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I have been to different circles of friendship where I invest too much emotion, time and effort only to find out that those people don't have the same energy as mine. They don't have the same feeling as mine towards our friendship. That broke me into pieces, I was like a girl who was dumped by a boyfriend. The sad thing is that they never know what you are going through. They just go about their life, picking you up in rare times but not really minding how you are doing.
Maybe this is just me being clingy and easily attached but I really feel different. It feels like I have been to friendship break-ups. Others may find this OA but it is what it is. I have had enough and I don't want to be a sad girl craving for company, crying whenever someone would go away.
I talked myself out of that situation already. Slowly, convincing myself that, that is how life works. People leave and even the closest friend you had may not feel the same way to you when time and circumstances pass by. I made a mental note to guard my heart, not get easily attached and stay in my space.
My main problem is that I treat friends as people who would be with me forever. I am wrong in the idea that they should never leave me and that they should not make new friends with others. I would get jealous when my friends are happy in another company. I would be sad if my friends would appear appreciative to another new friend and never at me.
I am toxic and I know it. I wanted to let go of them and not hold grudges against them. I planned too that when I meet a new possible friend, I would not be easily attached to her so I won't be that lonely when this friend walk out of the door too.
This past few months was really difficult for me. Checking my one F which is friends. I don't know if we are still friends. Some of my friends would never treat me as a friend because I barely have time with them. Some of them too would only remember me if they want me to do a favor for them. I have highschool friends which I thought I couldn't live without but now I learned that we live by different principles and ideals. This has made a huge gap and boundaries for us that questions the friendship's worth.
Maybe some friendships are better off cut somewhere. Some friendships don't deserve to be nurtured and there are some friendships that we can really rely on and run to when we want and need to.
As I grow old, I lose friends. There are people who knows me and people that I know. There are people that I share experiences or space with and there are also people whom I came to know at work. But there are really few whok we can call as friends.
How about you? How many friends do you have? Can you count them by your fingers?
Many thanks for reading!
I do have some circle of friends from high school, college and the companies that I have worked with. We may not see or talk each other often but we are all still friends. Distance and time should never be the reason to break your friendship. If it does, then they are not really your true friends and rather just an acquaintance. Friends does not need to talk to each other everyday. But there are some friends who likes to do so. It depends really on how you guys are. Me and my high school friends rarely talks to each other especially months after the pandemic started. We just know that all of us are busy with our own daily lives but we know by heart that our bond is stronger. I hope you can find your true friend/s whom you can always rely to any time. 😉