Missing you (part 3)

I know I have already shared my story about my past significant other or my past flirtationship but I suddenly wanted to share more of him after reading @Firenze's newly published article, It's about trust. 

Trust is really important in every type of relationship. But once lost, it is very hard to gain again. Was there a time when you lost trust on someone or vice versa? I broke my mom's trust when I first fell in love but I'm not going to get into details with that. With my past flirtationship, he told me that he lost his trust on me when he found out that I have had a thing with someone else after something happened between us. Well I thought that what happened to us was just a one time thing just like with the other person. How am I suppose to know when he didn't even told me he loves me even after what happened to us. So when he asked me about my past and my record, he was shocked that there was someone after him. That is when he started to lose his trust on me. At least I was honest right? I even told him my reasons why it happened but he was so mad. 

After that I realized he didn't want me to entertain someone while he can. Unfair right? But because I have already fallen for him, I did. I was so faithful to him even if he thinks that I still have other guys other than him. He just doesn't want to accept the truth that I was really loyal to him. 

I have said "I love you", "I love you so much", "I miss you" and "I miss you so much" but all I get in return was "K" or "ok".  But did you know that I still took a screenshot of it even if it was only 1 or 2 letters? LOL. Why? Because I still find it sweet. But it would have been a totally different story if he replied with and "I love you too" or an "I miss you too". Most probably I couldn't sleep if I would see those words or even hear him say it. Or I would have to ask him to repeat it over and over again or I would record it so I can play it over and over again. Even with a K and ok I was already so smitten by him so what more if it was those words that I wanted to hear right? 

I did had the courage to ask him before why we can't be official and he said that he was a mess and that he really can't be in a relationship. I respected his answer and I fully understand his situation so I didn't ask him about it again over the years. I firmly believe that it was just a one sided relationship and that it was only I who was in love but I still allowed him to use me. There were times that I would be the one to beg him to meet me because I miss him so bad. I would ask him to call or text me when he gets home or when he's already at work. It was always I who would be the one who would first initiate the conversation. He will only text or call me first when he's bored or when he doesn't get any message from me. He thinks that I am doing something bad when I don't update him especially when I am at work. He thinks that I have someone new but even with his sarcastic tone or message, I still find it sweet sometimes. LOL. I was really head over heels in love with him. 

I tolerated everything even if it hurts and everything is wrong because I love him. I lost respect to myself. I forgot my worth because I was so madly in love with him. We both didn't have any access to our social media or messages since we respect each other's privacy. But he just wants that whenever we are together, we wouldn't be checking our phone from time to time. He didn't forbid me when going out with my friends and workmates but he just wants to always update him of what I was doing. If it was my high school and college friends, he was ok with it. But if it was my workmates, it was totally a different story. I really find it sweet whenever he gets mad when I am with my workmates but there are times that I get pissed because he was too much. However, I couldn't get mad at him because I was afraid that he might not talk to me anymore or that I would lose him. 

I know that he is not the one for me but I have loved him more than I have loved my first love. They say first love never dies right? Not for me. Probably because we have spent years together compared to my first which was just less than a year. With my first, I felt that he did loved me but with this one, no comment. LOL. 

Anyway, I haven't seen him for years and he is not the type who posts about his life on Facebook and even on Instagram so I don't know how he is right now but I know he is still hot and yummy. LOL. If I were to meet him again, I want to have that revenge body and if possible I hope I already have someone special in my life who loves me unconditionally if ever we would cross paths again. He saw me when I was chubby and also when I was slim but still I want to look perfect when he sees me again. His new girl is actually pretty in picture and from what I have heard, she is also pretty in person. I feel like if I am single and I'll meet him again, I might fall for him over again. LOL. But I know I am wiser now. One is enough, two is too much and three is suicide.