If Life is so Short

I can still remember the day that one of my virtual friend asked me if how long do I want to live. Some might say until 80s or maybe 90s but me I answered it firmly and with confidence like this "I want to live until 49 or maybe until my 50s." It's not like I'm tired of living or what when I answer that. But I'm just sure that even if I haven't achieve anything on my age yet, I think I already experience a lot and for me that's already enough.

Maybe she's still curious that's why she asked me again with "I mean why?" I just said, you won't understand. Let's just leave it like that. And my decision is like that just until I learned about my illness which is a month ago. That's also the time that I first fall in love with someone. Enough to make me wish to go back in time where I answered the question of my friend if how long do I want to live and change it.

Maybe heaven is listening that time that's why when I reached 49 years old that's also the time that I discover my incurable illness. And also the time that I saw Him. How can a 49 year old woman just fell in love right. It's like I go back in my teenage days where I first had my first crush. I'm not a teenager anymore but when I saw him, I want to make a move just so he can notice me. But I think of my age and thought it's not right to act like a lovesick teenager even if that's what I really want to do.

But I don't want to embarrass myself and so, I stop it. My illness is really not sinking in yet to my head that's why when I get a chance to have a talk with him I still approach him. But I do it without a marked that I'm all over him. I did it discreetly. When I talk to him, I really felt like I'm a lovesick teenager looking at my one and only love. I am just thankful that he is not a snob. I think our age doesn't have big difference.

I didn't even think that time that what if he had a wife or a kid. But still, I look at his finger to see any ring there, good gracious I want to jump in joy coz I didn't see anything. Even a marked that will indicates that it has ring for a long time. I didn't see it. And so I learn that he will be my doctor and that's also where I learn of how serious my illness are. I suddenly feel down. No, I questioned God when I learn about it and I can't accept it.

Now that I already found a reason to live happily. Now that I finally see the one that will complete me. That empty feeling that I have before. It's finally gone and what's left is a hope that I can finally have my own happiness. But really the joy I felt is really for just a short time only. I only have a month to live and I can't do anything about it. I can prolong my life just for a couple of month but I don't want that if I will be in pain and my appearance will be at stake.

I found my love but I don't want him to see me in this state. I can very much see the pity in his eyes for me while saying all of these things to me about my illness. I can feel that he's really sorry for what I found out or for this illness. I want to get angry but what for, what's the use. All I can do now is just accept my fate and leave all the rest to him. I just found you but why I have to leave too soon. For the first time but also the last.....

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To be honest, I want to live until 50 year old only. I'm already okay with what I achieve even today so for sure when I reach that age I will be more fulfilled. I don't really have the plan to get married or even have a child as I don't think I am capable to be mother and wife. All I want to do is live with my parents until my last breath. I want to die first before them coz I think seeing them one by one leaving me for good will be too hard for me. But what if no? What this story happen to me? What if? OMG! I just can't imagine really. I just hope this scenario will never happen to me..

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April 22, 2022

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