Frustrated "___" .

If you were to complete the title, what dream/s do you have in your heart that just happened to be your hashtag frustration/s?

From the title itself, you can conclude how a person didn't get the result he/ she ever wanted. Have you ever been that desperate to know or learn a skill but you never learned it? Wondering why the world seems in favor to most people but your dreams were just so hard to achieve?

The pandemic passed and most people already unlocked their long-lost talents but here you are still the same. Trying to discover things on your own, at your own pace. Sounds familiar? Didn't it happen to you? Not at once?

I have experienced those, I have had two most desired dreams before. One is being a nurse and the other is being a musician.

There is this one teacher in my second year of high school who motivated me to study well and make my dreams come true. Knowing that I excel in Science and math as my second best, she was so proud whenever I had awards even after our teacher-student tenure.

However, at some point in my life, I had to forget my first dream, my childhood dream.

My answer never changed and I held on to what I shouted at our Kindergarten graduation, that I wanted to become a nurse!!. They laughed and were entertained by what I did. Growing up, I always wanted to wear a full uniform of a nurse and go abroad. I was promised to study abroad too.

After High School graduation, I was at my peak of dreaming and super excited about my college journey. But sad to say that promise of studying abroad never happened and it became my first heartbreak. I looked for alternatives and have already taken entrance exams to different Schools and Universities in our City, in the Bicol region, and even in NCR, Philippines. But poverty and my strict parent never wanted me to live separately even if I passed with Scholarships which can be a big help already. They never let me, and I cried my heart out. It took me a month to see things. I was so disappointed that that's the reality of life. Not everything we wanted can be grabbed so easily as one two three. Somehow I blamed the person who invented or used money and why everything involves money.

Our family can be categorized as the poorest of the poor so maybe rentals, food, fare and things like that were my mother's concerns. I remember I had to choose between going on a graded field trip, prom, or having a copy of the yearbook. I cried secretly because when crying, for them is showing weakness. I don't want to be pinched on the inner thigh as a punishment for crying.

I wanted it all, I wanted to try field trips and see different places, never leave the place without discovering things. I also wanted to go to a prom because my older sisters have been talking about how their nights turned out. They even said those famous lines that " if you don't go on a prom, you will miss half of your life". I also wanted to have a copy of our yearbook as my High School remembrance. We did group pictures as one section and I was always wondering how my picture turned out in that published yearbook. Honestly, I don't remember all of my classmates' names anymore, maybe if I had one I won't ever forget. In the end, I chose to go to a prom and it was a good experience.

Will I ever recommend students go to a prom? My answer would be yes, because why not? Only if School organizes proms at this time when everything is slowly going back to normal. It's your time to enjoy and dance along with your friends with great attires and magical backgrounds and music. If you don't have something to wear, try to be creative. DIY some clothes or borrow from a friend or relatives, etc.

So going back to the title, yes I am a frustrated nurse. I was hurt so much that I closed that possibility in my life already. Although from time to time someone will mistakenly greet me " Good morning ma'am, are you a nurse? You look great with white" or my family would indirectly tease me "go to your sister, she's a nurse, she will monitor you through the night" or " your brother is dropping lots of blood from his wounds, go help him", " you are supposed to know that, didn't you want to be a nurse?" I just let it slide even if it hurts me still.

If you're wondering what I took up, I entered a State College here in our province and took Engineering. I had no other choice. Somehow I accepted the fact that they are overly protective of me and that they needed me in the house and our small barbecue business. We are a big family with a small income and no relatives ever helped us with our expenses. At that time when I entered college, five of our siblings are students. I, being the most mature, acted like the mom of the house ever since when I was in elementary. Because mom has her other needs and obligations for us to have something to eat. I graduated from college and most of the time I will just walk going to school and walk my way home because we don't have money allotted for fares, I starved myself during the whole day just to learn and took exams. Whenever there were surprised expenses such as computerized reports and research, I am super thankful to my classmates who lent money to me every time. I am super thankful to them!

Poverty is something that drives me to press through what other people called a "terrifying Engineering journey". I will also write " misconceptions" about my "course" and the so-called"Engineer".

Poverty is still with us but somehow we are thriving, surviving, and growing as a person, hand in hand with my siblings.

The other one that I am most frustrated about is being a musician. I will just make this second shorter because I have talked so much in my first frustration.

I learned to read the chords over a song hits magazine years back and I wanted to try to play a straight song. I borrowed a guitar from my board mate last 2020 when lockdown hits metro Manila. I searched for tutorials how to play it, I can follow along with the fingers but strumming is the hardest! Haha I don't have long fingers and I easily get hurt by pressing the strings. I have super low pain tolerance, will that suffice? Or an excuse? Hahaha anyway, I didn't learned the chords with flats, I mean those with sharps and minors etc etc.

I just learned the basics, like it has been years but I can only play 5-6chords and use it with same strumming over and over with different parts of different songs. Not bad ! Hahahah How about you? Have you been frustrated over a dream? You can try writing about this too and just tag me. I want to know your story 😃.

In life, we can be planning our own path but it is up to Him who knows everything that will direct us to where we can be used of. Believe that hardships are a blessing in disguise for you to unleash the inner beast in you.

Thank you so much beautiful sponsors of mine@JonicaBradley and @OfficialGamboaLikeUs 💕.