Am I being Selfish?

Date: January 7,2021
Author: Sequoia

"You are so selfish!"

"Why can't you just support her happiness!"

"Aren't you being unfair?"

________________________

I abruptly wiped my tears away for you to not see it. Showing weakness at the very moment isn't my priority for now. I have to act strong and be strong for you.

Your tears of sorrow brought so much wrecking inside of me. I felt like I've been stabbed a thousand times.

Your sobs gave me so much weakness and disables me to think properly. You are my strength and my life. Seeing you breaking down apart made me lost my sanity.

You tried your best to hide the pain from me, but I know you so well. I know when you are in pain and when you aren't.

Convincing me that you were strong and can overcome any obstacles and uncertainties that comes in your way just made you even more vulnerable.

"Mom, I am just here. I won't leave you and will always stay beside you. Cry as long as you want. I love you so much."

Those were the words that I've uttered the moment we heard the devastating news about my step father's death.

I was with you during that downfall moments. I made sure to give you all the attention that you want and need at that season of your life.

Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. You were slowly gaining back your vabriant colorful view of life.

"My child, you and your sister are my strength and already enough for me. I love you both."

I was contented with the life that we had. However, I desired to strive more and have more to be able to give you the things that you wanted, and show you the marvelous things because you definitely deserve it.

Mom, I thought we were enough. You said that you will no longer engage yourself in any relationship since you are getting old already. That with us, you are already fine and well.

Mom, you broke your promise. Along with that, you broke my trust as well.

Seems like it's me against the world. I feel betrayed. Everyone hide it away from me. You've found a man.

I already asked you about this before and you said that you were just friends and even promised me that it won't go more than that. I trusted you. But you broke me.

________________________

I confronted everyone about it. Why they tolerated you about that thing. They pretty much know, how you get crazy over a man. You will do and sacrifice everything just for a man. That's how you love. And I hate it! You love unconditionally that you almost forget to spare some for yourself as well.

Selfish. Self-centered. Unfair. Those were the words that I've received from everybody.

Am I?

Is protecting your mom, an act of selfishness?

Is avoiding your mom to feel the same pain and agony again, means being self-centered?

Does working hard for your mother and strive to give her everything, shows unfairness?

Why do I feel like I am the wicked daughter, stopping her mother from achieving her happiness?

Does being happy again, required her to forget about me and just leave me alone?

Do I deserved to be treated this way?

________________________

'Let go, my soul, and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name.'

I deserved to be happy and enjoy my life to the limit. I've been carrying this for a very long time already. But now, I've decided to just let it go.

Letting go of the past and watch things slowly unfolds in front of me.

As long as she is happy, I am fine.

Maybe that is how love really works.

Supporting your loved ones happiness even if it crushes your heart.

Sacrificial love indeed.

________________________