It is hard to keep up

Do you ever feel so lost? Have you ever felt like everything is moving too fast?

And you just can't seem to keep up. Well, I want to share my experience.

But before that, let me introduce you to my fabulous sponsors. Check out their articles when you want to read some interesting topics.

Going back to what I was saying before, the feeling of not being able to keep up is probably something that I have felt a lot.

It is hard to keep up with the pressure I put on myself

As a child it was because I was consistently on the honors roll. Yet, as time went by, what I achieved is not enough. I needed to top that test. I needed to be better. I needed to outperform everyone.

It is hard to keep up with expectations. It is hard to feel like my report card shows my work.

I know that my parents love me just the same whether I was part of Top or not. But as a child, I could just how much joy it brings them to see me be a part of achievers.

In my past self's mind, it meant that my parents will not be happy with me if I stopped being an achiever. So I never did.

It was a self imposed torture. To align my worth for something as silly as grades, and then be proud when they make my parents smile, be sad when they did not.

It is hard to keep up being an obedient daughter

I had been a people pleaser as a child. I think even now, that part of me still definitely exists.

I had been afraid to say no because it will sound rude. I had been quiet because I did not want to interrupt. I shared my toys because that is what a good sister does.

I followed my parent"s' rules and never lied to them. I listened and took everything they said to heart.

It was hard keeping up with that version of me.

It is hard to keep up being known as smart or gifted

As a child, people praise me for my grades. Although some phrase me for my face. "Black beauty" is what they told my parents.

For others, I was "beauty and brains". I do not why this made my parents proud but it did. So naive little me decided to always live up to that phrase.

This for some reason made other people believe they have a right to tell me that I need to eat more because I look like a skeleton. Then when I gained a bit of weight it was, "you need to eat less". When they heard I did not aced an exam they would shake their heads as if I had somehow disappointed them. Even though they are literal strangers to me.

It is difficult to be known as that and nothing else.

My father said this to me once

There was a time when little me called my classmates, "my rivals" in academics. My father laughed and gently told me not to see others as my rivals or enemies. I should just focus on myself and compete with my own achievements.

It is a sound advice. It will take away the need for comparisons with people who have different background as me and will help me stay focused.

For years this advice is the one I cling on. Until suddenly the advice was not enough to keep me from over-analyzing things.

The hardest thing is keeping up with my past achievements

I had been a consistent achiever known for her academic feats. But few people know of my creative side. All they know is the report cards they saw. All they see are the medals on the wall, the certificates and ribbons as well.

I think back to that times and I cannot help but feel that I am not enough.

How could someone who could could barely bear to look at her face or read her notes be the same girl who was once known as "beauty and brains"?

How could I keep up with that tag around me without feeling suffocated by it?

How can I escape being known as someone smart or wise? Someone who can give answers or if she cannot, she would know where to find one.

How could I be better than the girl who was granted a spot in a scholarship which were eyed by many hopefuls?

I am not the same person that I was

The more I had time to spent with myself, the more I get to know who I really am.

The more I understand that all those times I was just going through the motions of what was expected of me.

That "obedient" girl was the people pleaser in me. A personification of my insecurity of not being acknowledged.

The "black beauty" that had been attached to my name has never been in my control. I have been born with this face whether I like it or not.

The "smart" girl I had been was never really that smart to begin with. Just lucky that exams are multiple choices and it was easy to deduce which are the wrong ones even if I only listened to my classmates as they review for the exams.

Those versions of me are me but they are no longer me. Or well they are no longer the main part of who I am.

I still do not know who I am right now or who I want to be.

I am unsure whether I am ready to give up the words that have become embedded onto who I am.

Sometimes, I dream about a life where I could just leave everything behind and start over to a place where no one has any clue who I am and who I had been.

I could crochet all day long and no one will bat an eye.

I could leave the academics world and no one will be surprised. No comments on how I did well on research or on anything.

I could stop being the smart kid but a creative one. I would mot even have to hear words like useless and not meaningful that people used to describe what I love doing.

Past self how do I keep up?

How can I feel beautiful when I could barely look into my reflection? How can I feel that smart again when I cannot even stand reading or studying anymore? How can I learn when the things I want to learn are "useless"?

How can I keep up with who I was before?

No matter how much I achieved today or tomorrow, there is that feeling in me that is somehow sure that I will never be able to keep up with you, past self.

Because you had been happy then.

You might be living to the expectations of others but you were happy. Or atleast you believed you are happy.

I might never be able to keep up with the memories of who I was but I guess I could learn to stop this nonsense comparisons.

There is no need to keep up anymore. I am not doing this whole "treat yourself as your competitor" thing any longer.

I changed a lot.

Past me excelled in things that I barely cared about anymore. But past me did not experience the satisfaction of doing what I can today.

Past me was praised and in turn feel happy. But now I can feel happy without outside validation, and I also embrace emotions that I used to shy away from.

Past me was me. And a part of me will carry that piece of myself always.

However, past me exists only in my memory now. It is important to finally let her be, instead of hyping her up to become my greatest rival.

I could not keep up, but I did not need to

I might never be able to achieve the things you had achieved in academics, nor the closeness gained eith others. I might never be addressed as prettt again or gifted or smart.

I might never be able to keep up with that memory of me. I might never be able to keep carrying the tags given to me.

But I no longer needed to. This time, I am accepting my past fully recognizing that it had served its purpose. This time, I am embracing my present self without feeling the need to one up my past achievements.

Those days were gone. And there are so many things I still want to explore. I do not need to be held back by the past achievements I had.

Sorry I am inactive with interacting with you. I try my best to drop by but I am usually a few hours late. My notifications keep adding up but I do not have the energy to go through them most times. I am dealing with some personal matters that needed to be sort out, and they are hard to ignore just so I can exist in this space as someone hiding behind her pseudo-name.

Anyway if you want someone to talk to about random things, you can find me here:

Telegram: @zehrasky

noise.cash: ZehraSky

Tumblr: Zehrasky

Thank you for reading this article. To show my appreciation, please accept a small gift I have for my first reader.

https://branch.wallet.bitcoin.com/dVmM2OtfAib