What happens next?

Just as fast as we got together, the fragile ground we stood on shattered. Promises shared remained in memories, and memories made faded away in history.

You might think me mad for even writing more about a story long over, a chapter long bygone. But this is not about us. It has not been about us for years.

This is about me, and what happened after the fateful night you decided to leave the little stage I set up for us. When you decided to act as a knight to a girl who acts helpless just to get anyone's attention.

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The chapter where we played the parts as lovers are long over and yet the scars from that year-long stay in hell still hurt most nights.

It is unfair

When I thought I finally left the hell I had gotten caught up in, I found myself in another endless loop of pain. Another maze I could not find the exit of.

I once thought that getting out of a toxic relationship was the hardest part but I realized that what happens after the end is more difficult.

I had to face the demons that resurfaced, and the new ones that found its way to sink their claws in me.

I had to smile and to bear the pain alone. For it would be weird if I cry about losing someone I had never loved.

The pain I endured left me dealing with phantoms everywhere.

I thought in losing you, I would manage to find myself again but I ended more lost than ever.

I found myself in their arms

The one thing that the pandemic did for me was to stop me from becoming someone I did not want to be.

Because of the continuous lockdown, meeting up with strangers were out of the window. Which helped in helping me ensure that I do not do things that will leave me more scars.

Still, I found myself caught up talking to multiple people. Flirting with them all night long just to chase the nightmares away. The sunrise is the time for sleep back then.

People behind the screen mean next to nothing for me, then. Just another batch of people I will ghost. A game that should have never existed and yet I played it all the same.

I found myself drunk on the routine I have. Find 5-20 guys to talk to for a week. Ghost them. Rinse and repeat.

The process of this so gratifying for the lost soul in me. I thought by doing this I am regaining the control I lost when you forced yourself in me.

But all I was doing was running away

All it was just a distraction from the emptiness I felt. Not for you. Never for you and your manipulations. Never for that relationship that started out of me pitying you.

But emptiness because I had forgotten who I am. In the span of 12 months where I play the part of a loving girlfriend, I had forgotten who I truly am.

I had forgotten what I truly love. The ideas of what relationship is to me becomes nothimg but a memories of a distant past.

I cannot remember the wishful thinking I had about first dates and ideal man.

What was left were the toxic comparison of what we had to what I can have.

I found myself but I need more time

In the months that followed, I managed to find pieces of my again. Until I can look at myself and recognize who I am.

I am contented with who I am but I know that I still need to have more time for myself. Because I want to have a healthy relationship after all the toxicity I had endured. But I know I can overcome it all with enough time.

I met him and I felt inadequate

In the days that followed a messy breakup over chat, I told the wind that I will never write anything about someone else again.

A few hundred poems and artworks down the drain made me say that.

But then, a night arrived different than other nights.

I saw him briefly and only talked for a while. Yet my mind and hands felt more alive than they had been. I grabbed my phone and the words wrote themselves.

Reading the poem, I felt scared. Seeing it makes the meeting real, and I do not know if I can handle giving myself a chance again.

The healthy relationship after the toxic one is hard

It triggers my fight and flight responses. I do not know how to act when I am dealing with someone who truly have an idea about healthy boundaries.

While it is still too early to claim that anything is serious, a part of me is still telling me to run. Because this is so different from the toxicity I am used to. But it is too late to pretend that I do not want this.

In the past, I could not play games because some guy wanted all attention.

But now, I can have a few hours to myself without feeling the need to explain why.

Still, it is hard when he does it because the toxicity I was used to is demanding me to know more, to ask for more.

I do not want to just wait for him to come back. I felt like I needed to have his attention all the time because that was how it was back then.

If I couldn't give my attention then that means more mind games.

However, that is not the case anymore. Still, I need to fight myself.

Logically, I know what should happen in a healthy relationship. But the only ground of comparison I have is the toxic one from before.

Just because I know it logically does not stop me sometimes from overthinking and taking everything personally.

I know that we needed some time for ourselves. I need it a lot as well.

But I have to fight myself from feeling abandoned when he needed time for himself. I have to fight my urge to overthink.

The chapter where I endured a relationship I did not want is finally over. But somehow, I did not expect a healthy one to be more challenging. I did not know that it will make me feel this uncomfortable.

Closing words

By the way, when I use the word relationship I do not only mean a romantic one where one is considered as boyfriend and girlfriend. I am referring to some mutual agreement between two parties about what they are to each other be it as boyfriend and girlfriend, friends, or anything they agreed on.

If you noticed, I got distracted when writing this article so I lost the flow of words. Hopefully I still managed to get my point across despite the difference in flow.

The whole point of this article is that it is hard learning how to have a healthy relationship with someone instead of falling back into the toxic pattern I am used to.

I am just lucky to have someone so understanding with me. Someone who is willing to work through our issues by ourselves and with each other.

With him, I learned that it is okay to still be myself and to still do things I enjoy. I am not sure if I can ever tell this to him directly, so I am writing this. Maybe he will come across this and read it HAHA. If not, then I just have to find a way to get the message across.

Thank you for reading my article!

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