@Rettjen

Messengers: Moths and Butterflies Moths and Butterflies My messengers from the spiritual world.   A long, long time ago, when I was young… lolz. My mom either rejoiced or disheartened upon the sight of these beautiful creatures. And I always wondered why? When they’re presence in the house was such a sight to behold. That was long before I understood that they were messengers, -I often saw them in our house. In our long line of family tradition, this came a long way –ages ago. Oh! How these little beautiful creatures crept onto the walls of our house and us –trying to catch to play with them. I remembered them coming in different sizes and there were a lot of huge ones too that I rarely see these days, that big brown butterfly. The catchy thing about the big brown butterfly was, it always looked dead but always found it fascinating to watch it lifting its wings and flew away. Then there was that beautiful black butterfly too, that flew about, teasing watchers – beautiful in black. The moths, they are just around…  in the bathroom, the living room, our room. Hmmm… always wander what the stories these creatures behold on every visit. Lolz. Sorry to make it sound so creepy… Moth’s too are beautiful but they have this sort of creepiness that surrounds their presence, won’t you agree? As I grew, their presence in my life never stopped. And little did I understand the messages it tells until that time, a decade ago I learned. Oh, there were truly stories to tell for each visit and grandma was long dead before I could ask her that and mom, rarely discloses. Messages unfold Ahh… It started with the big black beautiful butterfly who frequently appeared just about everywhere near me. That was before I met my husband. And it stops appearing when I finally met him. About 5 yrs after, moths started to surround us… whenever I came home from work, I always told my husband that his beastfriends were here again, like they were never living him. Most of them landed on his back or landed somewhere near him, the small brown ones. And not long after, I lost him. Even with the obvious, I pushed that aside. Until moths started to flood us again. This time, mama – mama was already old, which was expected. But before mama, they were trailing me about a year ago. Then, butterflies started to appear again, about the same time. Then, I started to doubt if I truly understood those messengers, -even thought I mixed up the messages. Oh! How confusing… tsk! Message manifested and fulfilled These cute and beautiful messengers convey a lot about the stories in this world and the other. But I leave that for you to figure out. Depends how you interpret their presence. Their presence in my life, represents change. Either death or just mere change, stepping up in life – having a family of my own is a change, a great challenge for many of today’s young couples. I think it has something to do with our family’s tradition, that these beautiful-cute creatures bring forth messages as I have mentioned my mom’s reactions whenever she sees these creatures near her. But then again, somethings about to change. I may resent it, how couldn’t I? I’m losing a dear friend in her battle against cervical cancer. Oh! She is aware of these little messengers and truly indeed recognized their presence with sharp accuracy, happened to ask me if they were telling her story is nearing to end? And I deniably answered, of course not. They’re for somebody else. But how could I tell her that? Who am I to take hope away from her… while she is struggling with all her might and despite the confirmation that it has spread to the vaginal walls and is scheduled for a stronger chemo tomorrow (8/19), I still couldn’t dare to confirm. … and yet, the future is still to unfold. Lucky me. I don’t need to answer her just yet. And besides, we all die anyway! It’s just a matter of time, -when? Who knows. Life. Well, thank u for reading my story. Hopefully my readers won’t go frantic about seeing moths that death is knocking at their door or a friend, relative or someone close is going to die. Please, bear in mind we all have our own traditions and this just based on personal experience. We all have different stories to tell, facts differ from one person to another. It’s just that this is my story. In general, moths and butterflies symbolizes changes in our lives. May it be a death of an old self, transitions from young adolescent self to a matured adult self. Me? my mind has always aged before my time, lolz… I’m just sharing to you that I’m glad to have messengers in my life that I can use as a tool, as the future continues to unfold with profound uncertainty… while you? Notice something communicating with you? In general concepts, I think we all have this as we are all interdependent with one another in this physical and spiritual world. Perhaps, if you sit still and observe a little more. Perhaps those whispers are more clear than it used to. God certainly send messengers to keep us informed. So never forget to pray or stop praying. Til next time.

Tragedies As the rain continues to fall, the tears fall. No matter how much is denied, it pains the heart for you to leave. *A tragedy that befalls, about a decade ago, I lost someone who made me a queen. Hmmm… after while, the heart never stopped longing to find another. And it wasn’t long ago, he came. Wow! And was afraid, as it will too, fall short and ends up a tragedy! A life with series of tragedies… unforturnate? …* Ok! ‘twas a sad story. I didn’t get to experience the magic of falling from the sky, so high that you’ll feel your bones break apart from the fall. ? Well, I started late and avoid the “falling from the sky” that hide and seek became a favorite game. Hmmm… anyone would wander why? Well of course, genetics had so much to say. I had both side with spinters and not just 1 or 2 but many to mention and recall, and mind you, confirmed bachelors, so to speak! Tsk! Hahaha! I really don’t qualify to be a spinter, -married and widowed. Tragedy for many, or even I would say it so. Though, im not sad but still, you know what I mean perhaps. Im at the prime of my life and being single isn’t bad after all. I get to decide the things I want to do, go after a hobby that I’d been dying to try and nobody gets a say about it. No husband to worry about if he disagrees or not, ask permission to and so many more. Pardon me, the writer is kinda archaic, im not used to reference as “partner” which is more commonly used to date. I kinda love the feeling when my husband introduced me as his “wife” – though we were only in boyfriend-girlfriend relationship that time and all the more when we tied the knot, it has some sort of security in its claim. A sense of firm grip and commitment – ahhhh! Lolz… hahaha! Wow! Perhaps, the reason why I feel so-like-a-queen that era! Hahaha! Though, him dead doesn’t really reduced the feeling. Only that, I do miss the treatment!!! Waaaaaaaaaaa! Actually so much! Grrr! On the other hand, had to be honest though, it was like a queen-like-treatment but felt like a cage too! Lolz… hahaha! What? ‘twas all contradictory you know!!! Hahaha! There are prices for everything. Fairytale Perhaps every girl dreams of fairytale-like-story for at least once, -the girl inside longs for the prince to come and save the day! The stories that were told from time beyond! Aw! Hmmm… and the passage of time is swift and already skipped that chapter! Oh! How carelessly done but the hide-and-seek was fun though. Re-living the days that passed by, refreshing it seemed to revitalized the almost dull part of life. Amidst the trouble and worries, responsibilities and obligations, rekindling never cease to excite the wailing heart. Perhaps it is the reason why love-drama teleseries are on hype these days. It never fails to spark magic into a dull soul. Hahaha! Oh, well! The price of dreaming is just priceless! Hahaha! Oh! The heart is ever young! that’s what they say “age doesn’t matter!”. Lolz. But my bro hated it when our youngest sister ran off with someone who is 13 yrs younger. It was such surprising act for him and shock-waves went thru his spines!!! Hahaha! Oh my! Ahhh! Its almost a year now and he wasn’t over it, still haunted him. Hahaha! Really, it broke him into pieces… Im older than my bro, it didn’t break my heart. I actually found it amusing. And honestly, if I were her, I don’t have the nerve. Hahaha! Oh no! I could not imagine myself like that! OMG. Hahaha! I had to say I had fun sharing this part. I thought I was going to crash tragedy into oblivion but. Guess tragedy wasn’t tragedy after all. Life is really too short to live in tragedies and worries. I want to live, feel the air while im alive. Fill the heart with exhilarating events that comes out of nowhere! True, we all get to experience pain and struggles, its totally normal. So what? It gets us to level up. It gives us experience. Life is a choice, also a matter of perspective. If you choose to live in pain and struggles, choose. But there is other side of life where we can live through pain and struggle, and in every way growth is possible. Well, I played hide-and-seek in love but in life, I want it real not superficial. I don’t want to pretend. I want it straightforward. I don’t want to masque it whether or not im happy or sad. My life is not a masquerade nor a freak show, its for real. Tragedies are real but the sun sets and rises every day! And tomorrow is another day… another day to look forward! And I very well look forward for another adventure. I may have doubts on how tomorrow will be but, we have today to live. One-step-at-a time! But never forget to pray! It’s the only weapon available all the time. Who knows, my Prince is just hiding behind the wall. Waiting. What is he waiting for? Perhaps for the storm to weather.

Just write Writing, doing it na! Managed to write another article, this was last Saturday... Hmmmm… yey! Im writing! Oh! Really? And yes… I am. Thanks to readcash, im doing it nah and to men who encourage me to write, ARTIicLEE and Glen! Im really grateful. Well at first, I was enticed or lured with the concept of earning as I write articles. And when I actually wrote, well, earning is not as easy as just writing. It’s like you have to put an effort to be recognized and attract people to sponsor you, -your articles. Then a lot more… hahaha! Tsk! But I’m kinda lazy and I want to write just smoothly regardless of getting sponsored or not. So, I’m changing the concept instead. Just write. I have always like to express my thoughts and many of them are out of this world and very much unattractive in the real world. Perhaps, thoughts are too strong or lack of merit or just not very interesting. So, I decided to write. Things I’ve been thinking, some revolutionary items –lolz… I already have posted this so. More to come? Not really sure about that. Im a peace loving woman but will never hesitate to pursue topics that’s triggers interest, regardless. Well, honestly, I am lazy. So to really take time to write is kinda bit tough for me because I usually end up having a lot of excuse. Even making noise at noise, seemed hard for the 1st month because Im not really used to make noise on somebody else’s lot, all the more in a social platform. Though I do rant, whine and a lot more on FB but it was rooted under the roof of friendship, so doing so seems safe! Aw! But in the end, it wasn’t healthy. So getting in here seems, with the almost 100% anonymous, well its kinda my type so let us proceed. For the week I am doing this, I am glad to open word and start typing whatever that comes to my mind. So there is no absolute topic until it comes to focus on the little things that piled up. And I am really happy doing this. I am not at all pressured because I just type in it at work in the wee hours of dawn, when no requests arrive and the coast is clear while sleep is at bay. My mind isn’t fresh but tired and want to let things out. Perhaps it has been tired of keeping a lot of things for years it was has remained, minding its own business and busy stratifying our approach to our so called life and its predicaments. I don’t aspire to be an author but I work in self-publishing company that if I had some manuscripts, I can have it published for free. But I have none, so beat it. Or, if I pursue my menu collection – traditional family recipes, or collection of plants under my sleeve. Hahaha! Now this is getting out of hand. Well, why not… something to read during family holidays or occasions, or something to pass on to my sons. Well, enticing! How’s that for a start? Hahaha! Start small and dream big… amazing. Honestly with all this, the clandestine concept, already is something I am very excited to take on for the rest of the year. There may not be a lot of changes but it is something I look forward of overcoming not shyness but laziness. Keeping a goal at hand and no side tracks, though, I do have results I was looking for and it took years before I got there. And now this, for the inner self that long to come out. Perhaps, I really owe this to myself. At least a safe way of interacting with the world and not really going out since I don’t have much time to spare on my rest hours. Ahhh! Morning is almost here and its not too dark to go out. Breakfast is already at hand and my eyes are now drowsy. Thank u for keeping me company. Til the next chapter! A blessed day everyone.

COVID 19 STORIES 1, School **School, on COVID 19 scenario** Well, it took me a little while before I considered it seriously though. Really, wash hands? Hahaha! Believe me, before I can actually wash my hands, I may already have the infection. December of 2019, I could still remember the buzz at the office. Then HR took precaution already. Sanitizers were all over the workstations. And face masks were already scarce that time. And honestly, I got irritated by the thought people were really buzzing about it. Like they were excited about the spread and it was coming our way! Then, there the shuttles we were supposed to take because public transportation became a target of scrutiny. OMG, by March… it came our way. May came and I couldn’t get to work because of lockdown. It was like, sh**********! It wasn’t fun. The 4 months jobless, wow! It was like, where did the government gone wrong? Releasing aide to those who were never really working before covid and the ones who lost their jobs never get the assistance intended for them. A lot of controversies my gosh… *****School***** The government justify running the school by “**BILL OF RIGHTS**”, right to education. Ok! so, the parents unemployed and the children still gets education but no more eating na? We are low on budget, children get manuals and teachers ask for financial aide for beautification. *****Controversies***** Wow! The teachers keeps on asking for financial aide (parents-teacher)??? Makes me wonder. We are jobless because we cant go to work due to lockdown and they still ask for some amount because… SCHOOL PROJECTS? BEAUTIFICATION? I mean, seriously? Are they even thinking? And there was one teacher that really saddens me because she was really adamant when asking the girl of their contribution because today is the deadline. Though it was just a hundred but… ??? WALA LAGI WORK… where will the parents get the money when there is no work! Arrgggg! Frustrating isn’t it? Oh! Please, don’t blackmail me on proofs because I sent money using GCASH and I have the messages from the teachers saying so!!! I really wouldn’t be blabbering about this if I didn’t have proof… and I used to have neighbors who will not hesitate to attest and talk about it. Many has stories but kept their mouth shut, I really don’t know why? Why the silence? Ah! Though, I understand why the silence. Parents who blab gets to be slandered by teachers and if they complained, then burden of proof. Get to be slandered by teacher again who’ll join hand in hand for a cover up? Hahaha! Conspiracy theory? Oh! Please! It really does happen, only a few admits… not sometimes, its happening. Not everyone has the courage to stand up for the righteousness but hide themselves like cowards, that’s the truth. So, many suffers and have to endure. Well, I do get the 25kilo sack distributed and another 5kilos and 5sardines from the barangay but those were aide from private sectors. Why oh why… OMG… now that school is pressing on opening this year. I get to encounter another chaka like this. *****School year 2021-2022 - the system***** Ok, enrolment via FB. Got it. Then, got a call and message from the teacher, telling me that for transferees to be enrolled they need the following requirements: 1.       Card 2.       Barangay clearance 3.       Water/electric bill Im good with the requirements but I transferred residence. I already live in the city because I don’t want to go jobless again for another months just because government decided to do lockdown again due to increasing cases. Their cards are in the provinces. Sigh! Grrr… cant they just request for the cards to be transferred or sent to them via email/FB/messenger. They are same, public schools. Public schools already have ID system and that they’re centralized already. Don’t the principals have access to centralized form 137 for those transferees… they can just sit on that for hours and secure it with click of a mouse. Grrrrr… yeah, principals went schooling for MASTER IN PUBLIC ADMINISTRATION and yet they cannot seem to implement a systemic way of synchronizing their systems with the current need. Before they graduate they have to submit theses and defend it and now, cant manage to make smooth enrolment flow? Worst, teachers were sent to attend seminars for enhancement? Aha?... our tax money used and they couldn’t even make things good for us taxpayers? *****Fruatrations***** Im sorry, I may be asking so much. Its just that we spend so much on teacher trainings and we are really receiving mediocre performance from these people. Worst, they even asks money when like I said, how? When we were unemployed or underemployed. Producing the requirements this times is really hard as travelling is restricted and very much monitored. Hahaha! I already told my boys, if I cannot have your cards by next week, you will skip school this year. They just said, ok. They were even glad that they’ll take a break from all those manuals they’re going to answer. Hahaha! Really that worst? Oh! Hell yes! I never want to rant about school but I was really pissed by how teachers pressingly asked financial aide in the midst of unemployment or underemployment and not seem to be around when I asked for my sons cards! Like I communicated August 10 and I just got the reply yesterday, September 9? And school starts next week? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! *****Retaliation? Resolve***** I am so sorry for those who will read with relatives working as teachers in public schools. I too have one and we really barely understand each other because she would insist on this and not look for alternative that makes things more convenient. Its just that, its about time for us to change the system. We shouldn’t be tolerant on this matter. Its been happening, we ought this change to our children and grandchildren. And most of all, those families that couldn’t defend themselves. The ones who cannot read and write. Thank u. just expressing my thoughts. Ps. I want post the photo but I can't, I'm using my smartphone to post thi article. Perhaps I can insert it later.

Finally, a Goal! Gosh! I’m not sure but I am glad I browsed through ARTicLEE’s articles. I am totally grateful to this guy who has been generous with my articles and gave me upvotes. Oh! Really, thank u so much. And another guy who invited me here, Glen!!! And thank u too for your generosity, to both of you. God bless. Really, im not sure if I am motivated or not but this is just my 2nd article for the day! Woottt! Hihihi… inspired? Oh!!! Hardly but I finally found a goal. And perhaps another guy that sparks the interest is a classmate of mine from high school. Hmmm… His post sparks something in me. The details of his post is that he shows a video of him and his wife going through the paper bills they were able to set aside (alkansya) during pandemic. And photos of him carrying the goods he bought from grocery, -his motorcycle fully loaded. And another photo of him showing he was able to purchase a new ref for his store. And saying that just one-step-at-a-time. Little by little his goals will be achieved. Set it and focus on it. Hahaha! And I honestly, started to envy them. Hmmm… Im not embarrassed but I’d like to copy them. I want that too, to get hold of my goals, and just perhaps. Little by little, results will come. Though, I’m having the results I expected but I really envy them. And really good job for them. So, my goal. Hmmm… I have lots of projects in mind and I don’t pay much let alone debts to pay and two mouths to feed and they’re bigger every day. In short I need to augment my earnings to meet the increasing demands of my household. Ouch! I have no other means of income but with what my classmate showed me, I couldn’t deny myself that hope is at hand. There is a way. While I cannot rely on writing because I don’t write good but it does take some compelling emotions or stresses out though. It can be beneficial so I’m keeping the writing. And in time, little by little collecting the upvotes monetary value then it will be some amount in time. Perhaps! Hahaha! Well, lobbying for sponsorship is not allowed so I have to keep on writing to attract? Oh! I wouldn’t want to keep my hopes high because like I said, im not a good writer… lolz. Well, set it and focus. Ok, here it goes: 1.       Pay off debts from a friend, incurred during last year’s lockdown, 4 months with no income so and thus. 2.       Projects. a.       Oven/kitchen ware b.       Tools Well, I have income from salary and im not good in finding additional income. Like I said, I am not good in making faces so. What I am good at is I know how to find ways to save, so, saving is the key. I should start with what im really good at and work my way through. I am glad and appreciate that I do get some assistance with siblings before but I don’t want to pay the price of dependence. So cut it off already and Im truly glad for it. So, I sought for independent sources where I can immediately borrow funds when needed. Gcash and billease, these two has been a great help for me during pandemic. Patience, patience, patience. Better independent sources, family help can be too overly stressful and too extended, they never let you live your life, thinking they have the right meddle. I still have the remainder of the year to meet this goal, the remaining quarter. Well, I do hope to do well on this. Its nothing much but this is good to start with. Good luck.

An Intro, “Myself” An Intro “Myself”   Oopsss! How indifferent of me to be on read for a month now and haven’t introduced myself. Well, I was so keen to anonymity that I forgot the decency of introduction. Well… my apologies. I was introduced to this site my co-worker and I got excited, because I get to do writing and enjoy the anonymity to post articles without the unnecessary guilt or embarrassment of expressing my thoughts… unlike other social media platforms such as facebook, -im not really into other social media because it feels like all the feeds going on there spins my head… lolz. Me, un-updated on the current news and events? Oh no! I am, its just that I am kinda choosy on the topic I get interested with. Well, my name is… RETTJEN is a combination of my hubby (deceased) and my name. although he’s been gone for almost a decade now but I’m still using the name… hmmm… gotten used to it perhaps?! A single mom of two beautiful boys… one is at his adolescence and the other is just a boy. Raising them, well wasn’t really a mess but it was all complicated u know. Back then, my mom immediately packed up our things about 3 days after his burial. What was I supposed to do? I really didn’t have the time to think about it and how could you when the house was already empty and all our things were transported back to my parent’s house. So, by virtue of no choice, we lived with my parents. Back to mom again when I actually choose to get out of the house when my hubby couldn’t decide to live – well, his reasons was “ he was dying and he had no way of knowing how I could get by alone with kids”. Char! (HE NEVER TOLD ME HE WAS TERMINALLY ILL, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE WAS DYING –yeah, im still angry about it til now, hahaha!…)??? well, the truth is… I do suck at kids. Tsk! Okay! I don’t wanna go back reminiscing… the what ifs and nots because… if I hadn’t gone back, mama would have died too. So! Leave it be! Now, mama is gone… her battle ended last feb 24.  hmmmm… finally! On our own. It was a very long inconvenient process but wow! We are finally on our own and still, (sighhhhh), my siblings are still trying to bring us back or separate my kids from me. Wow! When will I ever get out of the grip… anyway, so much about that, God released me from there… and He will keep it that way. Sorry for the dramas… Well, I am not a writer. Tried to do blogging but I just don’t know how… lolz… my writing skills sucks, really! No kidding. It is the reason why I get stressed if I really were to push myself making an article a day. I am not into social media, I was on facebook about a decade now because of the people I worked with, going along with them… so, well, im not sociable… not that I keep to myself but I do prefer the solace of my own company… I really don’t have so many friends, I only keep a few, bunch of them and one is actually in battle with cancer. Although, medicare is not a problem in auzie but the thought that she is alone in the hospital for most time because… and she has a husband with 2 kids? Well… one thing I hate is pretend to like someone I don’t, and I really can’t behave myself and get along. I really don’t know why but I hate it when im wearing a mask all the time and take if off when nobody sees… hahaha! Ok! I always avoid getting noticed. Why? I am not sure… kinda shy but not really out of no self-confidence. It’s actually reverse, I’m more comfortable and confident alone. Mind you, I consider myself a bully, no one bullies me at school. They call me ‘maldita/snabera’ and  I don’t know how to translate it. So, I settle with mediocrity and play dumb (even at work) most of the time until they come to engage me. Yes, I am truly different from the norms. Its been me for years. The social media I’m so fond of these days, and over the years, is PINTEREST. Oh! I love visiting it and quite addictive. Why Pinterest? Well, it supports my inclination towards crafts, now im doing carpentry – making cabinets and all, gardening, cooking and hoping to do knitting, though I know how to crochet but I prefer to learn knitting. Perhaps one of these days, I was really hoping to learn before the end of the year. Ahh! The list of projects and now it’s Christmas! And I love it that we are on our own all because I get to do all the things I’d love to do without any reprimand because we are living on our own. Rented a studio room because an apartment is way too big for us, we don’t have furniture to begin with, just our bed. Really starting from scratch. Oopps! I got carried away… It feels like I have written so much and it think I should be parking my pen now. Thank u for sharing your time. God bless.

Come Back Come back! Hmmm… her mind says “go” but her heart says “stay and be mine forever!”. How much does it cost for him to stay? How much can she afford? Or, can she afford it? Oh! Life is a matter so simple yet so complicated. On the other hand, would he choose to stay? Ugh!!!  She has no idea. What is she willing to give for him to stay? What will he give if he stays? Wow! How far will she go for him to stay? How far will he go, just to stay?  But in the end, will he stay? Grrrr… really don’t have any idea! Just when she found the guy she like and here he is… so near and yet so far! Couldn’t even… and they don’t even talk. Haaaa! Why are you so evasive…? she only means to have a glimpse of what’s it is to spend a day with you… perhaps a week or two… or more, month to months? Now, the numbers had grown… hahaha! Waaaaaaaaaaaaa…. hmmm… what a pity! Just when she finally found an interest, and found herself wandering about on the what’s and why’s and the how’s… how long must you evade the questions she longed for answers? Why? Why you invade her peace and brought wreck to her space? Just when you finally had her attention, you simply vanished? And now her heart longs for that little presence… at least, that tiny glimpse of hope that your still there, listening, waiting for the right moment to appear! It’s been a while and the longing grows. The heart is longing, the longer you linger. Trusting that you’d be there, even just for a little while. And the heart says, “little while longer, please!”. But… sad, reality bites. Everything comes to an end. Oh my, why does it had to be? Pewww! A short-lived fantasy hidden in the recesses of her mind… a could be wondering where the road end in two parts, either they stay or go on separate ways… Now left figuring out the pieces of her space left behind the remnants of your visit. Why did you ever come? What wrong did she do to you for you to wreck her peaceful abode… when she only wants to live peacefully? But the yearning grows as you stayed… each time you drop by, pieces of memories are formed without even trying much… and it pains to know you are no longer there! Oh, what a tragedy! But you have to go! That’s the mind saying… you were such a rogue in the first place. Highly unstable to understand and behold. Yet, the longing lingers… yes, the yearning stays and live… but in time it will fade. The heart pains to know you should go! But the heart doesn’t know if there was a reason to stay. How unfortunate! If she only knew what will make you stay… but you stayed aback all those times. Watching from afar! How could you just do that? Just watching… lingering for an hour or two, or more for a day… two or week, then just vanish without a hint of goodbyes. Leaving the heart longing for more days! Saying “come back… oh! Please come back!”… and now the mind intervenes, for it knows its hopeless… and the heart knows you are gone but the it still longs… for you to be around… and the tears finally started to fall… for it has been a while since you were gone… And the mind cuddles the heart saying “it is for the best.” Really? And the heart asks, “why does it aches?”. And with all honesty, at the recess of her mind, “come back!”…

My bestfriend I called “Mama” ***A tribute to mama***.   Ahhh! Its such a comforting sense of belonging to have her around each day. Never actually thought that I am already at the point where she is gone! Oh! How I missed her! I used to be dumb-headed whenever I hear people revere their mom. Saying that “you are lucky you still have your mom” speech and all that. However, now she is gone… well… she is truly gone.   ***Growing Up.*** I had always been a misfit growing up. Being criticized that my mind had aged before my time. Well, I really can’t blame myself for that because I seemed to be with my mom always and almost all of the time if I was at home. Doing what? Doing almost anything with her, from household chores to making money out of thin air? Well, were not well off and still not well off as of this writing, lolz… we had to find ways to earn. And true to it, we did. Mom was not really a cook. She spent 15 years working as a secretary and became an instant housewife because she decided to marry papa… hahaha! I can’t imagine how frustrating that was for her when she hated to be at home all the time. It was like prison to her. “Maboang si mama kun sa balay lang”, - oh! How do I translate this to English… hmmm… sounded like this, mama gets crazy if shed stay all day in the house. Some kinda tone like that… hahaha! Wow! Mama really suffered tremendously, like a shattered glass that she really had to pick herself up everytime she crumbles into pieces… and it was almost like that everyday. I could still remember how she was when panic attacks was around the corner. Like that very hot day at noon, that we would all go (5 children), dragging everyone to the park, just to breathe… bringing with us a vacuum flask, and mom, all packed up, -wearing a sweater and a knitted coat. Like you would wander why she was all dressed up like that, good if the weather was bad but it was hot!, for crying out loud. And with a vacuum flask? What would she do with the vacuum flask? Well, what would you do with a vacuum flask those days? Drink hot water of course… but on a hot noon time? Pretty much of a question. Remembering those days! Mama laughed with us. Hmmm, along the way… her journey… I guessed she healed from her brokenness as she got older. ***Being with her.*** Mama was… hahaha! I don’t know, just allow me to describe her. My siblings complained about me always with mama but that wasn’t really true. Circumstance placed me there.  My siblings wanted to be with her but she was a perfectionist. At first all of them would entertain mama with their stories and all, in a while, they all started fleeing… I really don’t know why… another times, they were all willing to help her but after a while everyone was struggling to get out and escape. Well, I didn’t do both, so I was left to be with mama again and finish what everyone else started. Actually, found it amusing knowing how I stayed there for far too long. Reflecting, yeah, I stayed because I couldn’t find myself leaving her when everyone else left! ***Memories***… Hmmmm… oh no! I’d be sharing this… we used to laugh at things she did. Like, when we rented a house with 4 tamarind trees. As already mentioned, we were finding ways to earn. So she commissioned our neighbor to harvest the tamarind fruits so she we can cook it and make tamarindo candy out of it or sell the tamarind per kilo. Oh! The tamarind is not the funny story, but it was the one she commissioned. The nephew of that guy we call “dungkot”, he was around the premise and doing something mama didn’t like or approve. So mama told him to stop, but “dungkot” was adamant and wouldn’t listen. Mama said like, “dika mo undang? Gukdon taka ug sundang…” (u wont stop? I will chase you with a tip bolo)… and “dungkot” replied: “gukda!” (chase me!)… well, mama picked up the bolo and went off and chase “dungkot”… and the boy actually ran off with mama chasing him with that on her hand. After the chase, she laughed because the boy ran off scared… and we all know it was just a joke, we all laughed but poor “dungkot” nahadlok intawn (scared off). Ohhh! Another memory… same place. Hahaha! Mama was pissed with all the ducks coming into our lawn. She was so pissed that she led 3 ducks into the house and made them all baked patutin… hihihi! The owners never knew where those ducks went and what became of them, “baked patutin”… hahaha! Oh! When mama jokes… never mind… ***Revering mama…*** I don’t want to go there… revering mama only because… if mama were here, it would have been… the what ifs… I don’t want it to be just that… I want to remember mama because mama is mama… simply because she is my mom and no one in the world can take that away from me. And no one can ever replace her, the memories we shared, the laughs and cries. Cherishing, every moment we had is precious to me. That spending time with her is as important as eating a meal or sleeping, and simply not an obligation. I don’t want to go there, crying because she is dead. I didn’t want to just recall those times and failed to spend time with her. I wouldn’t want to go there and thank God I didn’t have to. No, I thank God for making me stay when all of my siblings ran away. I don’t want to go babbling I love mama so much but ran away from her. Professing love for mama to all my friends when I was never around to care for her! I wouldn’t want to end up asking myself where were I when mama asked for me? I thank God I was just around during those times but… mama was sick and everyone else flees back to her side and cried when she went on coma. I wander how that was… crying when mama couldn’t see you cry anymore nor hear you say I love you. I already started backing off, letting them care for mama when they all came home. Oh! How mama accommodated those tears, she fought, struggle to come back but her body has deteriorated so much. Oh! Mothers are such! Dragons, hellfire and totally and exceptionally amazing! … Hmmm… If your mom is still with you. Let her know what she means to you. Let her feel that you love her. For you can never let her know and feel when she is dead. Spend time with her like tomorrow will never come. Call her when your afar! Make sure she knows you are safe for she never stopped worrying about you. If she invades your privacy, give her mama allowance like you give friendship allowances to those friend who did you wrong. Now that im a mom of two boys... Invading my children’s privacy is really my business so they suck it up, whether they like it or not, I am committed to my role. lolz Oh! My boys already know this, and already had activated mama allowance, so they are quite accustomed to it by now… This is just me, missing mama! But it really more like telling you, its not too late. Let her know. It’s not because she deserves it to for all her sacrifices… she is just mom u know. Someone we have, no matter what.   Again, thank u for your time. Till next time.

Restless Rouge Thought of giving it a title "Love Story", but... Decided not because its hardly a love story.   ***Will wait for you till the day I can forget you or till the day you realize you cannot forget me.***   Love... an all-time favorite.. never fails to capture a soul... warms the heart. Worth writing about? Hmmm... What do I have to share when I turned my back on a chance, years behind. And years had passed, chances came by knocking the door once in 2018 and lost. And perhaps another one this year? Oh! Sounds interesting? Then, let's get started shall we...   I have been around for a while. Now at my prime, I have never expected for something like this again, came knocking my door.  I’ve been there once and unfortunately, his life was short. He was only sick one day, and was gone the next… Leaving us behind putting back the pieces together. His joy, his most awaited, rejoiced at a first glance of his photo, expecting a response… but how can a picture response to an infant as he was happy to see that familiar face again after a month-long… as that was all that’s left of him for the child while I, he gave me his name… then 3 years came by and my blessing was born, but it ended as soon as it started, it didn’t work out as intended.   It wasn’t long that I got invited to a gathering of long lost friends (highschool buddies), then we all see each other again, and tagging along his joy and my blessing, them witnessing friendships blossomed in time. And unexpectedly,a beautiful love affair flourished from a long lost love (this is not mine), our long cherished highschool sweethearts begun their journey. A long winding road, hoping to tie it forever soon. Well, theirs is another story to tell. And they all blamed me for teasing them! As so their love story begun. In the group of friends, welcome homage to stranger that I was once. Little did I know something else was flourishing… or it had its roots way back from long time ago? I wouldn't have guessed it because I was snob and quarrelsome (snabera/maldita?), as they all claimed, lolz. A restless Rouge locked his eyes on me as we stumble upon each other in an occasion that is yearly celebrated. Year after year, he saw me and yet wandered why the attention he sought for did not flourished. Oh yes, not until years after. Little did he know, the attention he sought for was already flourishing. Restless rouge, whose name I couldn’t remember, became a regular in this group gathering as the years passed by, - this was once played by a beautiful friend who became scarces after my blessing was born. Yes, I couldn’t remember his name and for years, I avoided him because I really just couldn’t remember his name. Tried making a roll call of all friends at boys camp, I remembered everyone except his. Then I tried asking Mam (because she is a teacher) and love interest of the highschol sweetheart who is boys camp base, but before I could finish his name, I easy forgot. And I don't want to ask Mam again, she'd scold me if i did (somewhat afraid or embarrassed, hihihi) But not long, his name was pounded into my head by a lonely someone, whom we picked up along the way. She lost her battle with her guy, depressed for years and claimed to be resurrected by the fun she had with group. Her friendship mattered but was destroyed over attention for restless rouge. Well, who would have blamed him? Restless rouge has a killer looks and charms, not to mention a good sense of humor, a witty wolf. Their friendship flourished too and they are more friends than we were, and her family fell in love with him. Oh! It got complicated and im at the center of the turbulence. Hahaha! Oh my goodness.    She created schemes that I cannot succumbed and… tadang… friendship off! And I was happy! Definitely. Recalling, it didn’t end well. The group never came around and I refuse to be part of that again. I hate it when people try to cover up something they'd do and make u an excuse because they can't handle it? No, she a parent, she should bear the fruits of her action. But, unfortunately... I'm not saying, it's bad to fall in love but being tied to someone else while falling for restless Rouge... Oh well!, If I were to come around, well, she will have to step up and come out clean, and have to admit to her scheming but that’s something im not looking forward. Cowards are cowards and there is nothing you can do about it. Years gone by, I thought it was over. We all stopped even with simple chats and greetings came to a point of unfriending them all for the sake of privacy. Yeah, just a thought, lonely gurl kept on publishing photos she missed and the others as well, trying to solicit another get-together once again, but already blocked her. Well, that’s whats left of her, fled to somewhere she claimed patching up with her guy while her guy’s forming another family of his own... So unfortunate for her. Couldn’t sympathize though no matter how much I would like to do so. Well, as for me... I thought it was all over, for years had gone by. And then, restless Rouge begun resurfacing,-on the evening of Easter Monday... There he was, full gear, riding his motorcycle while I walked down the road. On my way to shuttle pick up area by the highway, going to work. Hmmm... I wander what he is up to. To be continued... I'm not sure how this goes, I'm new to writing.. Please leave a like or a comment so I would know how to improve... Thank u for ur time, till next time.