The foxes that destroy relationships and marriages pt 1

Staying in a relationship and marriage is a decision that you make for some reasons. Love is a choice we make, we need to know that no one is perfect, so in a relationship you "choose to love irrespective of faults and also choose to stay if you feel or believe you can tolerate the faults". Sometimes people ask me what are the reasons or things that break relationships/marriages. Truth is a bitter pill to swallow, but it has to be said not to criticize the negative aspects only but to open our consciousness to actions and attitudes that expose us to not only heartbreak, but destroying the things we love and those we love.

There are so many reasons relationships fall apart, quite a number of people, even myself at a time, attributed breaks in relationships and marriages to Money,Pride,Lying and Cheating, of course this is true but in my experience, I had an opportunity to share,listen and learn with close study of some "irrelevant" reasons that led to separation, divorce,lack of romance and loss of interest in relationships and marriages. The word irrelevance is relative because, what may seem relevant to one person may be irrelevant to another.

Basically what I am trying to bring out in the open here is "small things count. Quite a number of bad behaviors or attitude which we over look, lead to a steady or sometimes fast decline in a relationship. Romance isn't a bed of roses or set of pearl earrings you get on your anniversary only, it takes HARD WORK and conscious efforts to make things work.

This article will help you point out some of the many things and habits that will destroy your relationship and marriage. More importantly, i'll provide you with some realistic tips and long-term solutions on how to avoid and finally overcome them.

• The "Monitoring Spirit or FBI" attitude

Trust is a major requirement in any relationship, when two people want to make it work, trust is key, commitment is key, loyalty is key. Do you have confidence in your partner? Are you afraid to even leave their side for one minute? Any time their phone rings you jump and you are anxious to see the caller I.d. Some people come in with call records, saying that it can't be innocent when a partner calls a "friend" seven times in a week. Some people fear that a significant other is cheating on them and comb through their partner's email, looking for something that they can use as evidence of infidelity. This behavior can ramp up in the aftermath of an indiscretion, whether an outright affair or a discovered flirtation. People think that even if they forgive their partner for cheating, they reserve the right to look through their partner's phone forever after. This checking behavior can persist for weeks,months, even years after the partner's unfaithfulness and has nothing to do with anything that the partner is currently doing.

As you can imagine, most people do not take too kindly to having their partner pore through their phone,reading all of their texts and emails and try to find proof of their misbehavior. Infact, some relationships end when a person find out that a partner was looking through their phone, precisely because they feel so violated. Phones nowadays are the repository for all of a persons private thoughts and feelings as expressed in texts to friends and family and knowing that a partner has been keeping you under constant, secret surveillance can be destabilizing and upsetting.

Solution: have confidence in your partner and respect their privacy. Don't Snoop through texts,emails or bedroom drawers. No good comes out of this and innocent detail can be misinterpreted.

• Comparing your spouse attitude to your ex

For those that can't seem to get over their ex. Remember the reasons they became your ex,let them stay as ex. Stop saying how clean your ex is, or how organized your ex is, or how intelligent your ex was. If they were that good,you would have been with your ex and not your present partner. Stop comparing your husband,wife, partner to your ex, it will lead to conflict,insecurity,hurt and eventually ruin your relationship or marriage if you are not careful.

Constant criticizing your partner is a quick way to kill any loving feelings. Replace blame and criticism with love and understanding. Everyone has their breaking point when it comes to criticism, so it shouldn't surprise you if your spouse responds by leaving. "Being harsh or judgemental can cause a marriage to fail. Criticism takes a toll and your partner can start to feel like he or she is never enough". Wishful thinking and unnecessary comparison can ruin a marriage or relationship, especially when we tend to compare our marriage situation with others.

For instance, you begin to compare and say "I wish my wife is prettier". "I wish my wife is not a nagger"."I wish my wife is a good cook" . These wishful thinking and comparisons are so unfortunate to hear. Little by little, such habit could poison the relationship. Then you begin to compare your spouse with your officemate or neighbor unconsciously. The only remedy to this problem is acceptance and learn to appreciate her. Stop doing stupid things like comparing your spouse with others. Remember that a "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other. Remember that your spouse is a precious gift that God has given you and always be thankful for her. It's not an easy journey, but it's a profitable one and I urge you to remain humble, patient and loving partner.

Solution: move on first of all, then set ext that make sense. Your past is your past. Please walk away as comparison will only destroy things and make your partner hate you. They may also never get over the comparison so please stop.

To be continued...