My mother decided to go with my father as "Tanan". when "Tanan" was still a trend in the Philippines. For a long time, The woman will go with the man to leave and when they return they will get married or they will have to be together as a couple. even if a woman has se* with a man when the parents find out, they will get married right away. it seemed like a mortal sin to be with and lay aside sleeping with men then. Just like my mom and dad did.
When my mama's family found out they were all angry to my mama especially my grandmother, Not just slap, pinch, hair tweak but also unkind words made from my grandmother and her siblings. They asked why she had do that. the only answer of my mama back then was because she liked my father.
Mama and tatay have become a couple, at first my father promised everything for my mama and they were happy as a couple of years And they had three children. My father used to have a habit of cigarrete and drinking and it's okay with my mama because he can provide for the needs of mama and my siblings. because my grandfather used to have lands, his land was vast and that's where my grandfather grew up and that's what they used to do to plant rice. My father didn't go to school since he was a child , they didn't prioritize studying before because they had to walk a long way to school. they only had something to eat three times a day, it was okay with them.
My grandfather died, and my father's habit of drinking and smoking with his brother got worse. And they both also love cockfighting and gambling The reason for the gradual disappearance of my grandfather's lands that they were selling. That's why we're struggling.
My dad has become even more toxic, because of his drinking habit he leaves my mom at home alone and he stays at night whenever he wants. One day my mama will give birth to their four children but he is not our home he is enjoying at the fiesta in another village while drunk. My aunts only told me about that. btw, mama just gave birth at home, they know an albularyo and that's the one who gave birth to mama, We are all six siblings. three girls and three boys and I was the fifth. we were all born in help of albolaryo, thats my mama! Shes strong!
And as i was remeber at a young age im finding myself crying all the time at night because my mom and dad were fighting. I've been realized, my father always drinks and he is shouting outside of our house, he is always looking for an enemy even though he doesn't have an enemy. And every time that happens I'm always nervous. i think i'm used to him doing that because my two sisters are just quiet when he shouts outside.
I disturbed my sleep everynight at a young age when my mom and dad were fighting, my two eyes could see how he hurt my mom, I saw him tweaking my mom's hair and he was holding a sanduko to scare my mom, And mama also fights him, but the way he hurts mama is really different. he also always threatened my mom that he would throw her out the windoww, our house before have a pallet with a bamboo ladder.so our window is a bit high. When they quarrel with my mother, he always holds the sanduko and to scare her, sanduko is using grass mowing on the paddy embankment. That’s not all my mom experienced with him much more.
The reason why they always fight is that my father is always in debt. and mama is the one he confronts his debts. And he gets angry when mama complains about what he's doing. It's just like that over and over again at home, my daily routine, I guess that night I begged them. Because when my brothers begged them, he will fight also my brother because they are on mama's side. Their fight would only end when he was tired of shouting. And he sleeps well. But my mom always lacks sleep and cries before going to sleep. In the morning, mama would fight with him again and they would fight again. I was getting to the point then that when he was drunk when he came home I always prayed, over and over again that they would not fight with mama. Sometimes my prayer works but sometimes it doesn't, I still wake up that they are already fighting. My Mama teaches us to pray at night even though she is tired from work during the day - she never forgets to pray at night.
As long as when my father drinks, he and mom will definitely fight at night. My antes and uncles all know that my father hurts my mama but it seems like none of them. They couldn’t even tell my father not to hurt my mama and it hurts me as I write this now. I couldn't do anything then because I was still young and I could only cry without being able to stop their fight. We asked them why they didn't want to tell my father, why they were doing that to us because they didn't want to get involved in mama and tatay trouble because mama and my father said it was their own problem.
mama once thought of committing suicide using a filtilizer in the paddy field, she would drink that she should but it was good thing that my second brother saw her and stopped her.
Growing up that was the situation at our home I always saw mama crying. And it hurts me every time I see her cry. But I couldn’t do anything because I was also scared at the times they were fighting. As we grow older, they don't get hurt much anymore but they still fight through words. and we will never let him hurt my mama again.
The effect it has on our children they have is different. The eldest of our siblings did not stay at home and learned to drink at an early age, he almost did not want to study because of our father's habit and also because of a friend, and our school is far from our house. My second brother also stopped studying but he does not drink alcohol other than our eldest. because my father was always drunk and my two brothers were sometimes made to work on our farm.
Mama does everything for our children, from eating, to cleaning the house and working to make money and we need money for school, And we are his children whom he always rebukes. All my father did was drink, gamble and work in our paddy field.
- I remember then that I was in grade 3, and my mom was very happy with me Because I was 1st honor in our school. she did everything so, she could make money and she could buy me a new dress for my graduation. I remember she didn't ask to my father because they would just fight over it. She was working in the paddy field so she could buy my clothes. and until now it still our home and I will never give it away or throw it away because my mother worked so hard for it. Mama always tells the three of us to study hard because that's all she can give us and others will never get it. She always guided us to study well, Even the difficulty of our situation at home because our light was kengki with gas inside.
Source : kengki - That was the trend then and we used while studying.
My MOM! did everything for all of us!
One day my mom got sick, we find out she has breast cancer and it's stage 4. My mother hide it from us, until The lump has grown and could no longer bear the pain she was carrying. But we tried to give her medicine, Back and forth to the hospital and her chemo. but it was too late. Cancer Already spread inside to her body and heart 😢💔. We lost her, shes died 😢.
I always blame my father if he hadn't been vicious, if he hadn't been fighting with my mama, if he had just been a good father for us mama wouldn't have disappeared so early. she wouldn't have hidden her true feelings . And he is the husband of my mother and he didnt know that my mother Had lump on her chest.
When my mama died, i rarely went home. my siblings have their own families as well, me and the youngest one are the only ones who don't have. So I don't want to go home anymore because everyone is flashback in my mind everytime i stay in our house. but every time I see him when I go home I still feel sorry for him. I still give him money so he can buy what my brother and him need, he is still my father and I can't do anything about that, he gave me life in this world and I feel that's all I owe to him. because my mama pursued our schooling so that we could at least finish high school..
Closing thoughts
To my mom:
IM SO VERY PROUD TO YOU MA! that even though You having a hard time, that even though you coudnt handle the hardship, you still hasn't left us, you still fed us, you didn't even allow us to be a broken family,You accepted all the pain just for the sake of our family, you still did not abandon us. YOU ARE A PERFECT MOTHER I EVER HAD, NO ONE CAN REPLACE YOU IN MY MIND NAD IN MY HEART If only I could give back, I would have given back to you all your sacrifices for us, I would also do everything to make you HAPPY, to make you feel how much we value you as our mother, how much we love you and how lucky i am that i having a mother like you. If only I could return it mama. if you just come back! I still need you ma, until now I still need you in my life.!
To my father :
"I LOVE YOU AS A FATHER BUT, I DONT WANT A HUSBAND LIKE YOU."
Youre a selfish father, you never thought about our future as your children. If others see that I have a father but, I can't feel that I have a father because mama all hinted that, all I can see is a man who puts his vices ahead of his own family.
***
Ouch. It's so sad your mom suffered a lot. Maybe she is in heaven now. I hope she rests in peace. 🙏🙏🙏