"You're not recommended to graduate."

Hearing those words brings my entire world to a halt, it literally stops for a while. I clearly hear and comprehend the words, the sentence, but it feels as if I didn't hear anything, that I didn't speak to anyone else at the time, and that I was alone and just imagining things out. Nothing has sunk in to my system, and I am unable to absorb my thoughts. I'm numb and unsure of what to feel. I'm merely nodding while our Dean continues to speak, but the truth is that I'm still stuck on the first sentence he said, "We are done with the deliberation, and bluntly the result is, you're not recommended for graduation." Perhaps I am still unable to accept it, or perhaps I have already accepted it long time ago and am only waiting for those words to be uttered plainly and personally to me.

Allow me to begin my story by introducing myself so that you will have a better grasp of anything I'm about to share.

To begin, I am a supposedly graduating student with a course of Bachelor of Science in Accountancy. Yes, I'm currently a fourth-year student and I'm eagerly anticipating the results or the final announcement of the List of Graduates. And after a month of resting and overthinking, we finally received the result, our fate, on April 27, 2022.

My dream of becoming a CPA started way back in my Junior High school.

During my 10th grade, my father used to work far away and couldn't come home every day, so he could only send us money. He frequently sends it to Palawan Pawnshop, and my mother used to work at that time, I, as the eldest, am the one who should receive the money. And, while the most appropriate time for me to get the money is during our lunch break, it is beyond inconvenient for me because we all know how hot it is around that time, and I still have to travel from school to the pawnshop. But I don't have a choice because the situation is dire. I can't get it in the afternoon either because they were already closed by the time I'll go home due to school responsibilities.

While in queue, I was observing the tellers as I was outside in the scorching sun, sweating profusely. I began to fantasize about having a job like theirs just sitting comfortably in an air-conditioned environment. Of course, their course may be related to finance or accounting. And so, from that moment on I decided to pursue BS in Accountancy and become a CPA someday. My dream gets clearer and more definite every time I get money at Palawan Pawnshop.

Fast forward...

Graduating with high honors and flying colors from senior high school gave me the strength and confidence to pursue Bachelor of Science in Accountancy. Our first major subject, basic accounting, is fine. I mean, it wasn't that difficult at the time, and I'll admit that I knew I was good with debits and credits and preparing worksheets as well. Everything went smoothly, and during our freshman year, I received my first NC III in bookkeeping. In my sophomore year, I was one of only three students who become a Dean's Lister in our course.

And then COVID happened.

But then came Covid, and because of the increased number of Covid cases, our country needed to implement lockdown/ quarantines. Which is why online classes were introduced in the next school year, when I was in my third year of college.

Everything changed when the new mode of learning was introduced as a means of adapting to the situation. My dream had become hazy, and I had lost my will to study diligently. I thought I was simply adjusting to the situation at first, but as time passes by, my adjustment process has evolved into my new attitude towards my studies. It has had a significant detrimental impact on my study habits, my concentration, and, most importantly, my dream. In this new mode of learning, establishing a proper learning environment and attitude became extremely difficult. The most challenging part is learning on our own. But, by God's grace, I was able to finish third year as a regular student, earning cut-off grades in all of my subjects. Because in BS Accountancy, there is a retention program with a minimum grade that a student must achieve in order to continue in the course.

Finally, I am a Fourth Year College student.

Then came senior year, when I was thrown into a dilemma, a difficult circumstance. I need to decide whether or not to continue as a BS Accountancy student because all of my friends and classmates have already decided to shift courses because they did not meet the cutoff grades in all of the prerequisite subjects. So I was hesitant, reluctant and unsure, because I had grown so reliant on my friends, and as a shy person, I thought it would be a tremendous risk to be classmates with strangers, thinking we were already seniors. I didn't know anyone because we were transferred from a branch campus to the main campus as we were in our higher year already, therefore I didn't know anyone among my potential classmates.

The first semester was nerve-wracking, I was terrified of not receiving cut-off grades in all of our subjects because of one of our instructors. But, by God's grace, I made it until the second semester, when just five of us were left in the program. I am proud of myself for making it this far and at the same time under pressure. When we realized what we had to go through to graduate, I felt even more pressures and stressed.

That is impossible, I told myself. Because passing the mock board/pre board exam is our only way to graduate. Throughout the semester, we had a thorough and exhausting review. But I know that it wasn't really enough to pass the pre-board, which has a higher passing rate. So I persuaded myself that I didn't have to know everything, all I needed to do was my best. Then our final mock board is over, and I know it's truly impossible, it'll only be achievable by miracle.

We are now in the phase of waiting for the outcome. During the waiting days, while our bodies are resting, our minds are still overthinking and doubting. Even though I know I won't be able to make it, but I'm still hoping for a miracle and praying earnestly for a positive outcome. I still feel I'll be recommended for graduation, as will the rest of us.

But things really have to turned out exactly as they should. We were finally called to hear the results on April 27, 2022. That's when reality hits me so hard, that it's somehow unbearable. I didn't make it, and neither did the other two of my classmates.

You're not recommended for graduation was the saddest news I had ever heard, the most agonizing words ever spoken to me. I'm just a fool to think that because I've already put in a lot of effort, all of my hardships and sacrifices were enough to achieve a good result.

Now I'm working on accepting and healing. I'm done crying because I've already dried up all of my tears from the night of the announcement. As I have already told my friends and family, my heart is a little lighter now. I've gone over everything and am now considering the next step.

Overall, life still goes on. It isn't the end of the world or of my dream just yet. Everything will fall into place according to God's plan someday, somewhere.
This will undoubtedly serve as motivation and inspiration for me to continue working harder. After all, there are no great achievements or accomplishments without failures and setbacks. I'm going to use this failure and delay as my ultimate weapon in the pursuit of my goals.

For everything, I'm still grateful to God. He hasn't finished with me yet, I'm sure. With the challenge that He has given me, my faith in Him has grown even stronger.

Until then, THANK YOU for taking the time to read my first ever article.

P.S. You could think I might have chosen a more suitable and catchy title, but I prefer this one. Because all I've conveyed is the emotional pain I'm experiencing with the current result. Soon, I'll share the same story with a happier ending. Then and only then will I give it a terrific and fitting title.