Darkest past

This is in response to @JonicaBradley's Writing Prompt #4 Darkness

The word darkness has been my used word when I was healing my broken heart years ago. I do not know whether we have the same definition or feeling of darkness but back in my younger days I used to be in the dark. Not the kind of dark after you have switched of the light but rather emotionally, mentally and spiritually dark. I did not have any traumatizing incident while growing up but I have struggled with a lot of emotional pain. Sometimes it is when we are struggling in life, friendship, love, money that we get lost in the dark. As for me it was life in general wherein I was consumed by the darkness.

When I graduated it was when life had hit me so hard. I was a fresh graduate with no experience and my family made me feel that I have made the wrong choice in choosing my career. Even humiliated me in front of my friend and said that I was slow-witted and that I cannot get into law school. I wanted to take up law after I have graduated but only ended up getting a negative and humiliating response. I felt so low to think that my own family think that I could not make it into law school. Prior to that, I have found out that my uncle does not want me to work in a cruise and he wanted my mom to discourage me about applying for any cruise jobs.

All of those happened after I graduated and I could not help but to put the blame on my uncle because of my wrong decisions in my life. Why? He assured me that he will help me to apply for a cruise job in his company but what did I get after? Discouragement. Before I took up hotel, restaurant and institution management, I asked him not just once but a lot of times if he can help me in applying for a cruise job and he said yes. My dad wanted me to shift course when I was in second year so that I can still take up law but I stand by my decision of pursuing this path. He had told me to shift many times but I did not listen.

Then there was also something that I did during my practicum training that was not suppose to happen but it happened anyway. But after I found out that my uncle does not want me to apply for a cruise job, I told to myself that the thing that I did could have been avoided if I did not took this career path. Again who did I blame for my wrong decisions? My uncle.

Then after the issue with my family I also had an issue with my friends. I got into a misunderstanding with one of my high school friends and fight with some of my college friends. With my high school friend it was just a petty misunderstanding and we patched things up after. With my college friends, it was war. We even had exchanged emails through our Yahoo group because of the fight. So again I thought of my uncle that if only I did not took this course, I would not have a fight with my friends because I would not meet my college friends if I did not took that course.

During those times when everyone was banging on me, I shut my world to everyone. And by everyone I really meant everyone including my family. For 2 weeks I was just in my room with no Friendster and no cellphone. I did not had any communication with anyone. Friendster was the social media around those times. I feel so old. LOL.

I would only get out of my room if I was going to pee and eat. If I was going to eat, I would go out only when I know that no one is outside and that was past midnight or even later. I would grab a slice of bread because it was something that no one would notice that I took one. It was during those times that I just wanted to be gone that I already know what to write in my letter and who and where to send it. It was actually Christmas season and I did not talk with anyone. I did not bother greeting my family and so are they. The only person who took time to check up on me was my brother. He would unlock my room and check how I was and if I was still breathing or not. Though I know that my mom had instructed my brother to do it. My brother did all kinds of trick just to let me talk but I did not utter a word. He even tickled me but it also did not work. He is the only one who knows my ticklish spot and it was the only time that I did not feel anything and he was also surprised that I did not react.

For me I was in total darkness that time and the only light that I saw during my darkest past was my brother. Then another light shined days after New Year when my mom went into my room and told me that my dad said that I can take up law. My mom already inquired in some schools about what I need especially with regards to prerequisite subjects. Of course I was happy for a moment but I turned it down. Why? Can be my ego perhaps because I was extremely hurt. The truth hurts yes I know. However it was the affirmation of saying it indirectly to me that I was slow-witted. I have dealt with the comparison between me and my brother even before but I shrugged it off. I have already accepted my defeat because I know that he is really intelligent while I was the so-so of the family.

It was because of those series of events where I have built my own wall and I even made a higher, wider and thicker wall when I started working. I became distant with my family except for my brother. The only people that I had when I started working was my brother, high school friends and workmates. Then it was during Facebook days when I have reunited with my college friends. I think it was also during those times where my walls have been destroyed and I started to see how colorful our life is.

At some point in our lives we may have experienced darkness. Being in dark made me realize a lot of things including myself. We just have to remember that there will always be light despite all the darkness that we feel. It is because of my darkest past that I have appreciated the light and what life has to offer whether good or bad, easy or hard and small or big. What matters is that I have made it no matter how dark it was.

Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light. — Madeline L'Engle

This is my article for JonicaBradley's challenge, Writing Prompt #4 Darkness

Challenge rules:

1.Write anything about darkness
2. Write 100% original content
3. Write at least 600 words
4. Tag @JonicaBradley
5. Have fun

P.S. lead image was one of the light photos that I took when I was healing my heart. LOL. I posted most of it on my Instagram account with captions about light and darkness.