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I don't know if this story is worth sharing but I feel the urge to write it anyway. I want to share with you the deepness of my mind while being judge by the people around me.
Your wondering why the lead image isn't a chopping board but a puppy. It's because I couldn't see the chopping board right after I broke it because mom had thrown it away. It is because that thing you see is the reason why I broke the chopping board.
I was too furious that I broke the chopping board the last day, because of that cute puppy running to and fro while I was cooking. It's been an hour that I am in the kitchen, fighting with the smoke that makes my eyes hurt and teary. I had been struggling with it since the northeast monsoon is blowing so hard and our kitchen is open. While this cute little animal here that is already one hour that I had been trying to get rid of wasn't even listening and I am almost at the peak of my short temperedness. The heat coming from the fire, the pressure due to long hour of standing, the smoke that makes my eyes hurt and the constant blowing of the wood in order to lit the fire and continue to cook adds up the reason of my hot headedness. I don't hate pets it's just I dislike them of being so stubborn. It keep coming back in my footsteps everytime I am asking it to leave me alone. I had to make it get away from me in order for me not to step him, and for me not to be out balance or worse fell whenever I go back and forth in the kitchen. Even worse if it would bite me when I could step into him.
And the later happened so fast. I step into the puppy and then I was shocked as he tried to bite me. I was in a hurry not to burn my dish. And since the wind blows so hard and the woods keeps on getting out of fire, I decided to get something as a fan for me not to constantly blow the wood. As I am in a hurry the chopping board was the one I get in the sink. As I made my way back to the kitchen, I step on the puppy and he wanted to bite me. I was so furious because of the thought "I told you to get out of my way" (nang gigil ako super, I didn't say anything) trying to smash him with the chopping board but I didn't hit him on purpose. To satisfy my anger, I smash the chopping board in the post near me, making it break into pieces.
Mom, was shocked. So as dad. While I was holding the boiling pressure inside me. I didn't speak. I continue cooking and made my way into the room as I finished. Mom was furious with the puppy and tried to scold him. Spang him with the sweep and asking him to leave before she would kill him. Dad was furious with me because I broke the chopping board, breaking things while being angry isn't good as of him. He has a good point though. I could hear them mumuring in the kitchen, but I didn't tried to speak up because I know I am still in the pick of my anger too.
There were few reasons why I chose to break the chopping board than hurting the puppy.
I made a promise
Long ago I had tribble manners of hurting animals. Different animals, dogs, cats, chicken, ants name it, I fear nothing. As long as it harm me or cost any trouble to me.
I remember how I almost kill our dog when he put stain unto my neat, and new iron uniform that I work hard just to be presentable in school. I even chase the dog with long knife in my hand due to so much anger. I curse the dog and cast him. I told him not to go home again, for if I see even his shadow I will surely kill him. The poor dog didn't go home for many days. Mom was so worried that time.
I almost kill the cat that I smash in the wall because he stole my food in the table. I thought I killed him that time. He wasn't able to move for few seconds.
Also the chicken that was so naughty and ill-mannered, wanting all the food I gave in the backyard. I smash her with the woods and chase her wherever she goes. And promise her I would plock all her feathers if I see her.
Funny as it may seem but it was a very bad manners of mine that I disliked and regretted. It ended when I grow up thanks to God. And from there on promise not to hurt any animals anymore.
He is just a puppy
He is just a puppy, while I am a human. Who's got to have the ability to think higher? Me right? Because I am the human being. So, I had much more lapses than the puppy. I know he is sweet and trying to catch attention. I can just put him in a caged right? Or tied him up for him not to keep on coming back? but I failed that's why I faced the consequences. I had to accept the lapses that I made, and took all the responsibility.
He has life
He has life. I chose not to hit him because I know that if I started hitting him I won't stop until I get satisfied and see him stop moving and would no longer be running here and there.
He has life that I am not worthy to end. He has life like mine too. Even causing him misery, I am not worthy.
God is the owner of life. No one has the right to get life than Him.
Yesterday, I brought a new chopping board. I need to buy one in order for me to stop being guilty and for my conscience to stop mocking me. As per dad said, chopping board is important in the kitchen, and it's true.
I am bit guilty breaking the chopping board but I am thankful that I didn't kill the puppy. I could still replace the chopping board but not the life of the puppy. I know breaking the chopping board isn't the very good option there but I need to chose wisely. I need to have an outlet for my anger to came out and composed myself. I know I had struggle dealing with my short-tempered attitude. I have been working with it. Anyhow I am proud of myself for keeping my promise not to hurt animals ever again, not blaming the puppy for the irresponsible act I have done instead accepted my lapses, and valueing life above anything else. Its was sudden and abrupt situation but I acted may be not the best way but still right.
I asked apology to mom yesterday of how I acted and handed her the new chopping board. She was happy I got to chose her favorite color. Well, it lighten up the guilt. I am not still close with Bait, the puppy, ever since he came in the house, but I didn't put grudge or hatred to him. I just don't want to get attached to any pets anymore. I had my trauma.