Reality: I am only Human

My name is Lilian and I am the mother of a drug addict.

My son Michael may be going through his teenage years, but I never expected him to turn towards drugs to solve his problems.

I know I may not be there for my children, but I have always respected and felt proud of how responsible he has been since his fathers death.

In my absence, he became more of a parent to his siblings than I.

Being successful has always been my number one priority, but when I got married everything change because I finally found someone I loved and he loved me back.

I remember when I got pregnant with my first child, Michael, I wish God had told me how his life would have gone.

I wish he had told me he would be born with a severe breathing issue.

I wish he had told me that my son would grow up without a father.

I wish he had told me that my son would become a drug addict, maybe if he had told me, I would have been a better mother to him.

I remember when we lost all hope due to his breathing problems, I didn’t know how to save my child, and I had given up on him.

I felt so ashamed of myself because I couldn’t do anything for my child, and even went as far as giving up on him.

The truth is “I am only human” and I am bound to feel that way.

I would never have imagined that I would lose my husband, or that my children would lose their father.

I couldn’t console my children because I couldn’t even console myself.

I wasn’t there for them when they needed me the most, and all I could do was think of myself, but “ I am only human” and I also felt depressed at that moment.

I had to go back to work so I could provide for my children, but the truth is I didn’t know if I could be a good mother to them.

I worked from morning till night, Monday till Sunday’s, January till December, so I could take my mind of my problems and responsibilities.

Working was the only escape I had from my reality, and even if it meant missing my kids birthday, I am sure they would understand that I have to work for them.

But in reality, I am only being selfish.

I remember when Michael entered high school, I noticed his behavior change, and he always came back with torn clothes.

Even when I knows something was wrong with him, I didn’t say anything because I thought he would handle it like he always did.

I thought he didn’t need me and could take care of himself, but I was wrong.

I am sure Michael needed me at that moment, but I couldn’t save him due to my fear and selfishness.

I wish I could turn back time and help him when he needed me.

I wish I could turn back time and be a good mother to my children.

But I remember that no matter how many wishes I make, this is my reality and it isn’t going anywhere.

The day I confronted Micheal over his drug abuse made me realize how much I have failed my family.

I wasn’t there to nurture and care for them.

I wasn’t there to celebrate their birthdays.

All I did was blame the fact that I was a human and I couldn’t do everything.

I am a failure as a mother, and just as Micheal said, I wish I had died instead of his father.

Sometimes I imagine how my children’s lives would have been if I had died instead, and every time I imagine I always see smiles.

I can blame my humanity for all my problems, but after everything, I am still the one that made those choices.

I am sure if I had spent more time with them instead of work, maybe Michael wouldn’t have turned to drugs.

I know it may be too late to change the past, but I want to try my best to change the future.

I want to start taking responsibility for my children, and no matter how hard it is, I would never give up.

The reason why humans are strong is because we have the power to change, and that is what I am going to do.

I love my children, and I hope I can win their love back.

I hope God gives me the strength to do so. Thank you.