You weren't there

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Avatar for ZehraSky
3 years ago

The time when I was falling apart, you were not there to bear witness to such an ugly side. You had no right to tell others you have seen me at my worst. I had no right to lie that you did.

Everything that had been between us was built on a foundation of pity and lies. Such a flimsy thing can never withstand the currents that are bound to touch our chaotic falsity.

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You thought you knew everything there is to know about me. But you weren't there when I confessed in a whisper about how I wanted to cut my tongue off for lying. How I knew I was not in love yet chose to play the part as if I am.

Where I knew everything is because of pity amd guilt that I felt for you and never once because of something else.

Oh, how blissful it was to have lived in bliss. Never knowing that the one you loved feel not the same for you.

You were able to do that because you weren't there when I fall to my knees. Tears on my eyes and begging to skies to let me wake up from this nightmare. But I never did escape this hell that I chose to place myself in. Not until you decided to prey on someone else.

You chose to force yourself to me in the name of this thing you claim as love. And I never has the strength to push you off the edge.

September's coming and the nightmares plague my nights again. I would rather not sleep than face the countless agony I felt again in my dreams.

I wonder often if I had been a little more heartless and a lot more cruel, would I have been able to spare myself from the hell I lived for a year.

It seems like bad attitude to regret being there for a suicidal person.

The savior complex I had back then was the reason for my predicament now. I could help myself so I thought it would be eniugh if I couls help someone who was struggling too.

I could not even face my own demons. Why did I ever think I could help rid you of yours?

You weren't there when I was the one who needed someone.

So ignorant was I of the fact that people do not have the same heart as mine that I believed you would not leave in my darkest days for I burned to give you light when you are stuck in the dark.

The lessons learned were paid for with blood, tears, and months of self-loathing.

Even now that I could barely remember the dates and the places, I could still feel the disgust I had each time I was playing the part of a loving girlfriend.

I can still feel the ache of the the water touching my skin after I scrubbed myself until I feel like I am clean again.

The worst part is until now, no one ever knew all the cruelty I had to lived with a smile on my face.

I wish to get rid of these memories. Pretend I had never once stayed in such toxicity. But that is far beyond my reach.

The dreams I had for my first relationship to be full of awkwardness yet so wholesome still remained to stay just as that.

I cannot enjoy the company of other people for a part of me believes that if I ever get attached to someone else, they would take advantage of me as you did.

Perhaps the feeling of doubts and pain will never truly go away. Perhaps in the next few years I would have 3 months every year filled with nightmares.

But the world does not stop just because it felt like my world stopped.

You weren't there when I finally took a step forward. A step into a place where everything that happened was nothing but a distant memory.

I have never truly forgiven myself for what happened to me back then. But with this letter, I want to start the painful process of opening the wound carelessly treated. I want to take apart the scars so that I may heal properly.

I want to experience love someday without remembering the perversion you made out of it.

I do not want to burden anyone with these memories so I will take them apart one by one until I would no longer bury the part of me that I wish I had never been.



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3 years ago

Comments

Love can move mountains as others say. You'll do anything just to make him/her happy. One sided love? That hurts I know but it is better to experience love than never have loved at all.

If that is the case, maybe its time to let him go. Move on and just remember that there is someone who really belongs to you, someone who will adore you and love you back.

$ 0.03
3 years ago

Love can be a great thing when it's executed properly but the effect is devastating...I experienced this before and I don't want to experience it again kaya ..ngayon ..enjoy muna life 😁

$ 0.03
3 years ago

Tama yan. Mas masarap enjoyin ang life without dealing with emotional manipulations disguised as love hehe

$ 0.00
3 years ago

One sided love hurt the most but believe me It is the most beautiful feeling in the world. Stay strong mate ❤️. Have a good day.

$ 0.03
3 years ago

I believe that love is the most beautiful thing in the world. Hopefully, I experience truly feeling it someday. Have a great day!

$ 0.01
3 years ago

My tropa also experienced this where he gave his 100% to a girl because he loves her. Kahit nadiscover na nyang nagchecheat, he still continue fixing their relationship. Pero ayun nung ayaw na talaga nung babae, sobrang nalungkot tropa na tipong di na nya daw alam kung pano bubuuin sarili nya.

Kaya ayaw ko magcommit hanggat di ako buo. Kasi anong ititira ko sa sarili pag gin*go na ako ng mundo?

hahaha charot ang drama ko na 😆

$ 0.03
3 years ago

Tama naman po yung sinabi mo kahit tunog madrama hehe. Mahirap kasi kapag pumasok sa relasyon tas nag eexpect na siya dapat yung magpaparamdam sayo na buo ka. Dapat buo ka na ket wala siya. Bonus lang presence nita kumbaga

$ 0.00
3 years ago

"Perhaps the feeling of doubts and pain will never truly go away. Perhaps in the next few years I would have 3 months every year filled with nightmares."

Sometimes I feel this, panic attacks while sleeping, depression and anxiety every night. minsan di k narin mahandle mood ko, sobrang nahihirapan rin ako na parang di ko alam san ako kakapit

$ 0.06
3 years ago

Hugs sis. Hindi ko alam sasabihin pero sana kumonti and lumayo layo na pagitan nila. Or if possible di mo na sila maranasan ulit. Kapit lang sis!

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Sometimes in life, i takes a lot of times for us to realize things., like I for myself, i had sacrificed lots of things in order to be with the person I so called" love". I left my family, my dreams and aspirations and now, i realized that the person I fought for does not deserve all of my sacrifices. Anyway, time will really come that we will be able to distinguish the real score that we live in.

$ 0.03
3 years ago

I am glad that you were able to realize that you deserved better. I am hoping that you find someone who would appreciate your sacrifices

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Sakit nman pag 1 sided love, and for me ang morbid ng ganun.. 😔 Saklap😭

$ 0.03
3 years ago

One-sided love. It's really painful to be part of that so called love. I've fall down and stumbled countless times. But I chooseto rise up and face my life with a nig smile in my face. Let's just keep surving and fighting. Good job with this one.

$ 0.03
3 years ago

I am glad to here that even through difficult times you still managed to put on a big smile. Fightiiing!

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Yeaaah fighting!

$ 0.00
3 years ago

I know someone who suffered this one too. Thinking of someone's happiness before his'. And it pierced his heart knowing that they can't be together in a lifetime. Everything was just one-sided. 💔

$ 0.03
3 years ago

I pray that he found someone who will be with him for a long time

$ 0.00
3 years ago

The best lesson to be learnt is keep rising for every fall, this got me feeling emotional I hope you find peace within. I know you feel quite relieved for sharing this thoughts.

$ 0.03
3 years ago

I do feel quite relieved after I shared these thoughts. I did not realize howbgeavy they were until I finally let them out

$ 0.00
3 years ago

This article really touched my heart. These are the words that I want to say but just kept it to myself. Such a wonderful writing you got there 🥺💓

$ 0.06
3 years ago

Wow, your comment reminds me of why I continued writing again.

I remembered that one of my readers from Tumblr told me the exact same thing: "These are the words that I want to say but just kept it to myself." And I decided then that even if only one person could relate to my words then I have done my goal. Thank you!

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Happy to know that you were able to surpass it. That's life. The hardest and the painful truth lies ahead of us. We stumble and fall but the best we could do is to fight and raise again.

$ 0.03
3 years ago

Yup, life is difficult sometimes but all we can do is try to live it to the fullest.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

I think this happens to all of us in the life. The best thing is to learn lesson.

$ 0.03
3 years ago

Truly, in this life all we can do is learn from what happened and move forward

$ 0.00
3 years ago

"I cannot enjoy the company of other people for a part of me believes that if I ever get attached to someone else, they would take advantage of me as you did."

Indeed, this line was also one of the biggest fear in life I never wanted to experience, I have trust issues you know😅.. This is interesting keep it up🥰

$ 0.03
3 years ago

I hope that we will be able to find the strength to let go of our trust issues so that we may be able to enjoy interacting with more people.

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Once the foundation is faulty there is nothing one can do then to correct it

$ 0.03
3 years ago

This is so true. A thing built on a faulty foundation is bound to fall apart

$ 0.00
3 years ago

Wow, this is just beautiful. I have never thought about writing about some of the hurt I still feel, you have just inspired me, thank you for sharing such an article

$ 0.03
3 years ago

Thank you so much! Your words mean a lot to me. I am glad to have inspired you. I hope that the hurt you still feel will be easier to carry once you write them down.

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3 years ago