Feeling green

Green as a color has a lot of words associated with it. It could mean a fresh start like calling someone green at their job. It might also mean life just like how lively the colors of the leaves are.

In our country, to call someone green-minded means that the person has a dirty mind.

Green is also associated with envy. The popular phrase used would be "her face turned green when she saw the flowers he gave someone else".

Today, I am feeling green. I know that a lot of people have this notion that there are negative emotions and that they should be buried or withheld.

But for me, I acknowledge every emotions that I feel. I recognize that each of them exists for a reason and that I must not ignore the "negative" ones to favor the "positive".

Positive emotions usually include happiness, love, gratefulness, and more. On the other hand, negative emotions include sadness, anger, envy, and more.

Today, I am feeling green. Yes, I feel envy. I also feel shame for feeling it. I also feel guilty for thinking about it.

So I am writing about why.

To be honest, it is not just today. I have been feeling green since the end of June.

It is a shameful thing to admit but I feel safe sharing it here since everyone is nicer than I expected.

I feel envious of my past self.

What do I mean?

Well, the articles that my past self wrote usually catch the attention of others. My past self also feels happier about little things.

I am envious that she is so proud and happy to receive a $0.30 upvote by the @TheRandomRewarder that she even posted it at noise.cash.

I feel envious that everytime she looks at her article, she feels happy and proud.

It has only been a short time but that version of me feels so different from who I am now.

Instead of joy, I feel anxious when I logged in to my read.cash account.

Instead of excitement when I look at my BCH wallet, I feel pressured to make more. I feel guilty for spending.

I know.

I know what you are thinking.

I know what you are going to say.

I also told myself that. Logically, I know that BCH is real money so I should spend it when I want to and when I need to.

But I feel envy of my past self, she never felt guilty when cashing out the BCH she received. She always felt so grateful and happy.

However, that is not the same for me anymore. More often than not, I will search for BCH price prediction first when I think of withdrawing some money. I keep thinking that the value will increase more so I should wait.

The happiness turned into obsession. The appreciation became envy.

Envy of who I used to be. Pity to who I have become. Guilt for what I am feeling. Shame for even sharing it with anyone.

I went back to my first article. I mentioned something about starting my writing journey here as part of my self-love adventure.

I thought I was doing so well and now I am here. Stuck in a pit hole.

I could come out and put on a mask. Say I am fine and write as if nothing bothers me but I know better than to do that.

If I do that then I will lying to myself. I will be nitpicking part of who I am.

So I am writing this article to tell myself that it is okay to feel what I am feeling. That stumbling is part of the journey.

I am feeling green today, and maybe for a few more days in the future. But there will a day when I will be okay again. Until then, I will leave this here. Maybe someone needed to read these words too.