I said I was the daughter of my dad. My introduction did not last a minute but I really felt that my heart stopped beating. I was looking at my dad the whole time I introduced myself and he was nodding at me as if he was telling me that I am doing great and I need not to be nervous. I did not mind the other guests as I was only focused on my dad's face. Probably the wine and the beer that I drank for lunch had helped me not to be super nervous.
That time, I cannot helped but to remember the scene when I had to make a speech at my brother and sister-in-law's wedding. It was what was playing on my mind. I was also thinking about my friend, A, because I feel like I mispronounced a particular word. She's a grammar nazi and for sure she would laugh at me because of my mispronunciation. It was really a struggle not only because I was nervous but also because the letters P and F were close together so I was not able to emphasize the F. LOL. Oh why do I hate talking in front of a lot of people? Why? I just hope that I will overcome this kind of feeling. But I do not know how.

Ever since I was a kid, I never really liked being on stage whether it is public speaking or doing any sort of presentation. We always have field demonstration when I was in grade school every year and I would always request to be positioned at the back. As much as I wanted not to participate, I have to because our teacher said that it was graded. I never found out if that was true but I participated in every field demonstrations. I though that after grade school those field demonstrations would be over but it didn't. Not only did we had to do folk dances each year but there were also a lot of school plays from Rome & Juliet, Shakespeare, Ibong Adarna, El Filibusterismo and a lot more. Of course, I chose either the character with little to zero words to say or to be part of the props committee. Some may say that I lack self-confidence, self-love and self-esteem or I am self-conscious but I do not think that it is the case. Even if I became slim, I am still nervous to be in the stage. The last time I can think of was when I was working with company E and we had to play games in front. Even if there were a lot of participants in the game, I was still nervous to the point that my hands were so cold and that I wanted to finish the game right away. I guess I got this kind of feeling from my mom's side as my mom and some of her sisters are also not fond of public speaking, being in front of a lot of people and to be the center of attraction. To think they are all so beautiful. I guess this will really be difficult for me to overcome.

Talking about my stage fright made me smile and think of the time when my mom enrolled me to a ballet class when I was still small. My mom was not able to force me to go inside the class as I was having tantrums. Then my mom let me watch the class from outside and told me how pretty the little kids were in their tutus. No matter how much my mom encouraged me that time, I never really liked to be in that class so I just turned around and look away. Whenever my mom would reminisce about that moment, she would tell me how much she wanted to pull my curly hair and drag me inside the ballet class because of my tantrums.

I envy my brother as not only is he a good public speaker like our dad but he is also not afraid of being on stage. He even danced and sang from the said event. I am so proud of him. How I wish that I am like him?

July 04, 2022

P.S. lead image is a photo of my brother with the other guys dancing during the recent event.